#noncomformity

I don't like bras.

Haven't worn one in some time.

They're tight and uncomfortable.

Been told I just haven't had it fitted-

never got the right kind

but I felt wrong in my skin.

It was holding me back;

I couldn't breathe.

You don't need to know this,

so why am I telling you?

Because it is okay

to go against the grain.

I was pulled aside in the third grade.

My teacher told me it was inappropriate

for a developing young lady

to not cover up.

I was out of uniform;

boys and men might get the wrong idea.

I felt embarrassed and ashamed.

Forced to wear a bra.

Not long after,

I felt restrained.

My mom did what she'd always done:

fein outrage then do the same things.

As time went on,

so did their persistence.

Wear a bra.

Cover up.

Who are you putting that makeup on for?

Shave your legs.

Shave your pits.

Lose some weight.

Upon coming out,

they remained adamant I was straight.

Go to college.

Get a job.

No, not that job.

Work harder.

You're working too much.

Work less.

Do this.

Do that,

but only how I want you too.

Go to church.

Return to Jesus.

A constant push and pull.

A tug of war on my very soul.

It took me a long time

to learn how to ignore it.

It took me a long time

to feel comfortable

in my own skin.

Why are we hated

for making our own life choices?

I didn't sign this socal contract-

I was born into it.

Written by AprilFool 🐸

Sometimes I wish that my being trans wasn’t widely known in our friends group, because I think I’d feel better about my voice and all the little nagging features that I use to ratchet my mild dissatisfaction up into a full fledged snit. It’s the long standing contradiction of wanting to erase my trans-ness versus how intrinsic it is to who I am. 

Maybe if I started transition earlier, maybe if I even had an idea that I was trans, I’d effortlessly blend into the social construct of femininity but what then? I never fit anywhere a day in my life, why should my gender construction break that pattern? All those what-ifs don’t much matter because I’m way, way out and on the off chance I’m passing anywhere I’ve got a shoulderbag covered in trans shit. The ship, as they say, has sailed.

Still what if I had a soft, gentle voice or had to shave less or didn’t constantly slide a hand over the small amount of remaining arm hair, right? Just rambling, I’m not sure why. I like the way I am. I like how people remember me and my nb wife after meeting us just once, because while we’re not the strangest part of everyone’s day, we’re still a unique pair of encounters. I don’t do anything like anyone but what if I did right? It would be easier.

Swerve Swerve off the road. Run a different path. Swerve to one side, And never look back. Swerve away from the line. Don't follow the others. Swerve away from the cliche. Be different from them. Swerve away from the danger, Of loosing your thoughts. Swerve away from the wall. Do not let yourself crash. Swerve into the light. Open your eyes. Swerve away from the conformist. Be your own person. Swerve back to your direction.