#pride queer

Coming Out

This is a post that I thought I’d never have the guts to announce to the public. I always thought that I was going to be ridiculed and, in a way, persecuted for what I believed. Coming from a Catholic school especially, I never thought I’d fit in. But I had been so wrapped up in suppressing my own feelings to not realize that others around me, even close friends, were supporting and even carrying my same burden. Many believe that homosexuality is a sin and that it is an abominable act, but I began seeing that this was not meant to be my personal belief about two years ago.

My parents are very homophobic in the case of “love the sinner, hate the sin.” My mom gags whenever she sees two of the same gender kiss or show any sign of affection on TV (hence I am not able to finish watching Teen Wolf, a show that I love, that showcases homosexuality in a usually positive light, until I move out). A point I want to raise to the public is that my mom, and many other parents worldwide, would allow their children to watch a heterosexual couple kiss and even do more things that I will leave to your imagination. But one modest kiss on the lips between a LGBTQ+ couple? It turns the parents off.

But I think that punishing someone because of who they are naturally attracted to should be considered a sin. When we put restraints on how far love can go, what else will we restrain? How far peace is allowed to go? How far generosity is allowed to go?

I was raised to believe the homophobic lies against an innocent group of people. As I was still unsure about how I felt about it, I experienced attractions to other girls. I thought that it was normal to find girls attractive in that way. Sometimes I would be gripped by fear of judgement of the catholic community, other times I thought I was just overreacting to a simply pretty girl, sometimes even fascinated that I found women attractive like “gays” did, using the term as a derogatory one, which I now find pernicious on my part. I am ashamed of what I believed the community to be. In the end, all the “hate” I reeked with was just a scared foggy mist I used to cover up my true colors.

Until I did my own research. Then I began growing to understand that it was okay to be attracted to who I was attracted to. I learned that it is okay to be who I am. After being ignorant to an entire community of strong, beautiful people, I am ready to say that I am joining their community.

I am a 17-year-old girl with the pronouns she/her. I am out-there-artist on tumblr (previously scorpiusmalfoysgirl due to an awkward phase I went through), and I love music, art, acting, writing, poetry. I embrace my Hogwarts house, Slytherin. I hate math and science, which is something about me that will never change. I am catholic, and I love colors. I suffer from common mental illnesses including anxiety, depression, as well as ADD, which affects my everyday performance in school. I love fandoms including Star Wars, The Hunger Games, Percy Jackson, Harry Potter, Legend, Maze Runner, Marvel’s Avengers, and many MANY more. I’m still alive because of musicians like Halsey, Billie Eilish, NF, Conan Gray, AU/RA, Sia, Ruelle, Arshad, and countless more. These facts about me are true, as is my identity. I am currently identifying as lesbian and queer.

I really want to thank some people out there. 99% will never, ever see this post, but I want to say thanks to the friend that I sent a photo of my secret painting of an LGBTQ+ girl to at 11:00 at night, begging her not to tell anyone, which she agreed. I honestly think that she knew what my sexuality was before I did. It was also this friend who introduced me to an artist called Wrabel, who wrote an empowering song called “The Village” which describes a trans boy’s struggle living in a girl’s body. Even though I am not transgender, this song’s overall message to the LGBTQ+ community hit me incredibly hard, and helped me hang in there when no one seemed to understand.

I also wanna thank one of my friends that I’ve known since I was little. She told me about her sexuality, and it made me feel a little more accepted. I just recently told her about my own identity, and she expressed her total support, which means the world to me. She told me to take my time coming out, and she gave me advice on how to continue living a happy life after settling on my identity. So this is to you, my friend. I know we’ve had a bumpy friendship sometimes, but I’m so glad I have you as a friend. Much love.

I wanna thank tumblr. I know it’s cheesy, but the handfuls of supportive LGBTQ+ community members on here really allowed me to learn about sexuality and taught me I was not a misfit over the past year.

I want to thank a role model of mine named Ashley Nicolette Frangipane. She is a musician that is more commonly known by her stage name Halsey. When I stumbled upon her Badlands album in 2015, I realized that I found someone who struggled with my same issues. Her music spoke to me in a way I never imagined it could. When she released Hopeless Fountain Kingdom, she also released some incredible gay bops such as Strangers, Clementine, and Bad at Love. She became even more important to me when I discovered that she was bisexual. And she has become such an inspiration to me, and she helps me hold on. Her songs have actually saved my life more times that I would like to admit. If I ever get the opportunity to meet anyone famous, it would be Halsey because she saved my life, and she reminded me that I can be myself, and that I matter.

I want to thank a friend of mine that I met a year ago at a conference. He came out to me as gay, and wrote up a document about how he doesn’t let other people define who he is, and he can embrace his sexuality ad be happy as a gay guy. I texted him and told him of my situation, and he showed his support for me, which meant a lot.

I want to thank my grandma for being such a believer in me. She never knew I was lesbian, but I was the last grandchild to talk to her in person before her sudden passing in March that broke my heart. She always encouraged me to take my own path in life. She told me that she supported me no matter what I did, decided on, or believed. To a closeted lesbian, this phrase comforted me extensively. Grandma, I love you so much and I miss you so much. I don’t know how I’m going to keep on going without you, but you made my childhood special. You taught me to believe in who I was, and you told me to come over to your house any time I wanted or felt like it. You even offered to let me move in a couple times! All of this made me so grateful, and I couldn't have asked for a better grandma. Words can’t describe how much I love you and how much I miss you.

I wanna thank everyone involved in any type of art form. From music to writing to dancing to acting to designing, to EVERY SINGLE PERSON OUT THERE EXPRESSING THEMSELVES ARTISTICALLY, Thank you for your support and your talents that express a very vulnerable part of who you are as an individual. You are one of the reasons that I feel comfortable expressing my sexuality artistically.

Lastly, thank you everyone that I know and meet who support me, and please continue to have hope for homophobic peoples around the world, that they may learn that love has no boundaries, and that we are human too.