#poly relationship

For lack of a better description, Rouxls Kaard is the wannabe version of Sonic SatAM Snively to Robotnik. He loves being second-in-command to a villain. Any kind of villain. It started with his run as the Duke of Puzzles under King. At the height of King's reign, Rouxls was in such a golden spot. He benefited from all of King's power and status without the responsibility to enforce his terror. While Rouxls greatly enjoyed his position, he's fickle. He switches sides to whomever is the winner and cheats, backstabs, and cons to give himself the most ideal outcome. Or he just forces his way in wherever he wants and most beings find it easier to tolerate him than go to the trouble of pushing him out.

Unfortunately, as much as Rouxls enjoys setting up and creating puzzles, he's terrible at it. Every time he dramatically unveils or monologues about one of his games or creations, it doesn't live up to the craftsmanship or expertise he thinks it does. It's amateur work. And that's being generous. Rouxls knows he gained his title through favors and nepotism. Every later attempt he makes to usurp power involves short cuts, underhanded tactics, whatever is easiest.

One of his few saving graces is how much he genuinely cares about Lancer. Queen is obviously Lancer's best and most active parent. I'd be doing a great disservice if I didn't acknowledge that Rouxls was a silver lining for Lancer in a really tense, broken kingdom where he's forced to stand against his dad. Rouxls was the start of Lancer's found family. Rouxls is also technically good looking, according to Clover and the Weather Duo. For what that's worth.

Chapter 3 introduces the Weather Duo: Elnina and Lanino. They're Tenna's lucky in love second-in-commands. They set themselves as a complementary package deal: Lanino is the dapper weatherman in a suit and epaulets that commands the sun, moon, and heat. Elnina is the weatherwoman with pigtails and a cute umbrella-themed skirt that forecasts wind, rain, and snow. These two share a brain cell as much as hopelessly romantic flirts and banter. They have very similar personalities too. In a vacuum, Lanino is a himbo and Elnina boasts surface level girl power slogans. Both of them want to be acknowledged as the charismatic show-stopping powerhouse. The two of them are the queer, cooler versions of Cosmo and Wanda. A huge part of their appeal is how well they fit and work together.

The Fun Gang's first boss fight hits a snag when Lanino cheekily asks who has the more impressive attack pattern. Whoever the player picks between the two of them gets really arrogant and big-headed. They dominate the battle screen as they laugh and antagonize their partner more than the player. The fight ends with the couple arguing, one better half rushing off, and a break up. The next time they appear on screen, both Elnina and Lanino rush about the diner mini-game crying waterfalls.

In the Green Room, the two place deliberate space between each other. Whoever the player approaches, no matter what Kris says, both Elnina and Lanino try to convince themselves they're better as an independent entity. It's all a bluff, though. The problem is that despite how much time these two spend together, they don't know how to healthfully talk through problems.

Granted, their relationship as a shallow, looks great from the outside facade syncs up with Tenna and Kris' perspective on what relationships they've seen. Asgore and Toriel divorced. Noelle's parents have a very tense, tenuous kind of relationship. Chapter 5 reveals that Asriel never worked up the nerve to confess to Dess. So, every romance Kris knows is a giant, festering blank relying on the fairy tale fantasy TV promises.

Elnina and Lanino may be a lighter touch play on how often classic sitcoms sprinkled in ball and chain jokes or stirred up stock miscommunication plots to strike up drama. Neither Elnina or Lanino come across as mean-spirited or that their arguments can't be smoothed over. It's more that they need a few therapy sessions on learning how to express deeper needs and thoughts with the other vs just love declarations and trite expressions. "The weather always sticks together!" needs more substance to back it up.

Tenna tries to amp up the charm and relies on fun distractions, both for his deal with the Knight and a questionable coping mechanism for his own trauma. Appearances are everything in TV World. So, as long as Elnina and Lanino put on their own convincing show, that's all Tenna wants or needs. He steps in to keep the show running smoothly, not really to check on the well-being of the Weather Duo. His solution to reunite the lovers is still part of a grand gesture that's part of the game engineered for Kris and hyped up to entertain a prospective audience.

Rouxls makes an odd comment in the first Weather Duo boss fight, asking if the Duo are single. It was very deliberate wording that he refers to them as a single entity vs two separate individuals. After they break up, he swoops in and has started a relationship with whichever half of the Duo is waiting at the designated spot in Tenna's game. When the player brings the other Weather Duo partner in, Rouxls awkwardly pushes them together and unilaterally decides that they're a throuple now.

