#presyncope

then theres the coming out of it. it doesnt last very long at all (at least for me), so its over before you can even register what happened. youre on the floor, head throbbing with fading pressure as your vision slowly clears and darkness recedes past the edges of your vision. your heart is going a million miles per hour. youre physically unharmed, but getting up still feels much harder than it should. if others are present, their concerned gazes make it feel that much more shameful. if youre alone, youre left feeling pathetic and tired, dreading the effort of dragging yourself to your feet.

even mild presyncope is a fun situation to put your whumpee in. whether thats partial loss of vision and a racing heart whenever they stand, or a prolonged period of increased heartrate and mild dizziness that has your whumpee sweaty and lightheaded as they try to ignore it and focus on tasks.

for example: presyncope when standing up with pots. this is specifically AN experience, my experience and doesn’t describe everyone’s presyncope

I’m sit up to get out of bed. I feel lightheaded, it feels like everything in my head gets pushed up against the top of my skull creating pressure. Then I stand up. Sometimes I stand up very slowly but usually I stand straight up cuz I’m inpatient. Best case scenario I feel like I’m spinning like top for a few seconds and my legs feel a little heavy but then I can keep walking. But if I do have a bad episode:

My hearing cuts out, and sometimes a pitched ringing starts. My heart is either really fast and fluttery or go goes thud, thud, thud and I feel the heart beats in my whole body.

I get an itchy tingling that spreads down my legs. It’s a specific tingly feeling that only happens during presyncope. My feet go numb and my legs burn and almost feel hollow. I get really bad vertigo and sometimes lose my balance. Sometimes I have to immediately get to the floor, but often I’m able to just lock my knees and stand there. My vision starts going black and fuzzy from the edges in. Usually it takes over 70% of my vision and then vision starts to slowly fade back in. But sometimes it takes my vision completely and stays black for up to a couple minutes.

I feel trembly all over and I don’t really notice my breathing (sometimes i end up hold my breath) but it’s shallow and trembly. My face is hot and there’s a super loud electric buzzing filling my head, almost like a bunch of bees surrounding me but sharper. I have to wait for that to fade and then the other symptoms start to fade. Sometimes I can think but often at the peak I can’t think at all.

Usually an after affect lingers for 3-5 minutes, lightheaded, and a really bad pounding headache, tremoring hands, bad balance, and leftover flushing heat.

Something that occasionally happens, usually when it’s bad enough to end up on the floor is a short convulsion episode and twitching, usually after all the symptoms have hit but haven’t faded yet. This is called myoclonus and it can be muscle tensing, twitches, spasms, or the whole body shaking. It’s not a seizure but it can be confused for one. When this happens it’s called convulsive presyncope (or convulsive syncope if you actually faint).

Everything. Everything sliding sideways. Wondering if the sensation of my teeth falling out and clattering to rest on one side of my gums like dominos is a dream or real. It feels real. The sound is the same.

My shoulder makes contact with the wall.

It rattles more dominos loose. Or maybe they shattered. I don’t know. I can’t afford to know, my thoughts a goldfish in an ocean of molasses. Jaw agape. Drooling. Mouth dry, but it keeps coming. Head pounding, rushing water in my ears. Is my heartbeat there? Or has that been injected with lead too, fossilized mid-beat? Am I dying?

*no, not dying,* the faintest of voices insists. A voice? My voice? The molasses demands to fill the pocket each floundering thought occupies in the sea of nothing. *not dying.*

the little voice wades through the muck in tiny galoshes, making far too much noise for my aching mind. Emptying the contents of filing cabinets into the mire to be ruined. Finally, a word. A word written on a faded index card no larger than a postage stamp.

*Presyncope.*

Pre?

How could this be pre-anything?

Maybe pre existence. Maybe void.

My eyes are glassy, unseeing. Searching my surroundings, trying to make sense of the shapes & shadows but there’s no recognition. A tunnel of cotton smothers my face. More cotton seedlings sprout, all over me, little pinpricks of nothingness. I panic but my pulse is too slow. Too heavy. Too heavy even to panic. The plants surge into maturity, bolls of cotton inside my lungs. Lungs that won’t expand but eagerly collapse with every exhale. My vision is obscuring more and more. Milky white. Cotton.

Limp in my cocoon, my senses are dull. Dull like lead.

Lead jaw.

Lead arms.

Lead knees.