"You don't smell good" Thanks our programming that causes severe depression and rapid splitting/switching got triggered and we can hardly do anything but I'm glad you noticed how we smell ! (asshole) -Husker
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This blog aims to create and cultivate a community for those with more complex systems.
This includes:
Complex DID / polyfragmented systems [[ NON EXCLUSIVE TERMS ]]
Extremely Complex DID / Highly Complex DID / programmed systems [[ EXCLUSIVE TO OEA ]]
This blog is anti endogenic, pro endos are not welcome here either. This is a blog about CDDs, ntg experiences are not relevant here. Polyminds & supporters are also not welcome. Please research how the brain actually works.
RAMCOA / OEA deniers DNI.
You may send in vents, questions, culture is posts, or really anything related to the cdid /hc+ec experience.
Op is 17, MDNI blogs keep this in mind. Call me Enigma. Op is a complex, polyfrag, programmed system (our preferred terms).
Questioning and exploring potential possibilities: Partial/incomplete programming aka "frameworking"
READ WHOLE POST BEFORE RESPONDING SHOULD YOU CHOOSE TO.
The purpose of this post is to note down what I've noticed before my brain eats it all again and see if anyone else has similar experiences, or if what I'm experiencing in sys is something else. Also because I find it interesting as I've always been fascinated by how our system functions and all that.
Disclaimers:
1: I am not directly/for sure claiming to be a programming or TBMC/ OEA / RAMCOA survivor. These are observations I've made within our system that has some similarities to accounts we've heard as well as stranfe happenings within our own system. I fully understand this may not be what's happening.
2: the term partial is used because if the hypothetical is true, nothing ever came of the potential programming, or it was never fully utilized, hence "frameworking,"
3: keep syscourse off this post and our blog. Despite the overall stance of this particular subgroup of the plural community, we are pro endo and consider ourselves mixed origins for multiple reasons. Any hate regarding this will be blocked at best or reported at worst. This post and our blog is not the place for that. Move on if you don't have anything nice to say.
4: in that vain, fake claimers can also swallow a full cactus. Any aggression will be ignored, blocked, or reported.
TW below cut for discussion of the above mentioned topics.
Disclaimer 2: if any of this is unclear, I apologize. I'm having to fight through a bunch of dizzy to write about this and I'm fueled by spite and spite alone.
With that out of the way let me get into the meat of the this.
We are bodily 22, and have known we're a system for six years now, give or take. This is a rough estimate. I am Jack, the current host, hi. Roughly last year I learned about programming in systems, and all that came with it. I got briefly fixated on the topic, as I generally tend to gravitate towards morbid or dark subjects. This does not mean I condone or romanticize them, I'm sure we've all been there.
Regardless, it was last year I started to notice in-sys happenings that point to something being up. I took a step back from looking into the subject as I suspected the fixation may be what was causing it, but after roughly a year of noticing things still going on, and old reactions returning upon looking into the subject, I suspect maybe something is up.
I'm progressvly getting more and more pain in my head and neck as I type this and I'm straight up forgetting words. , so I'll keep my points simple.
I'll start with points on why we "probably aren't" programmed.
We have never been a part of any cult or TR, nor has the bodies family had history of those.
Our body does not show symptoms of long term physical abuse (scars, permanent pains, ect.)
We live a normal life currently. (Not saying survivors can't have normal lives or that everything in our lives is pleasant. But we live relatively safely in our childhood home, ect.)
I cannot find a way to fit long term abuse into our timeline. Some trauma, yes. Anything OEA or RAMCOA levels? Not currently.
Those out of the way, I'll now note what I've noticed over time.
General interest in programming with a felt sense of familiarity
On a couple times, I've been able to guess and help with things going on in friends programming (I am not claiming to be able to help or know everything. I am not someone to come to for advice. This is just to point out how on a few times I've shown understanding on the subject I probably wouldn't usually have.)
in my case particularly, I overall tend to be more submissive in actions but not personality. My main concern is usually geared towards helping others and not myself, to the point of experiencing emotional shutdown when others around me are distressed so I can better help them. I also desperately seek praise and affection
I also struggle to do self care things without permission, including the bare minimum of eating and sleeping.
