#polyamory terms

I’m trying to compile a list of terms related to polyamory for anyone interested. These are scoured from the internet and simplified/explained the best I can. I’ve tried to leave out terms that you don’t commonly come across, yet also keep it pertinent to the community. If you think anything should be added or changed, please let me know. Yours, 

Bigamy:being married (in a legal sense) while already married to another person (usually illegal) Boundaries:a limit placed upon one’s self (ex. “I choose to use condoms with all my partners that have barrier free sex with other partners.” Generally happier medium in the community, but still must be made known to all partners so they can make their own decisions. (see “rules” also.) Closed Relationship:any configuration in which partners are not allowed to seek other partners outside the configuration Compersion:the opposite of jealousy; an empathetic response to a partner’s happiness with their other partner(s) Cowboy/Cowgirl:a man or woman who engages in a relationship with a polyamorous person with the intention of separating them from any other partners Don’t ask, don’t tell (DADT):a relationship structure in which a person can have additional relationships on the condition that their partner doesn’t know anything about the additional relationships or have to communicate with any of the other partners. (Can work, often seen as unhealthy due to decreased communication) Egalitarian Triad:a non-hierarchical triad in which all partners are equal and each partner, including the “unicorn”, has autonomy in the relationship, free to have separate polyamorous relationships, and choose their own boundaries Emotional fidelity:a belief or practice that emotional intimacy or love must be kept exclusive to a particular relationship, though sexual activity or other forms of physical intimacy may occur outside of that relationship Fluid bonding:of or related to practices which involve the exchange of bodily fluids, such as barrier-free sexual intercourse Handfasting:a rural folkloric and neopagan ceremony that unites two people in a common bond; dissimilar marriage as it does not enlist sexual exclusivity or permanence; also is not recognized as a "legal" marriage and thus is not "illegal" or considered bigamy Hierarchical relationship:a polycule configuration in which there is a primary partnership which takes priority over one or more secondary arrangements (can work if all parties agree, but can be frowned upon in the community) Primary partner: in a hierarchical relationship, the partnership with the most involvement, or sometimes the person accorded the most importance Secondary partner: in a hierarchical relationship, the partnership(s) in which either by intent or circumstance, are given less in terms of time, energy, commitment and priority than a primary relationship Tertiary partner: in a hierarchical relationship, the partnership(s) that are generally quite casual, and/or limited with respect to time, energy, or priority Kitchen Table Polyamory (KTP):refers to poly relationships where everyone in the polycule is comfortable sitting together at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee. Metamours want to feel comfortable talking or spending time together, and possibly include children in special events such as birthdays, etc. (Ex. George calls Jane to plan a surprise birthday dinner for Anne and they all go together.) Metamour:your partner’s partner that you are not otherwise involved with romantically. Monogamish:a term used to describe a relationship which is a closed couple most of the time, but has exceptions Monogamy:the practice or state of having a non-platonic relationship with only one partner Nesting Partner(s):the partnership(s) that live together, could include 2 or more, and may share financial responsibility of the home New Relationship Energy (NRE):the feeling of euphoria associated with the beginning of a relationship Non-platonic:a relationship that has a romantic and/or sexual nature Non-monogamy:a catch-all term which covers several types of relationships in which an individual forms multiple and simultaneous sexual and/or romantic bonds with informed consent from all involved One Penis Policy (OPP):a poly arrangement in which a man is allowed to have multiple female partners, who are allowed to have sex with other women but forbidden to have other male partners (usually seen as negative in the community, unless it is the ersonal choice of the women involved) Open relationship:any configuration in which partners are allowed to seek other partners for sex and/or romance Old Relationship Energy (ORE):the feeling of comfort, security, and stability associated with a long-standing romantic relationship Parallel Polyamory:refers to poly relationships where the relationships run in parallel and don’t interact. This could be by choice or forced, such as by distance. Similar to DADT but different in that partners may discuss other partners, with consent from all. (Ex. “I had a date with Jane. She says to say hello. We had dinner and drinks with some deep heart to heart talking. It was amazing.” In DADT, this conversation wouldn’t happen.) Paramour:another partner’s lover (similar to metamour, easy to use descriptively, (“Jane has a new paramour who is anxious to finally meet us.”) Poly/mono (or mono/poly):a relationship between a person who identifies as polyamorous and a person who identifies as monogamous Polyamory:the philosophy or state of being non-platonically involved with more than one person at the same time with informed consent from all involved Polycule/intimate network:a network of people who are involved in non-platonic relationships and their metamours. Dyad: 2 people in a relationship with each other -- Anne and George OR George and Jane. Triad: 3 people in a relationship with each other -- George, Anne, AND Jane are in a relationship together. Quad: 4 people in a relationship with each other. -- Anne, George, Jane, AND John are in a relationship together. Vee/V/Hinge: 3 people in a relationship where one person is dating 2 other people, but those 2 are not dating each other -- Anne and George are married. Anne is dating Jane. Jane and George have no romantic or sexual relations. Anne is a hinge. George and Jane are metamours. Think about this one literally, a hinge, folded to look like a V. One is the hinge, the other 2 are the sides. There are INFINITE polycule possibilities!!!! These are just the most common. 

