#polyam dating

- Their profile describes the relationship/dynamic they want, but tells you very little about who they are.

They're not actually looking to form a relationship with with someone —they're looking for someone to fill a ROLE. Relationships aren't casting calls!

A real relationship involves two people getting to know each other, discovering whether they're compatible, and figuring out what they want together.

There's nothing wrong with knowing what kind of relationship you're interested in, but if the advertisement is essentially "WANTED:" with a list of requirements for how that person should fit into their existing life, it is a glaring red flag. Especially if, before they've even gotten to know you, they're asking you to consider changing your life to accommodate their desires. Even if those changes happen to align with what you want, ask yourself: Are they interested in me, or am I simply a good candidate for the position? If you stop fitting the role, what happens then?

- You are required to have a relationship with someone else in order to have a relationship with them.

I could go on and on and on about unicorn hunting and the problems with this setup. Again, the issue is that you're being asked to fit into a specific ROLE rather than being allowed to form an individual relationship. If A wants to date B, and B happens to also develop a relationship with C, that's one thing. But if A and B are looking for "someone to date us both," they've already decided what your relationships with them is supposed to look like before they've even met you. That's not giving three people the freedom to discover what they actually want with one another or the freedom to discover EACH OTHER!

If ending the relationship with B means you will lose your relationship with A, then your relationship with A isn't allowed to exist independently. You're effectively being told that access to one relationship is conditional on maintaining another—which creates enormous pressure to stay in a relationship you may not want just to avoid losing someone else you love. It also means if B decided to end things with you, you're likely to lose your relationship with A regardless of how you feel or A feels.

- Which leads us to "Veto Power". A veto means a third party has the authority to demand that another relationship end between two individuals. There is an important difference between "I have a boundary about what relationships I'm willing to remain in" and "I get to decide whether you are allowed to continue dating 'my wife'." The first is autonomy; the second gives one person control over another person's relationship. Vetoes are especially damaging because they can leave the outside partner knowing that their relationship can be terminated at someone else's command, no matter how healthy or meaningful it is. If someone tells you, "I really like you, but my spouse had to approve of my relationship with you and can make me break up with you at any time," believe them.

As a partner you can say if a Metamour makes you uncomfortable and then define boundaries around your interactions with them. It is not ok to tell your partner to end the relationship.

- I'm not talking about "Poly Under Duress" in the section above, but will point it out now. Polyamory is Ethical/Consentual Non-Monogamy, this means every party needs to consent to being in a relationship with the Polyamorous Individual. Consent cannot involve pressure, manipulation, threats, or coercion.

This is something to pay attention to when you're dating someone who already has a partner. Is their partner genuinely consenting to this relationship structure, or are they reluctantly going along with it because they feel they have no other choice? Mono/Poly relationship exist and can be healthy!

But Poly under duress can be especially common in Unicorn Hunting, or in situations where someone has essentially decided they are going to be polyamorous and expects their existing partner to just accept it and allow them to do whatever they want even if it makes them uncomfortable.

Pay attention to how they talk about and treat their existing partners. Are they making a good-faith effort to communicate, negotiate, and meet everyone's needs as equitably as possible? Do they care about their partners' feelings, even when those feelings are difficult or inconvenient? Or do they use "I'm poly" as an excuse to do whatever the hell they want, regardless of how their partners feel?

Polyamory is not a license to disregard your partners. Your partner doesn't have to be thrilled about every aspect of your relationships, but their consent, feelings, needs, and autonomy still matter!

If someone consistently describes their partner as "jealous," "controlling," or "just not getting poly" while taking no responsibility for how their own behavior MAY affects them - you may be walking into a relationship where someone else's lack of consent has been disguised as "polyamory." The way they treat their other partners is also information for how they may treat you.

- Quick Integration Prior to Investigation!

NRE can make everything feel urgent: "I've never felt this way before!" can very quickly become "Let's move in together, intertwine our finances, meet the kids, and restructure our entire lives!" NRE itself isn't a red flag—it's a normal and wonderful part of falling for someone.

The red flag is using NRE as a reason to skip the process of actually getting to know each other. I LOVE the Knapp's Relationship Escalation Model (I have posts about it somewhere.) Relationships generally move through stages of initiating, experimenting, intensifying, integrating, and bonding. The experimental stage—where you're actually learning about each other, figuring out compatibility, and seeing how you function together—is important.

In polyamory, people sometimes rush straight from "we have amazing chemistry" to "let's do everything together!" Without giving the relationship time to demonstrate that it can support that level of integration. Wanting you to move it with them because they want more time with you, or are tired of sleeping alone is not the same as it making the most sense for both of you on a holistic level for both of your lives.