To further this, after learning about programming, I off and on deeply desire a handler
I also find myself wanting to BE a handler, like it's what I should be doing when not helping others. (Note: I would never, I'm simply talking about thoughts and feelings that are not actions.)
Our system occasionally spawns in "blanks," as I've taken to calling them. Blanks are not fragments, but are more like empty vessels that hypothetically could be programmed, which I occasionally feel the urge to do but don't, as I don't know what effect it would have on us. They sort of just despawn after a bit.
Dizziness: it varies. If I read about this sort of thing in terms of what it means for us, I get dizzy. I actually got a migraine halfway through drafting it. If I think about it in relation to OTHERS, however, the Dizziness isn't caused.
This can be accompanied by the feeling of burning skin on the arms and head.
I struggle with thinking I'm constantly "bad," if I'm not actively doing something for others.
We have an alter that only shows up to cause dissociation when whoever is fronting is in distress, though this is rare and we have yet to figure out what kind of distress brings them out.
Headspace itself is very hard to explore, every time I try and go past a certain point I never remember what I see or find and always find myself back in the main hub.
Our system shows signs of being what I can only guess is the "main," one, the ones who upkeep the front, as we really only consist of those who would hypothetically be needed to keep up the day to day.
There is more, but I'll leave it here as those are the main ones I can pull up in my mind rn. Feel free to comment what this could be, or if you've experienced similar. Please refer to the disclaimer points before you make your comments. This took a couple hours to get out due to the migraine that onset but I cannot be stopped.
Thank you, have a lovely day/night/morning/afternoon/purgatory time/ect.
Putting this before the content warning because it is necessary: PLEASE be careful who you give resources to. PLEASE.
Cw: RAMCOA, drugging, forced splitting, abuse, programming/conditioning. Fuck idefk what else. Just fucking. Wow.
Finding out your abusive ex used the resources you gave her because she said she “wanted to help.” To create her own side system in your system to serve her is… wow. Like… it suddenly makes sense why the last three years have been a major blur, particularly whenever she would come down here and keep me with her 24/7 for… a month+ at a time, unable to leave. She built off of the programming we had already experienced and exploited it further to create… that. It’s genuinely fucking terrifying. I’m glad we’re finally rid of her, though.
I’m reeling just… discovering those alters and dealing with the flashbacks and like… idk death feelings. Be careful who you give resources to, I guess…
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Pulling out the subjective reality card again. No one truly has the same experience as anyone else. The world as we agree we know it is based on our shared perceptions. Everyone reading this has at least some connection a common reality (sometimes called meatspace, outerworld, Earthworld, etc.), but that’s not the only level of reality.
Systems with an internal landscape (innerworld, otherworld, wonderland) might share a perceived reality among their members, and the events and people there are still important, if only to them and their support people. Singlets can also have internal landscapes, same deal.
Psychosis is another kind of reality. People in a shared reality can also share delusions. This can happen when one person pulls someone else into a delusional belief, when systemmates have concurrent symptoms, or when a group comes into contact with the same stimuli.
Memories can be formed in any experienced reality. As such, those memories are real. There is value in differentiating between realities, but memories formed in a different reality still hold weight. Memories of every reality can be foundational or traumatic.
We choose to believe our memories regardless of which reality they originate in. Finding evidence of each memory in this reality is already difficult, and most will never be proven. We’ve made some hefty changes to our life and relationships anyway.
Even if we find out some memories weren’t from this reality, we would work through them just the same. We’ll dust ourselves off and change course. Living with multiple realities is still life, and life goes on.
Also the fact that any second I do try to open up or vent or talk or write about what I've been through, what I can remember, whatever. It just...It feels unreal. What clarity I had a few moments ago is pure fog. I feel dazed and lost and confused. I don't feel like me. I don't remember much. Forming thoughts becomes difficult. I forget so much and find myself unable to do anything. I hate how fucking effective it is. Cause I just wanna fucking get it out of my head. But I can't. Cause the second I do it, I can't focus or think or even remember what I thought so perfectly a few seconds prior. And I hate that so much.
