#questioning programming

Disclaimer 2: if any of this is unclear, I apologize. I'm having to fight through a bunch of dizzy to write about this and I'm fueled by spite and spite alone.

With that out of the way let me get into the meat of the this.

We are bodily 22, and have known we're a system for six years now, give or take. This is a rough estimate. I am Jack, the current host, hi. Roughly last year I learned about programming in systems, and all that came with it. I got briefly fixated on the topic, as I generally tend to gravitate towards morbid or dark subjects. This does not mean I condone or romanticize them, I'm sure we've all been there.

Regardless, it was last year I started to notice in-sys happenings that point to something being up. I took a step back from looking into the subject as I suspected the fixation may be what was causing it, but after roughly a year of noticing things still going on, and old reactions returning upon looking into the subject, I suspect maybe something is up.

I'm progressvly getting more and more pain in my head and neck as I type this and I'm straight up forgetting words. , so I'll keep my points simple.

I'll start with points on why we "probably aren't" programmed.

We have never been a part of any cult or TR, nor has the bodies family had history of those.

Our body does not show symptoms of long term physical abuse (scars, permanent pains, ect.)

We live a normal life currently. (Not saying survivors can't have normal lives or that everything in our lives is pleasant. But we live relatively safely in our childhood home, ect.)

I cannot find a way to fit long term abuse into our timeline. Some trauma, yes. Anything OEA or RAMCOA levels? Not currently.

Those out of the way, I'll now note what I've noticed over time.

General interest in programming with a felt sense of familiarity

On a couple times, I've been able to guess and help with things going on in friends programming (I am not claiming to be able to help or know everything. I am not someone to come to for advice. This is just to point out how on a few times I've shown understanding on the subject I probably wouldn't usually have.)

in my case particularly, I overall tend to be more submissive in actions but not personality. My main concern is usually geared towards helping others and not myself, to the point of experiencing emotional shutdown when others around me are distressed so I can better help them. I also desperately seek praise and affection

I also struggle to do self care things without permission, including the bare minimum of eating and sleeping.

To further this, after learning about programming, I off and on deeply desire a handler

I also find myself wanting to BE a handler, like it's what I should be doing when not helping others. (Note: I would never, I'm simply talking about thoughts and feelings that are not actions.)

Our system occasionally spawns in "blanks," as I've taken to calling them. Blanks are not fragments, but are more like empty vessels that hypothetically could be programmed, which I occasionally feel the urge to do but don't, as I don't know what effect it would have on us. They sort of just despawn after a bit.

Dizziness: it varies. If I read about this sort of thing in terms of what it means for us, I get dizzy. I actually got a migraine halfway through drafting it. If I think about it in relation to OTHERS, however, the Dizziness isn't caused.

This can be accompanied by the feeling of burning skin on the arms and head.

I struggle with thinking I'm constantly "bad," if I'm not actively doing something for others.

We have an alter that only shows up to cause dissociation when whoever is fronting is in distress, though this is rare and we have yet to figure out what kind of distress brings them out.

Headspace itself is very hard to explore, every time I try and go past a certain point I never remember what I see or find and always find myself back in the main hub.

Our system shows signs of being what I can only guess is the "main," one, the ones who upkeep the front, as we really only consist of those who would hypothetically be needed to keep up the day to day.

There is more, but I'll leave it here as those are the main ones I can pull up in my mind rn. Feel free to comment what this could be, or if you've experienced similar. Please refer to the disclaimer points before you make your comments. This took a couple hours to get out due to the migraine that onset but I cannot be stopped.

Thank you, have a lovely day/night/morning/afternoon/purgatory time/ect.