• actual generational fumble from red bull like a slow pitstop AND your exit lights aren't working? did the ex redbull second seat drivers actually curse the garage? also the hards. why were we on hards PLEASE. (though verstappen did at one point get a fastest lap on them which. what the fuck?)

• so. many. technical failures. brakes not working, dashes potentially coming off, drs button broken, THE ENTIRE BOARD JUST BREAKING??? at this point call a power outage like in testing....

• speaking of the colossal timings fuckup, i checked my app instead and russell's name kept getting restored to p2 and then inexplicably dropping to dead last then this repeated like 10 times 😭😭

• okay onto the actual Racing, INSANE weekend for haas? starting dead last and p14 but finishing p10 and p8 is actually mental. they have a really solid lineup this year tbh and their strategy team is apparently more competent than any top team (cough ferrari cough) 💀

• what the hell was sainz doing holy shit he was going to run everybody off the track? before any fans cry foul, sorry but if multiple drivers are saying you aren't giving them room then you might be the issue. that 3 place grid penalty was stupid though and he's already dnf-ed like. why is the fia kicking a dead horse???

• red bull what the fck 😭 this is some ferrari type of bad luck i'm not gonna lie like the exit lights breaking has probably occurred to the red garage during some tests. verstappen was hopping MAD with the already bad strategy holy shit. if i was christian horny i'd be scared ngl. but also YUKI TSUNODA POINTS!!! cook that second seat curse omg

• alpine points! gasly had an amazing weekend from qualis to checkered flag so now every single team has scored points this season which is nice. seeing ocon and gasly together at some point made me mildly terrified for a french civil war crash which. admittedly would have spiced up the race (which i love) but everyone was really close due to safety car so it would've been Total carnage.

• i only realized after the race that lawson collided into hulkenberg and stroll?? doesn't matter as much with hulk though because he was disqualified due to. skid block issues? geez that sounds familiar (what is up with the skid blocks?)

• confusing weekend for mercedes like on one hand russell finished where he started, getting a podium but his car sounded like it was falling apart. then antonelli got run off track though i don't think it affected him a lot because the strategy was already kind of fcked by the safety car. pity that his points finish streak is ended though 😭

• piastri was horrifically ahead of the entire pack like great for him but that fcking rocketship oh my god this is like the rb20 again. great drive though i can imagine it's really fun to be that far ahead of everyone 💀 honestly thought mclaren would fck up the strat but i remembered they only fumble when the drivers are next to each other. oops? also norris going over the grid box was hilarious when you see the way verstappen clocked it and then IMMEDIATELY tattled on the radio 😭😭 sometimes f1 feels like a bunch of kids trying to get first in a school festival contest.

• ferrari, oh, ferrari. i actually cannot tell if the new floor worked or not? yes they are faster than before (at least with similar pace to merc according to pundits) but car parts are apparently still flying off 😭 great job for hamilton getting up to p5 from p9 though and thank god the strategy wasn't completely fucked due to the well timed safety car. (which benefited nearly everyone, really) also great defending from leclerc to norris but the car is really no match for that rocketship. (which, they should really just admit is a good car. no shame in acknowledging that your car is good and props to the garage as well.)

new meme section for every race recap. this is the entire race for red bull.

Our story opens in Fairytale Land, where Rumplestiltskin--man not monster--is spinning, and he has a SON. Said son runs in to tell him that soldiers are taking a neighboring girl to be a soldier for the Ogre Wars. A LIKELY TALE.

Also the captain of the soldiers is played by Benny from Supernatural. HE IS A PERV ON THIS SHOW.

Her parents try to stop the soldiers but a mysterious figure called The Dark One stops them using MAGIC. Rumple watches, terrified, as his son notes that he has a birthday in three days and that means they'll come for him, too. I didn't realize that Medieval press gangs were so respectful of the calendar year.

.

In OUR world, Mr. Gold is smirking behind the counter when Emma comes knocking in asking if he's there.

"Well, it is my shop," he says smarmily, as usual imbuing each word with significance.

The gist of their conversation is this: Graham has been dead for two weeks, and Mr. Gold is oh-so-sorry, and doesn't that mean Emma should be sheriff now? Emma backs away from that REAL FAST, so Gold just offers to give her Graham's personal effects. He finally convinces her to take two walkie-talkies, for Henry, and tells her that her time with her son is precious.

"That's the thing about children...before you know it, you lose them."

There's something in his face that makes Emma's heart (and mine) twist.

Emma joins Henry at his castle. His castle playground is one of my favorite sets off the whole show. Henry tells Emma he wants to give Operation Cobra because then Regina will kill her too, just like she killed Graham.

"Good has to play fair. Evil doesn't." -- Henry's best line so far.