Polyfidelity:three or more people in a closed relationship Polygamy:the practice or custom of having more than one wife or husband at the same time Polysaturated:polyamorous, but not currently open to new relationships because of the number of existing partners, or time constraints that might make new relationships difficult Relationship anarchy (RA):a philosophy or practice in which people are seen as free to engage in any relationships they choose, any relationship choice is allowable, and in which there is not necessarily a clear distinction between “partner” and “non-partner” Relationship orientation:a person’s identity as related to their preference for monogamy or polyamory Rules:a restriction placed on a partner (generally frowned upon by the community but can work if it is a preference for all partners, and only if all partners know and agree, ex. “You cannot have unprotected sex with your other partners.” Please see “boundaries’ as well.) Solo poly:an approach to polyamory that emphasizes autonomy and the freedom to form relationships without seeking permission from other partners Swinging:a configuration in which partners have a relationship that is open for platonic sexual encounters Unicorn/Dragon:a bisexual, polyamorous woman/man who is open to forming a triad with an established couple; referred to as these mythical creatures because these type of partners are extremely rare. (Though some women/men openly use the term unicorn/dragon for themselves, it is frowned upon for couples to do so. ‘Hunting" for a relationship with one is usually looked down upon. Please see “Egalitarian Triad”.)

I’m trying to compile a list of terms related to polyamory for anyone interested. These are scoured from the internet and simplified/explained the best I can. I’ve tried to leave out terms that you don’t commonly come across, yet also keep it pertinent to the community. If you think anything should be added or changed, please let me know. 