Enjoy the butterflies! Just don't let them drive the car. A relationship doesn't need to be slow, but it should have enough time and space for reality to catch up with the fantasy. The new relationship should not lead to neglecting other relationships (including the relationship with yourself!)

And again, be aware if they are looking for you to "fill a role" vs. taking the time to get to know you, learn about your life, and allow each of you to decide how you organically discover how you fit into each other's lives long term.

- Unethical or undisclosed Hierarchy. Hierarchy itself isn't inherently unethical. People can have spouses, nesting partners, children, shared finances, or other commitments that naturally give one relationship more practical entanglement than another. A relationship of 10 years is GOING to be different and have different priorities than a relationship of 10 months. As someone in a heirarchial poly relationship I have a lot of posts about it.

The red flag is when that hierarchy is hidden, misrepresented, or used to control the progression of your relationship. You might be told, "We don't have rules; we're non-hierarchical!" only to discover that their spouse has to approve every time or how often you see each other, whether you can say "I love you," whether you can become sexually intimate, whether you can meet their friends or family, or whether the relationship is allowed to progress at all.

Those things fundamentally affect the relationship you're being invited into and how it can develop. You deserve to know the actual terms of the relationship before becoming emotionally invested in it.

If someone has hierarchy or agreements that will limit how your relationship can develop, that's information you need in order to give informed consent to the relationship—not something you should have to discover one restriction at a time.

- Be wary when someone avoids responsibility for their choices by saying, “My partner won’t let me.” People are allowed to have agreements that limit what they offer other partners, but each person is responsible for the choices they make in each relationship.

If they’re saying “my partner won’t let me,” they’re placing responsibility for their own choices onto someone else. They are placing the responsibility of YOUR relationship into the hands of a third party whether or not that's actually the case (like with veto power.)

This can create resentment or conflict between metas, and can make you feel like you’re negotiating with or competing against a partner you aren’t even involved with. Even IF a partner Vetos your relationship, your partner IS the one choosing the end the relationship.

It is ok to choose to honor existing commitments and agreements BUT they should take ownership of that choice rather than blaming their partner for the limitation.

You are responsible for the choices you make in every relationship.

- Following the previous two points the other red flag is if they expect you to adapt to rules and limitations they didn't disclose. A relationship requires communication and flexibility from everyone involved. Be wary if someone gradually reveals important restrictions only after you're already emotionally invested, or expects you to endlessly accommodate their existing relationships while making little effort to accommodate you.

Their hierarchy, agreements, time constraints, and other commitments aren't necessarily red flags themselves - the red flag is expecting you to discover or absorb those limitations one at a time.

You should be able to make an informed decision about whether the relationship evolving actually works for you and the people involved, rather than agreeing to one relationship and slowly discovering that you're expected to fit a predetermined role in someone else's life.

Which brings us full circle back to: Relationships are not casting calls!

Conclusion:

Anyways, I keep seeing post that say things like “accepting applications to join my polycule.” Yes, I know there was a joking experimental post making the rounds about this a while back. But I'm increasingly seeing people use the concept seriously. Some people may simply be naive and genuinely think this is how polyamory works - but when someone is recruiting people to fit predetermined roles, with predetermined expectations and rules, it can become predatory AF!

At its core, ethical polyamory is about relationships between PEOPLE. It requires honesty, communication, consent, autonomy, accountability, and actual human connection.

You don't have to be non-hierarchical, relationship anarchist, solo poly, or any particular flavor of ENM to have healthy relationships. But whatever structure you choose, the people in those relationships should be treated as PEOPLE - not pieces being added to a predetermined arrangement.

Get to know each other. Communicate honestly. Give everyone the freedom to choose, and let the relationship become what the people involved actually want it to be.

K. Thanks. Bye.

Heyyy! I so appreciate you reaching out and asking! It's NOT wrong or immortal, however there are a lot of factors and things to consider that I'm happy to break down. (I hope you know I'm long winded!)

Seeking out a third isn't just a problem for the fetish/sexualization reasons.

(Actually, if you look at the Swinger community, Unicorn Hunting is just part of the culture. Unicorns are often treated well. The difference really is about the clear communication around what is expected and those sexual agreements are often less complicated than an emotionally integrated relationship.)

The problem with UH in Polyamory is, the emotional investments and connections that these type of relationships require. Expectations and rules can actually be detrimental to how an intimate relationship organically evolves.

The reality is that it it's unfair to "ADD" someone to your long-term well established relationship. Relationships really are about the connection between two individuals, 1 on 1.

Every healthy long-term Throuple I have ever seen formed organically over a long period of time.

Think of how a relationship is built.

You meet someone, you like them, you ask them out for coffee. Those first few dates are an Initiation, you and that person spend time getting to know each other. Do you have similar interests? How do you vibe? Are you attracted to each other (beyond the physical)? Do you have similar long-term life and relationship goals? Do your calendars line up and make room for each other?