Regina comes to GLOAT because she is a HORRIFIC PERSON. She tells Emma that she's appointing Sydney Glass as Sheriff and then actually has the NERVE to accuse Emma as being irreverent in the wake of Graham's death? UGH.

Emma is PISSED. She goes home and wrecks MM's toaster, of all things, while listening to hard rock and wearing a very cute brown blouse.

MM is actually calm about the toaster, because she's pleased that Emma is committing to Storybrooke. Mom Energy. Mr. Gold clearly has the same thought, because he shows up to convince Emma to RUN FOR SHERIFF.

"Two people with a common goal can accomplish many things. Two people with a common enemy can accomplish even more," he says. "How would you like a benefactor?" 

Emma bites.

.

Back in Fairytale Land, Rumplestiltskin and his son, WHOSE NAME IS BAE, CAN WE ACTIVELY NOT, go on the run and then run into ACTUAL BRAD DOURIF, AKA GRIMA WORMTONGUE, who asks them for spare change.

They are almost immediately tracked down by the wicked child-snatching soldiers, who jeer at Rumple's lame foot. OF COURSE Bae has to run his mouth, which leads the captain of the guard to reveal that Rumplestiltskin is "the man who ran," specifically, from the ogre wars, and came home to a wife who couldn't bear to look at him.

BAE (full name: Baelfire) IS SUCH AN IDIOT. HE LITERALLY TELLS THEM HOW OLD HE IS; WTF.

NOW THEY ARE GOING TO TAKE HIM.

Rumple asks what he can do to save his son and the Captain asks him to kiss his boot and DAMN this dude is going to have it coming when Rumple turns into the Dark One.

Speaking of *spoilers*

BRAD DOURIF is back, offering a helping hand. 

Rumple tells him he has nothing to pay, and Brad Dourif says that's fine, "I'll be your benefactor."

UH OH.

.

Regina gives the most freaking ANNOYING town speeches. She is SO. SMUG.

Emma CRASHES her little appointment ceremony in a great way and faces off against Sidney for THE GREAT ELECTION. Watch out, Tracy Flick.

Back in FTL, Brad Dourif and Rumples are eating gross soup and talking about choices. Brad Dourif tells Rumple that all his problems will go away if he gets power. He needs to steal the Dark One's dagger, inscribed with the Dark One's true name, and THEN ALL WILL BE WELL. 

Rumple is too afraid to think of controlling such power so Brad Dourif suggests he JUST STRETCH OUT HIS HAND AND TAKE IT

Sounds hella promising, my man.

In SB, Regina is PISSED. She arrives at Gold's shop--he's looking awfully snazzy today--and he asks if he should "move some things, and make a bit of space for her rage." Sometimes I think they give him all the good lines.

Regina's S1 bob was arguably her best hairstyle. Just like Gold's S1 characterization is arguably his best--you know what, I'm going to try not to be salty. 

Some things stay the same, though: Regina is a bish.

woww I missed Emma's bouncy golden curls and beautiful jacket. She's come to Granny's Diner to learn that--

SYDNEY GLASS HAS STOLEN RECORDS ABOUT EMMA HAVING HENRY IN JAIL AND PRINTED THEM ON THE FRONT PAGE OF THE STORYBROOKE PAPER, A FACT HENRY INFORMS HER OF--

The illegality. I'm shook.

.

In fairytale land, Rumple is on a TRIP about power and what he could do as the Dark One. Bae, the terrible child actor, must learn that his father wants power, smashed his own knee to avoid fighting in the Ogre war, and that his mother...maybe did run off out of shame and isn't *dead*

Don't worry about that, Rumple assures him. We've bigger fish to fry. Literally. We're going to steal the Dark One dagger from the Duke's castle and all will be ... well.

*eyes emoji*

.

Emma confronts Regina in the mayor's office about the records, and Regina spits off this line: "I'm sorry you didn't want people to know you cut his cord with a shiv"

I'm sorry this is a PG-rated show??

They snipe back and forth about the upcoming Sheriff's Debate (timely, I say, 9 years later) and then there's an EXPLOSION. SOMEOnE is playing dirty politics.

Emma helps Regina out of the burning building, Like a Hero, andd Regina is mad about being saved. It's hard being evil and wearing impractical shoes; when the chips are down you might have to hobble along leaning on your enemy. Lessons learned.

Of course, adulation floods in for Emma. "This is how good wins," she tells Henry, though we the audience are uncomfortably reflecting on the fact that her new ally Mr. Gold once set fire to a castle (probably more than one!) in Fairytale Land, just to gain a political Point.

It doesn't take Emma long to draw that connection either, even without the benefit of meaningful flashbacks. A twist of rag soaked in the same sheep oil she saw Mr. Gold using is all it takes. Off she pops to his shop, where he plays the plausible deniability card to the, ahem, HILT, and Emma realizes that she really did make an unfortunate alliance.

