#poly advice

hi ok so i and my fiance have been together almost 5 years now, and we’ve realized we’re both polyamorous and comfortable with seeking out relationships as we’re interested. i’ve since noticed i have a crush on a classmate / friend? so i wanna start hanging out with her more (been wanting to already but this helps with spoons) and shes really sweet and cool and all that. i know shes gay or queer or something and i really think she knows the same for me, but i havent really been able to bring up me being polyamorous in any socially smooth way. we had lunch today and i didnt really explicitly call it a romantic date but i tried to be sweet and complimented her a good bit and asked about her and did all the getting-to-know-someone things because i want to get to know her better, and i feel like she was responding well and offered to take me thrifting and play stardew sometime but im also adhd and anxiety and autism about it so im. struggling. how does this go?? i dont have experience in polyamory so i dont know how this is “supposed” to go, i dont know if like. would i tell her both 1- poly and 2- i like her in the same conversation? or should i tell her im poly first and wait longer? would it be implicit that i like her if she knows im poly? im thinking like. what if she would like me if she knew i was available but the base assumption is that im not, so shes categorically not into me? is that a thing or am i being silly? did my straight girl crushes when i was baby rot my brain? how to proceed??

TL;DR: im polyamorous and have my first crush outside of my first relationship with my fiance (also polyamorous). what do.

absolutely dude you can be in whatever kind of relationships you want. anyone tryna tell you you cant put certain labels to a relationship is dumb and doesnt matter. you can be poly and in a QPR just the same as monogamous ppl can have QPRs

So... we are at about the two month point on consolidating our polycule and buying out house. It’s been amazing. AMAZING. I love having my people just a room away. No more traveling and scheduling. We just get to exist together. I get to cook for everyone! It’s magical. 12/10. Would recommend. But it’s not been without its pitfalls and lessons learned. So I thought I’d put forth some advice that I’ve garnered on the road to polycule cohabitating bliss. There have been no major mishaps, but we’ve had a few difficulties and a few instances of “Whew... glad we did this like we did.” And of course... this advice won’t be for everyone. It centers around us purchasing a home together and I get that won’t be everyone. But that said... there’s a few ideas in here that are universal, I think. ------ -First and foremost... be not afraid. I SAID BE NOT AFRAID! But okay really... it can be tempting to assume that everyone is anti-polyamory. And while socially, you're guaranteed at least a raised eyebrow or two, legally and economically no one gives a shit. And if people do give a shit, walk out the door and go find someone else. I promise... you’ll have your choice of companies and people. I can say this with confidence because I live in Alabama. No one gave a shit. Not so much as a comment, question, or weird look. The only time it came up was when we were planning for what happened to the house if one of us died and the lawyers were just asking “Split three ways or split between the married couple and the other guy?” The only positive thing I have to say about capitalism is that it is at least is a-moral enough to not be conservative in this regard. They want to do business. If someone buys a house, everyone makes money including them. Doesn’t matter who’s doing the buying. Queer money spends just like everyone else’s. -When you decide to move in together, set up a group email account and make sure everyone has easy access on all their devices. Do this before you start the buying process or at least before you start consolidating services like utilities, internet, and anything else where having a collective point of contact will make things easier. We have had a lot of re-work to do regarding connecting our services to a place where we all have access because since I took care of setting up a lot of contracts, services, and appointments, they’re all defaulting to my account. That means any changes have to go through my private email. Not ideal. And this leads me to... -Before you start setting up payments for things like the mortgage, utilities etc, get a collective bank account. Do this after you make your household email so security codes and such go there. You can go back and do actual budgeting later, but trust me... it will be so much less work if you have this set up ahead of setting up services. And a sub-point on this one... go for a large chain bank. They are better for things like integrating with Quickbooks, money transfers, and auto-payments. There are a lot of times I champion going local... this is not one of them. Small local banks don’t have the manpower to sustain integrations like that. -Before everyone moves in together, it’s not a bad idea to have a decent guess of some of the harder-to-track expenses like groceries, subscriptions, etc. I’d suggest using a tracker like Mint to see where everyone’s money is currently going. Some things will consolidate... others might not... but you’ll be able to take a stab in the twilight rather than in the dark. -Financial conversations are hard, but it’s a good idea to have the sit down to talk about goals before digging in together. Go ahead and rip the bandaid off at the beginning. And if you’re all flailing madly and don’t know where to start, get someone to help facilitate the conversation. If they’re a friend, you might be able to pay them with dinner, but you might have to invest in some expertise. Do it. Don’t be embarrassed. I promise, no matter what your questions or issues are, rest assured that you’re not the first to ask. And don’t feel like you have to go to some big fancy accountant or investment firm... I’m serious when I say you might be able to find a friend who can just help facilitate the conversation. Who do you know that has their shit together financially? Just ask them what they did and that might at least get you started on your own conversation. But either way... do it. And if that’s impossible because of your anxieties, really interrogate that. It’s less harmful with one person or maybe two... but with a group working together, it’s important to be able to converse about the subject of finances, financial goals, and such. If everyone can talk openly it removes a lot of instability and the issue of inequitable players.  -Similarly to the above, a regular family meeting time is not a bad idea. We do it once a week on Sunday mornings. It doesn’t have to be anything formal or long. Just a sit down to talk about goals for the week, make requests for help, and just generally catch up. Again, it keeps things open and equitable. We use an app called Clickup to help facilitate our conversations... the house we bought is a fixer-upper so there are a lot of projects going. If there is resistance to the idea of taking 15-30 minutes to catch up as a group... interrogate that issue. It’s going to seem like you’re making a mountain out of a molehill, but better to deal with a molehill than a mountain.