It's so funny how Rouxls subverts what a stereotypical clueless couple opening their failing relationship situation looks like. The third prospective partner acts as a bandaid to repair the relationship, an escape plan for someone that wants a safe landing following a break-up, or a pawn to make the ex jealous. Most failed poly situations stem from a couple pulling in new people instead of trying to talk things out or work on their existing relationship first. It's a gross misunderstanding of how much work, honesty, and vulnerability polyamory requires and involves.

Rouxls flips the script. He was getting used as part of a "make my ex jealous" plan. Instead, he takes control of the situation and tries to direct and orchestrate his dysfunctional throuple as another one of his schemes. His absurd sense of self-importance and self-assurance overshadows how empty and distressed both Elnina and Lanino are currently. They want to get back together but they tolerate Rouxls under the assumption that the other genuinely likes him. Because they're still too scared to actually talk to each other, it's easier to follow his instructions instead.

He's confident in himself and his abilities. That's more reliable than their respective feelings of lost, hurt, and confused. Rouxls mistakes the importance of boundaries and communicating with a set of ground rules and weird expectations. He insists that the best way for the three of them to communicate is via convoluted cards and rules he dreamed up. It's really just "I make up the rules as we go" as a thin veneer for "my way or the highway."

The eventual boss fight with Rouxls expands on Kris and the Fun Gang getting recruited to rescue the Weather Duo from Rouxls' incompetent command. The fight itself is the visual equivalent for how frustrating a relationship with Rouxls would look like. He doesn't respect someone's autonomy or abilities. He'll do condescending things like lead or direct a partner with a laser pointer because he thinks that their Thing is better with him as a creative director. Trying to talk to or push back against him is like spinning a random roulette wheel if they're honestly trying to maintain a relationship with him. A partner is a minion more than someone standing on even equal footing.

The Duo needs moral support and Lancer's insights on Lesser Dad to break up with him. Making amends with each other is far more approachable than trying to figure out Rouxls. When the couple does break up with Rouxls, he's more upset about the fact that his joining a polycule didn't automatically translate to sharing roles and power. This comes across as cheeky commentary on how even if an existing couple brings in a third partner, there's still parts, pieces, and history to the couple that will remain unique to them. A polycule can be a unit, but there's still independent moving parts that retain their identity and role outside of their relationship. Maintaining that balance is a huge part of a relationship staying healthy, which is why a lot of people may avoid that structure because of the responsibility attached. Or in the case of these three, they underestimated just how difficult and involved this kind of relationship structure is.

What's really fun to me are the lingering implications that the Weather Duo still have feelings for Rouxls. There is chemistry here. Rouxls bungled it by looking at their potential relationship as a power grab instead of a budding romance. And a few dialogue lines hint that Rouxls is learning about the importance of consent and that if given another opportunity, he'd be a more considerate partner. The few gestures he makes are attempts at little flirts and building intimacy. If Elnina and Lanino have a moment where they're smarter and more aware than comedic writing lets them be, they might have a genuinely sweet and meaningful reunion with Rouxls.

The fact that there's an alternate end where Lanino and Elnina start something with Star Walker show that they are open to and interested in a third partner. Deltarune may not feature a deep, important conversation about consent and boundaries for these three on screen. If Weatherkaard plays out, their reveal scene will have the successful, penultimate things needed for polyamory to work baked in. Given how hellacious the modern dating scene looks, and damn I'm not looking forward to finding out just how much as someone freshly single, I'd love more positive depictions of throuples in media. Or just positive, healthy depictions of couples in general really.

OTHER LINKS

Art Commissions: https://www.tumblr.com/theromanticscrooge/822701844066435073?source=share

Kofi: https://ko-fi.com/theromancescrooge

- Their profile describes the relationship/dynamic they want, but tells you very little about who they are.

They're not actually looking to form a relationship with with someone —they're looking for someone to fill a ROLE. Relationships aren't casting calls!

A real relationship involves two people getting to know each other, discovering whether they're compatible, and figuring out what they want together.

There's nothing wrong with knowing what kind of relationship you're interested in, but if the advertisement is essentially "WANTED:" with a list of requirements for how that person should fit into their existing life, it is a glaring red flag. Especially if, before they've even gotten to know you, they're asking you to consider changing your life to accommodate their desires. Even if those changes happen to align with what you want, ask yourself: Are they interested in me, or am I simply a good candidate for the position? If you stop fitting the role, what happens then?