.

Speaking of unfortunate alliances, Rumple did it! He got the dagger. It says Zoso on it. Such an uncool name for a dark one. He summons Zoso, who shows up in a dark cloak, so intimidating, except that he says "It's your son's birthday tomorrow" and the word "birthday" sounds very ridiculous in a dark and villainous tone. Rumple kills him, as Brad Dourif told him to, and SURPRISE! The Dark One IS Brad Dourif. Grima Wormtongue strikes again. The twist? The person who kills the Dark One...becomes the Dark One.

But that's something we likely could have guessed.

"WHy me?" demands Rumple.

And Zoso answers-- "Because I know how to recognize a desperate soul."

I will give it to me old show. The moment Rumple's name appears in full on the dagger is one for the...storybook.

.

We're onto the climactic debate. Outside the town hall, the people are gathering. Mary Margaret, for one, always has the cutest little vintage hats. Perfect timing, given that she's running into David the Former Invalid, who is putting up posters for the opposition. She scurries away from THAT encounter, stepping into a position of greater moral clarity and strength--namely, assuring Emma that it's worthwhile to have ambitions both for herself and Henry.

Emma, seeing Mr. Gold in the crowd, is not so sure.

Archie is trying to moderate the debate--all his jokes bring in "crickets," heh. Sidney Glass' opening statement is melodramatic and Regina literally is mouthing along word for word. Emma's opening statement is just plain dramatic. She reveals the whole plot by Gold, in front of the town, and apologizes for being complicit in any way. Good news girl! You look cute as hell in your olive dress and Big Leather Jacket.

And the real win? Henry is proud of her for standing up to Gold, reinstates Operation Cobra, and hands her a walkie-talkie.

And the OTHER real win? She got voted in as sheriff. Regina and Sidney come to give way with passive aggressive compliments and pursed lips.

"You didn't pick a great friend in Mr. Gold," Regina smarms. "But he does make a superlative enemy."

.

AND OH DOESN'T HE. Back in Fairytale Land, Benny the pervy knight is Getting His at the hands Dark!Rumple. Bae watches the carnage unfold while repeatedly, meekly calling "Papa" and not doing much else with his face or voice.

Chills for the Rise of Rumplestiltskin, though. And chills for the subtle menace of Mr. Gold.  He comes to visit Emma in a magenta shirt and a tri-point pocket square. He reveals that Emma acted exactly according to plan.

He knew that she didn't need to just save Regina, she needed to stand up to HIM.

"I know how to recognize a desperate soul," he says, and I Do! Get! a Legit! Shiver!

This is poppycock of course. It’s also bizarre that somehow all these demons and ghosts didn’t manage to spread any further out than that in the hours in took the Winchesters et al to evacuate the town and for Belphegor to perform the spell.

I’m so distracted by this that it’s hard for me to suspend my disbelief.

Rowena tries to reinforce the warding but there are too many ghosts attacking it. More ghosts keep spewing out of the ground. I think it’s weird that Hell is an actual physical place somewhere under the Earth’s crust while Heaven seems to be some kind of otherworldly dimension that looks like an Apple store.

Rowena’s feeling very defeated. Ruth Connell is doing a much better job than the crummy ghosts we've seen so far would seem to warrant. Her acting makes them seem scary and the situation desperate, whereas the writing for the actual ghost characters is...meh. Dean wants to go fight the ghosts but like… there’s really nothing to be done. Shooting them with iron or rock salt only works for a few minutes at most. To make any dent, you'd need all the salt in the Hannibal fandom after NBC canceled it. Shout out to my Fannibals!

I still think somebody needs to be thinking about contacting Billie. Reapers take souls to their great reward or their eternal punishment, I feel like they’d have some useful input. Plus I just want to see Billie again because Lisa Berry is dreamy.

Also Belphegor is such a weaselly jerk about the whole thing. I won't miss that guy. He's the Martin Shkrelli of demons. Shout out to everyone who hates jacked up pharmaceutical prices!

Sam says they're out of ideas. That's because y'all haven't sat around reading books out loud to each other for half an episode! 

Jack mentions something called "Lilith's Crook." Ah, Martin Shkrelli again. He has to explain it's that curved stick thing shepherds use while everyone is being ignorant. "Thing's actually more of a horn," he says. She designed it to control demons on Earth while she was in Hell. You'd think that kind of thing would've come up when Lilith was topside but no! Also there really should've been a call back to that. "You know Lilith... you killed her to let Lucifer out?" That kind of thing.

They work out a plan for Belph to summon the demons and ghosts back to Hell and the Rowena can heal the big spewing fistula in the earth. She wants Sam to assist her, which makes me

Dean coolly volunteers Castiel to accompany Belph. "You've been to Hell before." Cas should've been like, "Yeah to grip your ass tight and raise it from Perdition!" Also how's he supposed to get out again?

