#polyamorous advice

I'm an easily overwhelmed, agoraphobic, introvert - and at times communication IS hard. I often seek alone time with very little interaction with the outside world.

I had a girlfriend who HATED texting and wanted lots of in person face to face time. That relationship slowly unravelled and disappeared - without communication. I'm a texter and couldn't fit my schedule or find the spoons to spend more time with her - and she never texted.

I had to explain to a new person I'm dating that I'm not good at asking a lot of questions - which can look like a lack of interest and a failure in gathering information for a good match. The reality is I figure others will tell me what they want me to know over time as they get comfortable, and if it's important it'll come up. Meanwhile, I'm an open book. I communicate with lengthy paragraphs and stories to paint a picture of my world. Which often gets others to share similarly - through text, and more importantly get to know me on a deep level. In person I'm spastic mess, I get emotional about everything and excitement or frustration can jumble words into an incoherent rant.

When I'm upset, I cry... And trying to help someone see my point of view doesn't work well between frustrated sobs I can't control. With my husband we make an effort to take a pause with intense discussions and let me write/text it out. And while he can be a stoic type during emotional discussions - giving him time to process is important. But my anxious attachment will precieve it as if I'm doing all the communication and he's got nothing!

I also unintentionally go into circles and rants as I process which can be overwhelming to the other party. I've been in relationships where we'd talk and talk and talk and talk until we'd exhaust each other and that talking might turn into yelling or unhealthy silent treatments. Neither of us could understand each other or find common ground.

To prevent this with my husband we set timers. 5/5/10. We each get 5 minutes to share our thoughts, and then we'll have 10 minutes to collaborate on a solution - or to bond or support each other.

I have a FWB who I rarely hear from. Maybe every few months when he's in town and able to set a date to meet. He's not the talkative type unless we're alone in a room together - and I realized I'm ok with this. I don't need constant contact to enjoy my time with him.

I think a huge part of healthy relationships is meeting people where they're at and accepting each other exactly as we are. The good, the bad, the messy, and perfectly whole. And it's beautiful and wonderful! But it's also complicated and hard. Not every relationship is going to last. But the experiences together are valuable nonetheless.

When our communication styles and skills are different, what do we do!? Ironically, we communicate about it, and even a "bad communicator" can find work arounds. I think it comes down to boundaries and trying to understand each other. And if it doesn't work out between both of you - it doesn't mean we can't find someone else who it can't work with.

And while we can find total acceptance of each other one would hope each of us is working on personal progress and improvements in areas that we struggle.

Just like there's no one right perfect way to be poly, I don't think there's only one right perfect way to communicate. We each need to find what works best for us and our individual relationships. And it's going to vary and be different almost every single time.

This is a pretty standard beginner question you see come up in polyam and non-monogamy groups.

First, I have personally been working on reframing my thoughts around my partners being with others. Think about it. You rarely hear people ask “What do you do when your partner is at work?”, “What do you do when your partner is at the gym?”, etc. The reality is that we don’t spend EVERY WAKING MOMENT with our partners. They are off doing things all the time that don’t include us. This is no different. If you stop elevating date time/romantic interaction time that your partner has with others above any other time that they spend doing something apart from you, it takes some of the edge off. So now my answer to that question is the same thing I do any other time that I’m not with him. Whatever I want.

Here are some actual tips that have helped me in the past (and in the present) when my partner was out with someone else, especially as I am someone who is prone to jealousy and envy:

1. Feel your feelings. It’s ok to feel jealous or envious. It’s not the end of the world. And the quicker you just allow yourself to feel what you’re feeling, the faster it moves on. I say to myself things like “My partner is on a date and I’m feeling jealous. What’s for dinner?” It’s not a big deal and it doesn’t make you “bad” at polyamory. It just makes you human.

2. I read this thing once called a “date sandwich” where you and your partner are intentional about spending quality time together loving and affirming each other before and after your partner goes on the date. It really helps.

3. Do things you LIKE to do. If you use your partners date time to balance the checkbook or do the laundry or some other adulty thing, you’re going to associate the time your partner spends with other people with drudgery (unless you enjoy doing all of those things in which case rock on!). I like to do things I like to do that my partner doesn’t particularly enjoy that way my brain begins to associate my partner being away with others as pleasure for me, too. Watch that show your partner can’t stand, eat that stinky cheese they gag over when they see you eating it, go see that weird movie your partner would be miserable sitting through. Reconnect with your ability to bring pleasure to yourself all by yourself.

