#polyamorous dating

I’m looking to connect with a potential boyfriend and girlfriend to form a polyamorous relationship! 💖

The Requirements:

Age: 18–25.

Vibe: Must be kind, supportive, and into the milkie cutecore aesthetic.

Interests: Huge plus if you like Cookie Run: Kingdom, The Amazing Digital Circus, or Vocaloid.

Location: I'm in Rhode Island, but open to long-distance if we really click!

In the past, I'd just go along with it—partly because I was a people pleaser, and honestly because I didn't understand myself as well back then. But then they'd get frustrated when I expected basic relationship things like responding to texts, checking in, or planning actual dates. Like, you were the one who decided we should be doing this relationship thing. I was perfectly happy being friends with benefits.

It feels like this deep fear of rejection driving them to pursue a whole relationship just so they can have sex without guilt. It makes no sense. Sex is just another activity you do with someone you enjoy spending time with—like playing video games, watching movies, playing sports, making art, going to concerts, or heading to the beach together. You wouldn't assume we need to be in a relationship to do any of those things together, so why the hell is sex treated so differently?

Our poly quad is taking our yearly big vacations separately for the first time in our 6.5 year relationship. I’m told that that’s healthy to do. Pffffft. Whatever.

A and R (I switched from the kitschy Friends themed names to initials; I’m married to D, my boyfriend is R, who is married to A, who is my husband’s GF) are leaving tomorrow morning with their adult kids and son in law for Ireland. They’ll be gone a week. I’m super excited for them; they’ve really been looking forward to this. I try not to be clingy, but fuck, it’s going to be hard. Communication will be tough, as they’ll be 6 hours ahead of us and busy with their family. I’m trying to think of things to do to keep me and my mind busy this week. We have some dinners with friends, so that helps…I guess?

D and I are headed to Thailand for 2 weeks in November with some of our friends from the gay bar. I’m looking forward to it and dreading it all at the same time. I’ve never been apart from R for a week, let alone 2. And we’ll be 12 hours ahead, completely flip flopped days and nights. Of course I want to go to Thailand, but I don’t think I’d cry if it were canceled for some reason.

This is a pretty standard beginner question you see come up in polyam and non-monogamy groups.

First, I have personally been working on reframing my thoughts around my partners being with others. Think about it. You rarely hear people ask “What do you do when your partner is at work?”, “What do you do when your partner is at the gym?”, etc. The reality is that we don’t spend EVERY WAKING MOMENT with our partners. They are off doing things all the time that don’t include us. This is no different. If you stop elevating date time/romantic interaction time that your partner has with others above any other time that they spend doing something apart from you, it takes some of the edge off. So now my answer to that question is the same thing I do any other time that I’m not with him. Whatever I want.

Here are some actual tips that have helped me in the past (and in the present) when my partner was out with someone else, especially as I am someone who is prone to jealousy and envy:

1. Feel your feelings. It’s ok to feel jealous or envious. It’s not the end of the world. And the quicker you just allow yourself to feel what you’re feeling, the faster it moves on. I say to myself things like “My partner is on a date and I’m feeling jealous. What’s for dinner?” It’s not a big deal and it doesn’t make you “bad” at polyamory. It just makes you human.

2. I read this thing once called a “date sandwich” where you and your partner are intentional about spending quality time together loving and affirming each other before and after your partner goes on the date. It really helps.

3. Do things you LIKE to do. If you use your partners date time to balance the checkbook or do the laundry or some other adulty thing, you’re going to associate the time your partner spends with other people with drudgery (unless you enjoy doing all of those things in which case rock on!). I like to do things I like to do that my partner doesn’t particularly enjoy that way my brain begins to associate my partner being away with others as pleasure for me, too. Watch that show your partner can’t stand, eat that stinky cheese they gag over when they see you eating it, go see that weird movie your partner would be miserable sitting through. Reconnect with your ability to bring pleasure to yourself all by yourself.

4. Set up a support system if you need it. Schedule time with your own partners if that’s available. Set up a phone call with a polyam friend who’ll understand. Video chat with a person who’s important to you that may be far away. Use that time to reconnect with the other important people in your life.

Exclusive Interview: queer Sundance award-winner Ma Belle, My Beauty filmmaker Marion Hill & stars Idella Johnson & Hannah Pepper “we created this really beautiful container in which desire & intimacy can live”

Writer-director Marion Hill’s queer romance Ma Belle, My Beauty had its world premiere at Sundance, going on to win the Audience Award in the NEXT section of the festival. It’s a gorgeously sun-drenched character-driven drama set in the South of France where Lane (Hannah Pepper) unexpectedly visits her ex-girlfriend Bertie (Idella Johnson) and Bertie’s husband Fred (Lucien Guignard). Bertie, who…

I told the girl I am interested in that I am poly and she didn't take it well. I feel heartbroken now and wish I could change me, so the people wouldn't always leave me as soon as I tell them about the way I am hardwired. I also get that it just wasn't meant to be but I'm still a sad mushroom now.

I am sorry you are feeling like a sad mushroom. It is okay to be sad and frustrated when something doesn’t work out! All of us face times when we don’t get what we want, and it’s okay to admit that it sucks.

I would estimate that about 2/3 of the time when I am interested in someone, the poly angle means things don’t work out. Most people identify as monogamous, so the odds aren’t exactly on our side. (One time, a guy and I planned a romantic weekend in a tiny Irish seaside town, then stood me up because he realized between agreeing to meet me and actually meeting me that he wasn’t actually okay with it! I spent the day wandering on my own, collected some seashells and pebbles, and then took the late train back.)

There are a few things you can do to improve your odds. One is seeking new partners and dates within the polyamorous community. Another is, if you can, being more out and open about your polyamory in general with your friends and social circle, so anyone who might be developing interest in you has that as pre-existing context. And third, think about how you are telling people you’re polyamorous. If you act like you’re unburdening a great secret, or if you spring it too late and people feel led on, that’s more likely to end poorly. Practice being upbeat and chill about your polyamory and try to be patient.