- You are required to have a relationship with someone else in order to have a relationship with them.

I could go on and on and on about unicorn hunting and the problems with this setup. Again, the issue is that you're being asked to fit into a specific ROLE rather than being allowed to form an individual relationship. If A wants to date B, and B happens to also develop a relationship with C, that's one thing. But if A and B are looking for "someone to date us both," they've already decided what your relationships with them is supposed to look like before they've even met you. That's not giving three people the freedom to discover what they actually want with one another or the freedom to discover EACH OTHER!

If ending the relationship with B means you will lose your relationship with A, then your relationship with A isn't allowed to exist independently. You're effectively being told that access to one relationship is conditional on maintaining another—which creates enormous pressure to stay in a relationship you may not want just to avoid losing someone else you love. It also means if B decided to end things with you, you're likely to lose your relationship with A regardless of how you feel or A feels.

- Which leads us to "Veto Power". A veto means a third party has the authority to demand that another relationship end between two individuals. There is an important difference between "I have a boundary about what relationships I'm willing to remain in" and "I get to decide whether you are allowed to continue dating 'my wife'." The first is autonomy; the second gives one person control over another person's relationship. Vetoes are especially damaging because they can leave the outside partner knowing that their relationship can be terminated at someone else's command, no matter how healthy or meaningful it is. If someone tells you, "I really like you, but my spouse had to approve of my relationship with you and can make me break up with you at any time," believe them.

As a partner you can say if a Metamour makes you uncomfortable and then define boundaries around your interactions with them. It is not ok to tell your partner to end the relationship.

- I'm not talking about "Poly Under Duress" in the section above, but will point it out now. Polyamory is Ethical/Consentual Non-Monogamy, this means every party needs to consent to being in a relationship with the Polyamorous Individual. Consent cannot involve pressure, manipulation, threats, or coercion.

This is something to pay attention to when you're dating someone who already has a partner. Is their partner genuinely consenting to this relationship structure, or are they reluctantly going along with it because they feel they have no other choice? Mono/Poly relationship exist and can be healthy!

But Poly under duress can be especially common in Unicorn Hunting, or in situations where someone has essentially decided they are going to be polyamorous and expects their existing partner to just accept it and allow them to do whatever they want even if it makes them uncomfortable.

Pay attention to how they talk about and treat their existing partners. Are they making a good-faith effort to communicate, negotiate, and meet everyone's needs as equitably as possible? Do they care about their partners' feelings, even when those feelings are difficult or inconvenient? Or do they use "I'm poly" as an excuse to do whatever the hell they want, regardless of how their partners feel?

Polyamory is not a license to disregard your partners. Your partner doesn't have to be thrilled about every aspect of your relationships, but their consent, feelings, needs, and autonomy still matter!

If someone consistently describes their partner as "jealous," "controlling," or "just not getting poly" while taking no responsibility for how their own behavior MAY affects them - you may be walking into a relationship where someone else's lack of consent has been disguised as "polyamory." The way they treat their other partners is also information for how they may treat you.

- Quick Integration Prior to Investigation!

NRE can make everything feel urgent: "I've never felt this way before!" can very quickly become "Let's move in together, intertwine our finances, meet the kids, and restructure our entire lives!" NRE itself isn't a red flag—it's a normal and wonderful part of falling for someone.

The red flag is using NRE as a reason to skip the process of actually getting to know each other. I LOVE the Knapp's Relationship Escalation Model (I have posts about it somewhere.) Relationships generally move through stages of initiating, experimenting, intensifying, integrating, and bonding. The experimental stage—where you're actually learning about each other, figuring out compatibility, and seeing how you function together—is important.

In polyamory, people sometimes rush straight from "we have amazing chemistry" to "let's do everything together!" Without giving the relationship time to demonstrate that it can support that level of integration. Wanting you to move it with them because they want more time with you, or are tired of sleeping alone is not the same as it making the most sense for both of you on a holistic level for both of your lives.

Enjoy the butterflies! Just don't let them drive the car. A relationship doesn't need to be slow, but it should have enough time and space for reality to catch up with the fantasy. The new relationship should not lead to neglecting other relationships (including the relationship with yourself!)

And again, be aware if they are looking for you to "fill a role" vs. taking the time to get to know you, learn about your life, and allow each of you to decide how you organically discover how you fit into each other's lives long term.