After the Initiation stage it moves into Experimenting, more activities! Are we sexually compatible? What does that look and feel like? Do we have the same sense of humor? As we share personal details about each other how does it affect how we feel? Which leads to Intensifying the connection (this is when NRE (new relationship energy) hits hard! We being expressing deeper feelings, and eventually begin to Integrate into each other's lives. We meet friends, family, partners, and see how we fit in the bigger picture (if those goals align).

Eventualy that's when we form a stable Bond and establish how this relationship may function long term. (Look into the Knap's Relationship Model for more information on relationship stages. I do have a couple posts about it somewhere.)

Now imagine, those first few dates you had with your husband - how would things have looked if he brought his long term girlfriend with him? How might that have affected the relationship you and your husband have built today?

He and his girlfriend have all of these stories, inside jokes, a long history. Every conversation you both had, would have her input. Every interaction, the first kiss, would have also involved her. That's not to say it would have been "bad", but don't you think it would have changed the progression of your relationship? Would you not feel like a third wheel or a need to catch up? Perhaps compared?

What if the first time you and him were planning to be intimate, his girlfriend said "actually, I want both of you to wait until I am ready." OR (and this is unfortunately common) she feels pressure to participate (not necessarily by either of you) before she's ready and betrays herself to make both of you happy? How would you feel seeing them go home together after your first time? Would you want to be "A Third" or an addition to their relationship?

You and your husband like the same woman.

That's fine! It's dandy! In polyamory there is likely to be overlap in who connects with who.

But a Throuple is not "adding someone" to your relationship. It is forming 3 BRAND NEW, highly dynamic (NRE is intense) relationships.

It's not AB+C.

It IS A+B, A+C, B+C, and then A+B+C. Remember you are all whole, unique, autonomous individuals. You each have your own feelings, goals, interests, and ways you interact in a relationship, and it is so so so important to honor and prioritize that.

My (almost) Throuple Experience

My husband and I liked the same woman. We hung out at social functions and events. The three of us vibed great! Always had a good time, and we're always laughing.

Fortunately, we had enough knowledge to know "adding" someone to our relationship would create conflict between us AND be unfair to her. He went on a date with her first. They hit it off! They had an amazing time, romantic, fun, flirty, they like each other so well they had sex on the first date.

I went on a date with her. The vibe was off. She didn't quite get my sense of humor. The way she communicates is more aggressive than I like. We had fun, but the connection wasn't quite there. Kissing her felt weird. I am not someone who has sex on the first date, and she and I definitely didn't want to. My date and connection with her was almost the polar opposite of my hubby's time with her.

We went on a few more dates, maybe feelings would develop! (Hubby and I of course liked the idea of a throuple, so worth exploring the potential.) Feelings did not develop, and we decided we were better as friends. Forget the Throuple - it wouldn't have felt natural for anyone. Sure, when the three of us were together, we got along great, but it would have been a betrayal to Me and Her to try to force a relationship beyond friendship.

She and hubby had a whirlwind romance for about year - but the relationship did come to a natural end (as many relationships do.) I'm still friends with her - she and hubby tolerate each other as social engagements.

Drop the idea of "WE"

By we, I mean you and your husband. You have a stable relationship. Whenever someone starts dating outside of a relationship it tends a to shine a light on how your other relationships are functioning. It will show you what areas need improved. (It's hard to do that when you have a brand new THIRD forced to witness this.) You and your husband have your own unique connection and relationship to maintain - do you really want someone be thrown into it?

What do YOU like about Her? Why do YOU think she's the bees knees!? How do YOU vibe with Her? What about Her do YOU find attractive? What do you both have in common and like doing together? How does kissing her feel to you? The way you love and pamper someone may be completely different than the way your husband does. The way you love someone might not be a way that speaks to her.

What happens when things end?

It's easier to end one relationship than it is to end multiple. What happens if she and your husband actually don't connect? The end of that relationship usually means the end of the Throuple. That can be emotionally painful for everyone involved.

How will your husband feel if things end badly and you continue seeing her? What if you are IN LOVE with her? Is he going to ask you to end it anyway because you both agreed to date her together? Because he feels left out? He misses the Throuple you had?

You and your husband are completely separate individuals and are going to have completely separate feelings, desires, needs, and entire experiences from each other; whether you "add" her to your relationship (not recommended) or form your own individual relationships with her (as is recommended.)

To Summarize

Intimate relationships are complicated as hell. There is a reason the community, literature, and myself warn against certain dynamics, common problems, and common unethical behaviors. This was a long post with a lot of information - it still doesn't cover everything. No piece of literature does.

"You don't know what swimming is like until you get in the water." It's all a learning experience. Do not rush to force a specific dynamic or outcome, take time to allow things to evolve.