#penitdown

i want nothing more

than to wrap my hands around you

and shield you from this world

this cruel, barbaric world.

i felt your pain in my heart

like it was my own.

i remember the tears in your eyes

as they trickled down your face.

i remember the helplessness i felt

as i saw the hopelessness settle in you.

i had the overwhelming urge to protect you

from everyone and everything

“You have been mine before,

How long ago I may not know...”   - Sudden Light (D.G. Rossetti)

We went out for a movie today. Tonight, well. It was cold when we came out. Pulled sleeves of our jackets and hands in the pockets we were walking towards home. I bought a cup of coffee from a shop. And as we were walking, for some reason I thought about him. I thought about how the cold air of the night seemed warm in the denim jacket that I was wearing. I thought how it would have been if we went to a movie, here in this city, in Delhi.

The coffee was strong according to my taste (I don’t really like strong coffee) but still when it went down my food pipe, it left a good taste in my mouth. My tongue savoured the taste of the caffeinated drink. It might have been the effect of the night, you know thinking about him and stuff. But anyways, unlike many other times, I let those thoughts surround me. I did not push them away. I liked to imagine how it would have been - walking through the midnight roads of this city, sipping our favourite hot beverages (I mean I don’t know if he liked coffee), talking about the universe, chasing the stars, discussing our favourite things. I told myself again, maybe this was just the effect of the night, wishful thinking, you know. 

The sky here at night is always very gloomy and dull. You can never see a star shining up there. The sky takes out its frustration and exhaustion in forms of clouds of smoke and fumes at night which covers its layers, hiding away the twinkling little beings. But that’s about it. “The fault, dear Brutus is not in our stars. But in ourselves, that we are underlings.” We are, aren’t we? 

I was crazy and you were trouble. But maybe, maybe we could’ve overcome both of our faults and discover our stars. It wouldn’t have mattered if we were underlings, then. 

And then I thought, maybe we could have shared our going-ons,

Your pressure, my suffering,

My heart, your ache.

Maybe we could’ve. But we don’t know now. We never would.

A friend once told me, humans can be addictive too. You know, like how they say in those romantic poems and songs about making homes in people. I don’t think I could or I can take more addictions now. 

The coffee and this night is enough for me.

how dare you

waltz right into my life

with that suave aura

that blinding smile

and those twinkling eyes.

how easily you broke down the walls

i had so strongly built

around my oh so fragile heart

with the bricks of

unrequited love and feelings.

you make me wish

i had all the time in the word

just so i could spend

every second of it

This is the overthinker thinking now

Maybe it doesn't matter to you but it certainly does concern you right RIGHT now was it my fault I think absolutely not but do I think it's my fault absolutely yes, do I think you did it for me at some corner of my mind yes, do I think I wanted you to do so absolutely/maybe not, did I do something wrong absolutely there was something I surely could have done but I did not do it.

For the end