- Unethical or undisclosed Hierarchy. Hierarchy itself isn't inherently unethical. People can have spouses, nesting partners, children, shared finances, or other commitments that naturally give one relationship more practical entanglement than another. A relationship of 10 years is GOING to be different and have different priorities than a relationship of 10 months. As someone in a heirarchial poly relationship I have a lot of posts about it.

The red flag is when that hierarchy is hidden, misrepresented, or used to control the progression of your relationship. You might be told, "We don't have rules; we're non-hierarchical!" only to discover that their spouse has to approve every time or how often you see each other, whether you can say "I love you," whether you can become sexually intimate, whether you can meet their friends or family, or whether the relationship is allowed to progress at all.

Those things fundamentally affect the relationship you're being invited into and how it can develop. You deserve to know the actual terms of the relationship before becoming emotionally invested in it.

If someone has hierarchy or agreements that will limit how your relationship can develop, that's information you need in order to give informed consent to the relationship—not something you should have to discover one restriction at a time.

- Be wary when someone avoids responsibility for their choices by saying, “My partner won’t let me.” People are allowed to have agreements that limit what they offer other partners, but each person is responsible for the choices they make in each relationship.

If they’re saying “my partner won’t let me,” they’re placing responsibility for their own choices onto someone else. They are placing the responsibility of YOUR relationship into the hands of a third party whether or not that's actually the case (like with veto power.)

This can create resentment or conflict between metas, and can make you feel like you’re negotiating with or competing against a partner you aren’t even involved with. Even IF a partner Vetos your relationship, your partner IS the one choosing the end the relationship.

It is ok to choose to honor existing commitments and agreements BUT they should take ownership of that choice rather than blaming their partner for the limitation.

You are responsible for the choices you make in every relationship.

- Following the previous two points the other red flag is if they expect you to adapt to rules and limitations they didn't disclose. A relationship requires communication and flexibility from everyone involved. Be wary if someone gradually reveals important restrictions only after you're already emotionally invested, or expects you to endlessly accommodate their existing relationships while making little effort to accommodate you.

Their hierarchy, agreements, time constraints, and other commitments aren't necessarily red flags themselves - the red flag is expecting you to discover or absorb those limitations one at a time.

You should be able to make an informed decision about whether the relationship evolving actually works for you and the people involved, rather than agreeing to one relationship and slowly discovering that you're expected to fit a predetermined role in someone else's life.

Which brings us full circle back to: Relationships are not casting calls!

Conclusion:

Anyways, I keep seeing post that say things like “accepting applications to join my polycule.” Yes, I know there was a joking experimental post making the rounds about this a while back. But I'm increasingly seeing people use the concept seriously. Some people may simply be naive and genuinely think this is how polyamory works - but when someone is recruiting people to fit predetermined roles, with predetermined expectations and rules, it can become predatory AF!

At its core, ethical polyamory is about relationships between PEOPLE. It requires honesty, communication, consent, autonomy, accountability, and actual human connection.

You don't have to be non-hierarchical, relationship anarchist, solo poly, or any particular flavor of ENM to have healthy relationships. But whatever structure you choose, the people in those relationships should be treated as PEOPLE - not pieces being added to a predetermined arrangement.

Get to know each other. Communicate honestly. Give everyone the freedom to choose, and let the relationship become what the people involved actually want it to be.

K. Thanks. Bye.

Hello!

I think it's important to remember that NRE - New Relationship Energy - is like a drug! There's a whole bunch of happy chemicals that happen in the beginning of relationships that heighten attraction, increase motivation, and make you want to seek out your new partner again and again. It's the same reward system involved in novelty and anticipation, which is why one may find themself constantly thinking about them, craving their attention, and feeling like they're the most fascinating person they've ever met. In many ways, NRE temporarily hijacks your brain's ability to think objectively.

Given enough time, things will level out and won't be quite as intense.

As the person dealing with NRE the best advice is to maintain consistent schedules. Make sure you're maintaining time with your other relationships, aren't neglecting responsibilities, and monitoring how much attention is going into the new relationship. As the Hinge it is our responsibility to manage the NRE and make sure we're treating all of our relationships equitably - ensuring every partner is getting the time and attention agreed to.

As the partner of someone in the thralls in NRE, it can be HARD to watch! Whenever a new partner comes into the picture it often shines a light on things your current relationship may be lacking. This can lead to anxiety and insecurities that often lead to wanting to control.