Yours, 

  Bigamy:being married (in a legal sense) while already married to another person (usually illegal) Boundaries:a limit placed upon one’s self (ex. “I choose to use condoms with all my partners that have barrier free sex with other partners.” Generally happier medium in the community, but still must be made known to all partners so they can make their own decisions. (see “rules” also.) Closed Relationship:any configuration in which partners are not allowed to seek other partners outside the configuration Compersion:the opposite of jealousy; an empathetic response to a partner’s happiness with their other partner(s) Cowboy/Cowgirl:a man or woman who engages in a relationship with a polyamorous person with the intention of separating them from any other partners Don’t ask, don’t tell (DADT):a relationship structure in which a person can have additional relationships on the condition that their partner doesn’t know anything about the additional relationships or have to communicate with any of the other partners. (Can work, often seen as unhealthy due to decreased communication) Egalitarian Triad:a non-hierarchical triad in which all partners are equal and each partner, including the “unicorn”, has autonomy in the relationship, free to have separate polyamorous relationships, and choose their own boundaries Emotional fidelity:a belief or practice that emotional intimacy or love must be kept exclusive to a particular relationship, though sexual activity or other forms of physical intimacy may occur outside of that relationship Fluid bonding:of or related to practices which involve the exchange of bodily fluids, such as barrier-free sexual intercourse Handfasting:a rural folkloric and neopagan ceremony that unites two people in a common bond; dissimilar marriage as it does not enlist sexual exclusivity or permanence; also is not recognized as a "legal" marriage and thus is not "illegal" or considered bigamy Hierarchical relationship:a polycule configuration in which there is a primary partnership which takes priority over one or more secondary arrangements (can work if all parties agree, but can be frowned upon in the community) Primary partner: in a hierarchical relationship, the partnership with the most involvement, or sometimes the person accorded the most importance Secondary partner: in a hierarchical relationship, the partnership(s) in which either by intent or circumstance, are given less in terms of time, energy, commitment and priority than a primary relationship Tertiary partner: in a hierarchical relationship, the partnership(s) that are generally quite casual, and/or limited with respect to time, energy, or priority Kitchen Table Polyamory (KTP):refers to poly relationships where everyone in the polycule is comfortable sitting together at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee. Metamours want to feel comfortable talking or spending time together, and possibly include children in special events such as birthdays, etc. (Ex. George calls Jane to plan a surprise birthday dinner for Anne and they all go together.) Metamour:your partner’s partner that you are not otherwise involved with romantically. Monogamish:a term used to describe a relationship which is a closed couple most of the time, but has exceptions Monogamy:the practice or state of having a non-platonic relationship with only one partner Nesting Partner(s):the partnership(s) that live together, could include 2 or more, and may share financial responsibility of the home New Relationship Energy (NRE):the feeling of euphoria associated with the beginning of a relationship Non-platonic:a relationship that has a romantic and/or sexual nature Non-monogamy:a catch-all term which covers several types of relationships in which an individual forms multiple and simultaneous sexual and/or romantic bonds with informed consent from all involved One Penis Policy (OPP):a poly arrangement in which a man is allowed to have multiple female partners, who are allowed to have sex with other women but forbidden to have other male partners (usually seen as negative in the community, unless it is the ersonal choice of the women involved) Open relationship:any configuration in which partners are allowed to seek other partners for sex and/or romance Old Relationship Energy (ORE):the feeling of comfort, security, and stability associated with a long-standing romantic relationship Parallel Polyamory:refers to poly relationships where the relationships run in parallel and don’t interact. This could be by choice or forced, such as by distance. Similar to DADT but different in that partners may discuss other partners, with consent from all. (Ex. “I had a date with Jane. She says to say hello. We had dinner and drinks with some deep heart to heart talking. It was amazing.” In DADT, this conversation wouldn’t happen.) Paramour:another partner’s lover (similar to metamour, easy to use descriptively, (“Jane has a new paramour who is anxious to finally meet us.”) Poly/mono (or mono/poly):a relationship between a person who identifies as polyamorous and a person who identifies as monogamous Polyamory:the philosophy or state of being non-platonically involved with more than one person at the same time with informed consent from all involved Polycule/intimate network:a network of people who are involved in non-platonic relationships and their metamours. Dyad: 2 people in a relationship with each other -- Anne and George OR George and Jane. Triad: 3 people in a relationship with each other -- George, Anne, AND Jane are in a relationship together. Quad: 4 people in a relationship with each other. -- Anne, George, Jane, AND John are in a relationship together. Vee/V/Hinge: 3 people in a relationship where one person is dating 2 other people, but those 2 are not dating each other -- Anne and George are married. Anne is dating Jane. Jane and George have no romantic or sexual relations. Anne is a hinge. George and Jane are metamours. Think about this one literally, a hinge, folded to look like a V. One is the hinge, the other 2 are the sides. There are INFINITE polycule possibilities!!!! These are just the most common. Polyfidelity:three or more people in a closed relationship Polygamy:the practice or custom of having more than one wife or husband at the same time Polysaturated:polyamorous, but not currently open to new relationships because of the number of existing partners, or time constraints that might make new relationships difficult Relationship anarchy (RA):a philosophy or practice in which people are seen as free to engage in any relationships they choose, any relationship choice is allowable, and in which there is not necessarily a clear distinction between “partner” and “non-partner” Relationship orientation:a person’s identity as related to their preference for monogamy or polyamory Rules:a restriction placed on a partner (generally frowned upon by the community but can work if it is a preference for all partners, and only if all partners know and agree, ex. “You cannot have unprotected sex with your other partners.” Please see “boundaries’ as well.) Solo poly:an approach to polyamory that emphasizes autonomy and the freedom to form relationships without seeking permission from other partners Swinging:a configuration in which partners have a relationship that is open for platonic sexual encounters Unicorn/Dragon:a bisexual, polyamorous woman/man who is open to forming a triad with an established couple; referred to as these mythical creatures because these type of partners are extremely rare. (Though some women/men openly use the term unicorn/dragon for themselves, it is frowned upon for couples to do so. ‘Hunting" for a relationship with one is usually looked down upon. Please see “Egalitarian Triad”.)

Google ngram shows both words peaking around 1815, but paramour gets more usage now than "leman" had before it fell out of usage in the 1940s. Since the algorithm scans Googlebooks for its numbers I've got no doubt that straight-to-ebook romance novels are skewing the data, but not enough to contradict the comparison. (and for all i know erotica is the source of contemporary usages of leman, too)

i don't see “paramour” as an archaic or even uncommon term outside of the harlequin bubble, but am I wrong? Do I read so much that a word I believe to be common isn’t even in most people’s vocabularies? Do people not get the meaning behind hayley williams band's name?

*according to a quick Google. there is probably more nuance within the poly community.