4. Set up a support system if you need it. Schedule time with your own partners if that’s available. Set up a phone call with a polyam friend who’ll understand. Video chat with a person who’s important to you that may be far away. Use that time to reconnect with the other important people in your life.

So I have this friend, and I know he's in a poly relationship (I don't know the exact details but I know he goes on dates with other people and his partner knows). I've low key wanted to ask him out for a while, but I haven't actually done so. I'm also reasonably sure he's interested in me as well, as his partner asked me if I'd consider a relationship with him (my friend that is).

We've been talking a lot recently, mostly discord calls and playing games together, but the other day we ended up basically looking at nsfw art stuff together. I'm talking like basically porn people have drawn. We had originally just been going to play games with a couple friends and stuff just happened but now I don't really know what to do. So uh, how should I proceed? Idk he's really cute and I don't want to mess up friendship but also I want to make something more happen. Also is there any kind of poly etiquette I'm missing? Because I am friendly with his partner and don't want to offend anyone.

Sorry this is very long and kind of a mess, thanks for your time :)

Polyamory is fairly customizable in that the people involved in the relationship really get to decide how and what works for them, so as far as etiquette goes there's nothing concretely like "you must do this!" "You can't do this!" but the thing I always check for is communication with their existing partners.

You say his partner knows, and that she broached the subject with you so it sounds like he already has mentioned his attraction to you, to her. That's good. And you said you know he's gone on previous dates that she was aware of, so he definitely doesn't sound like the kinda guy who doesn't communicate.

As for how to proceed, honestly it's just talking to him. Bring up the artwork interaction, tell him what you liked or disliked about that experience with him, tell him that's you'd be interested in pursuing something more with him. It doesn't have to be scary, and while I can't speak for everyone I have had friends approach me that I couldn't date, or didn't want to, or it ended up not working out, and we're still really good friends. Hell one of them is currently dating my husband! It doesn't have to ruin anything, and as long as you both are honest and communicate that, you don't have to worry about that so much.

I’ve been in the poly scene for about 5 years now and I want to make something absolutely clear to any old timers and up and comers.

There is NO WAY* to do poly wrong.

Some poly centric communities would have people believe there is only one way to do poly.

These communities are toxic cess pools who exist exclusively for sexual gratification.

That is not what poly is.

If you are uncertain about what poly is, allow me to direct you to the following:

Can you form a romantic bond with more than one individual? Then you are poly

That’s it. That’s the whole thing. Anything beyond that is personal preference and open communication.

I've been dating the same person for 2 years and we've been poly the entire time. Our community and peers think we're slutty because we flirt with others. We're not necessarily out about not being mono but how do you even bring that up to people who aren't open minded anyways? I've been trying to date this other person recently but I can't tell how to bring up polyamory. They know I'm in a committed relationship and that my partner knows I'm openly flirting. I'm at a loss for what to do.

You can't have it both ways - if you're not out to people about being non-monogamous, and you flirt with or pursue other people in front of them, they will assume that something untoward or inappropriate is going on. One could argue that visibly flirting/pursuing others is essentially outing yourself.

If people are not open minded and accepting enough to understand non-monogamy, it's probably not wise to try and flirt with or pursue them. If you're just pursuing other people in front of them, like giving a cute bartender your number while out drinking with them, then they are probably going to be uncomfortable about witnessing what they think is immoral/cheating behavior.

It sounds like you really want to be able to live openly in your community of peers - so it might be best to come out to them. You could do it more formally, sitting down with them and telling them, or you could work with your partner to bring it up more casually, conversationally, just make it known. Secrets and ambiguity make people uncomfortable; if you two talk and joke openly about how you're ok with your partner seeing other people, that usually works better for everyone else.

"Primary"

A "main" partner to whom you are more committed than other people you see

Many people dislike this term as they believe hierarchical relationships are inherently unfair. But for others, it clarifies to potential partners how much time and energy they have for them. 

This term is often used by couples who have opened up to polyamory together. When you share things with one partner, such as home ownership or childrearing, they will often, by necessity, have to take priority over others.