My first suggestion is to be patient and keep yourself busy. Staying busy helps with getting through all difficult feelings, especially if you're feeling lonely. This too shall pass! NRE can last a long time, but it won't last forever!

The second suggestion is the same in any relationship - communicate communicate communicate! Tell your partner you're feeling neglected, that you aren't getting as much time or attention as you'd like to maintain your connection. (Do it without blaming them, or their new partner. The best conversations happen when all parties remain open and curious about each other.) Negotiate possible solutions. I like texting when we're a part, words of affirmation, and making short and long term plans. Have a regularly scheduled date night, especially if it's a long term relationship where you fall into mundane patterns. Remember, quantity of time is not the same as quality time. It's also ok to set boundaries around conversations about other partners. "I'm happy for you, but I'd like to focus on us now." Not everyone wants to know the details of dates, or of their Metamours.

Your partner may not do any of this perfectly, it's all a learning experience! Again try to be patient and give them grace - NRE really is like a drug!

BUT! That doesn't mean you can't advocate for your relationship. It's better to assume your partner does want to improve this and give them the opportunity to do so instead of quietly waiting, making demands, trying to control, or assuming it's a lost cause. It we don't communicate we're losing our on the opportunity to grow together.

(There are situations where a partner will not or absolutely cannot, and that's when it may be worth considering a de-escalation of the relationship. I have ended many a relationship for not meeting the bare minimum to maintain it. It doesn't necessarily mean that person was "bad", they just weren't the person for me at that time.)

I so appreciate you reaching out. At the very least I can tell you that you're not alone. That's a very common feeling to have in Polyamory, which doesn't necessarily ease the hurt but at least there's a sense that it's normal. Feelings are not facts, they're valid, they're not right or wrong. They just are. Be gentle with yourself.

I asked my comet if he's ever felt that way and how he's coped. He shared that in reality he loves not having a nesting partner, being child free, and not having all the responsibilities that comes with that kind of dynamic. Even so he's still shared those sentiments, being solo poly can feel lonely and he sometimes falls into making comparisons to the relationships his partners have with their other partners. (We all do sometimes!)

He said channelling that feeling back into loving his partners, the times we do have together, and the relationship as it is works for him. Compersion isn't necessary, but trying to find it also helps. I did ask if he ever feels "secondary" or like he's not a priority and what would help. He said he asks for a little more affection and words of affirmation - feeling valued is more important than what the dynamic looks like. The fact that I text him good morning and good night every day does make him feel like a priority.

The other piece we discussed is that we literally do not know what the future looks like. Maybe he'll meet someone else and it will evolve into a nesting partner dynamic. Maybe one day he will meet someone and actually wants kids (he doubts it lol). Just because he won't have that with me doesn't mean he can't have it ever.

Also, who knows? When my kids are older my schedule and availability will change. Maybe he'll travel a little less one day and we will see each other more. Maybe hubby and I will want to stay with other partners more often. We can't guarantee we'll be together forever with anyone (even if that's the goal), the only guarantee is change! So find excitement into today and we'll see what happens.

Jordan had met Tia and Corey on a dating app. At the time, both Jordan and the couple weren’t looking for anything serious; Jordan was about to begin his first year of medical school, and Tia and Corey where just looking to dip their toes in the polyamory pool. Now, almost four years later, Tia, Corey, and Jordan have been spending all of their free time together. No one has said it yet, but Corey, Tia, and Jordan have all been thinking the same thing; it’s time to make this relationship official! But as a throuple, what does ‘official’ actually mean?

CLICK THE TITLE, AND FIND OUT TODAY!

My comet is in town and we got to spend time together. Bf and I had two dates and an overnight. Hubby and I ... Well we're always good but we're about to hang out with my comet. (My play partner is also in town and made plans for next week, it's been a year!)

Jordan had met Tia and Corey on a dating app. At the time, both Jordan and the couple weren’t looking for anything serious; Jordan was about to begin his first year of medical school, and Tia and Corey where just looking to dip their toes in the polyamory pool. Now, almost four years later, Tia, Corey, and Jordan have been spending all of their free time together. No one has said it yet, but Corey, Tia, and Jordan have all been thinking the same thing; it’s time to make this relationship official! But as a throuple, what does ‘official’ actually mean?

CLICK THE TITLE, AND FIND OUT TODAY!