We are both poly, I’ve played with him on and off for years. He *was* my safe person, now he’s started playing with my ex who was very toxic for me. I’m hurt that he is seemingly throwing away my trust for someone he is not really into (he’s told me before she’s crazy). His Primary is my best friend, and we all live together. I don’t feel safe anymore around him, he feels tainted now. What do I do?

The concept of “safety” has gotten really twisted lately, and I would encourage you to do your best to untwist it.

There is no such thing as someone being “your safe person.” People are people, and they are independent, complicated, and fallible. It’s important for people to behave in ways that facilitate safety for others, but having a relational role in your life that you refer to as “my safe person” is not accurate, fair, or healthy.

Also, “feeling unsafe” and “being unsafe” are not the same thing. You say that you “don’t feel safe around him” and that he “feels tainted,” but can you articulate what, exactly, makes you less safe now that he has chosen to play with your ex? Was your ex a dangerous stalker who now knows where you live? Is he pressuring you to reconcile with her? Or is he just engaging with someone you don’t like?

You can feel uncomfortable about his choices, or disagree with them, or even wish he hadn’t made them - but none of that puts you at genuine risk. I personally don’t eat pre-cut melon, because the risk of salmonella squicks me out, but if someone else eats pre-cut melon, that’s not my problem. It might make me feel a little disgust or disapproval when I see it, but it does not actually impact my own health and safety.

Seeing people as “tainted” is also not healthy or meaningful, and you may need to reconsider how you manage your own emotions and perceptions. You have issues with this ex, but he does not have the same history of pain and toxic encounters with her. He is allowed to make his own choices, and they don’t have anything to do with you. He did not do this “to” you or “at” you.

I love your attitude. You give muggles (monogamous) a good name and I wish there were more people like you.

You've got a good start just by being supportive of your girlfriend.

I suggest frequent check-ins between the two of you. If something is making either one of you uncomfortable, don't wait until it boils over. Talk it out. Keep the lines of communication open.

Give her space to spend time with her new relationship. But don't be afraid to ask for reassurances or that she find time to also spend with you.

Ok, first dear anon, you are not a pervert.

Second, you could be poly but also being attracted to other people while in a relationship is normal. Attraction doesn't just go away once in a relationship. Crushes and romantic feelings, yeah you probably are poly. Being in love with multiple people at the same time is what polyamory is.

Now, you're in a mono relationship, are you content with being in a mono relationship? Do you think your partner might be open to opening the relationship? Identifying yourself is the first step but now you need to figure out what will make you happy.

Talking to your partner and figuring out what's right for both of y'all is a good idea. Some poly people can be happy in mono relationships, some can't.