Noise sculpture by Tobias Bradford.

Presenting data that quantified a fact already widely accepted as true, scientists at the University of Michigan released a study Wednesday proving that 97% of all sounds were infuriating. “A meta-analysis of research across the entire field of acoustics confirms that nearly every noise produced, whether artificial or natural, is completely enraging,” said the study’s principal investigator, Alan Dearden, who tapped his pen so goddamn incessantly as he spoke that reporters wanted to run from the room screaming.