Aw jeez here's Ketch in his hospital room. I hope the only reason he's in this episode is to die. The nurse doesn't want to clear him for discharge so a pretty doctor walks in and kills her with a telekinetic neck snap. And that's why we have a nursing shortage in this country! Oh the doctor is Ardat, the demon who hired Ketch to kill Belph.

Fisticuffs ensue even though she could just pin him in place with demonic power. When he refuses to give up the Winchesters, she rips out his heart and shows it to him. He Pikachu faces at her.

I mean, did she really need to ask him? Wouldn't the most likely place be the mile-wide anti-ghost dome? She texts Dean pretending to be Ketch.

Belphegor goads Castiel about his friends sacrificing him, so Cas pushes him down into the ghost fistula. Lol. It doesn't shut him up for long, though. As they wander around Hell, Belph continues to sow the seeds of doubt. Anyway, opening the chest that contains the Doohickey of the Week requires Castiel to sing an Enochian song of praise, but we cut away on the third note. BOO.

Also, having now met Lucifer the whiny petulant manbaby, it's really hard to understand why Lilith or anyone would be so devout for so long. Maybe it's because he was locked in the cage so they didn't actually experience a lot of his pouting. It's all I can think of.

Before Castiel can hand over the Doohickey, Ardat knocks him out of the way. She looks like Joanna Gaines. Maybe she IS Joanna Gaines!

Castiel and Ardat fight. She tries to warn him about Belphegor, but he pops up behind her and kills her with Cas's fallen angel blade. Now we'll never know what she was gonna say! I bet he ends up just blabbing it out himself in the time-honored tradition of villains talking too much.

Indeed, he goes on about how the crook/horn is actually a leash/siphon. This thing is the Swiss Army knife of Doohickeys. He's going to blow the horn and suck all the demons and ghosts into himself to gain their powers. "I'll be a god!"

So while Belph is blowing and sucking, Sam and Rowena and Dean are dirtside working the spell. Ghosts are zooming back down the hole like the Indiana Jones Ark of the Covenant scene in reverse. Castiel tackles Belph and punches him in the face a lot which seems like the equivalent of flicking a dandelion at a law mower to stop it.

Improbably, it hurts jazzed-up Belphegor enough that he pretends to be Jack again to get Cas to stop beating him. Castiel screws up all his angel power and somehow kills him even though there's a buttload of evil spirits in him. Jack's empty body burns like a Thanksgiving turkey left on broil all day.

The ground starts sealing up but something's wrong. Rowena uses a knife to gouge out a "resurrection sachet" she's been keeping buried under her skin. It's why she came back after Lucifer killed her, if you'll recall. It takes Sam a minute to catch on that she intends to sacrifice herself in one final spell. He has to be the one to kill her because prophecy and she can't bring herself to to it for a lot of good reasons.

Now, I don't understand here. She says she's going to absorb all the demons and ghosts, throw herself into Hell, and they'll be trapped. But... didn't Belphegor absorb them? Or a lot of them? I hate that Ruth is doing such a great job and this just feels like forced drama.

Speaking of forced drama. Castiel returns to the surface and tells Dean he killed Belphegor. This could be cleared up with a five second explanation but he makes a lot of pained faces while Dean berates him for ruining their one chance. Forced drama.

Sam reluctantly stabs her in the lower belly... you know, in the uterus area... and she becomes a vessel... with her uterus absorbing all the evil...

"Goodbye boys," she says as she Last of the Mohicans throws herself into the abyss.

Well, it's better than Charlie's death but I still don't like it.

All the surviving team members return to the bunker for the denouement. Sam is taking things pretty hard, which is to be expected, so Dean goes to check on him. "God threw one last apocalypse at us and we beat it," he says to baby bro. Oh honey.

Anyway we're all pretty sure Rowena's going to be running Hell now, right? RIGHT??

Now we come to the part where Dean and Castiel act out a bad soap opera scene. It's just a thin reason to get them to break up for a while. Maybe in the final season they couldn't work Misha into the budget for every episode or maybe the writers couldn't think of more for Castiel to do. So he's gotta go off and it couldn't just be because "you know my surrogate son just died and I need time." 

No it's gotta be all "you always screw up our plans!" and "you don't trust me!" and "are you hearing that romantically sad cello music or is it just me?" and "it's not just you but now I must leave GOOD BYE!"

Onward and upward, readers! Stay tuned for the next recap.

In the meantime, please reblog if you enjoyed this recap and drop by my Ko-Fi tip Jar if you're able. Henry Hound and I are perpetually trying to make ends meet and appreciate your help!