#mod stories

at 8:18 pm on February 13th, shots were fired into a nearby building on campus. from that point on, we were on lockdown. I barricaded myself in my dorm room with my roommate and started reaching out to those I knew.

3 of my classmates lost their lives, and several more are injured. I will be putting updates here for what's going on around campus and any GoFundMes made to support the victims and/or their families.

My maternal grandmother and I had a rough relationship when I was young. I think, in a way, we both resented the other for multiple reasons I won’t get into at the moment simply because this isn’t about me, this is about you. Suffice it to say, I knew the feeling of looking at the ‘poster-child’ idea of the family unit and knowing mine didn’t quite match up. Now I know and feel like that isn’t always a bad thing, but back then it hurt a bit to see other kids talk about their grandparents and me knowing I couldn’t really experience the same thing with my own.

Later, my relationship with my grandmother strengthened. I had to help care for her (rather than the other way around) when my parents had to work on fixing up a new place for us to live. I believe she also, as my father puts it, ‘mellowed out’. And I matured somewhat.

I like to think we finally became friends.

By the time I was of preteenish age, I enjoyed spending time with her, and hopefully she would say the same. Some of my fondest memories are of her telling me stories late at night about the few parts of her early life that were good. And I began to truly love her her despite both our faults. I still do.

She eventually was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s Disease, and I can tell you from experience it’s one of the hardest things to witness much less care for. But we did it as long as we could without putting her in a nursing home. By the time I was a freshman she was really going downhill. It broke my mother’s heart to see it and be unable to do anything about it. And it made me grow up and understand things about life and death and the part in between the transition. She passed away when I was 15. I still hate going in hospitals to this day.

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I also had to go to a college I dreaded, but because it was our last option after several others fell through. I cried my first night there. I was afraid and unsure of what my future would bring me next.

But I have since become so happy with my time at a college I initially hated with all my being :’) I think I hated my situation more than I hated the physical place. It represented my own failures and wayward path my life had taken, and created a sense of powerlessness I could not overcome. And I felt bad about the sacrifices my parents had to make to ensure I could go.

I did make friends there though. People that changed my life for good, and it gave me a chance to really help people in a few small ways. It was incredibly diverse and I got to know people, understand folks from all walks of life, race, religion, etc. I grew as a person. I treasure my time there because with what I was given I was able to do some good, especially in my own life.

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I tell you this because I am not a strong person I don’t think. I wish I was. But I got through these events in my life that I see you now similarly struggle with, for your own specific reasons. If I can get through it, I definitely know you can, dear.

My experiences were not unscathed from…shall we say, hardship. Things weren’t always sunshine and daisies. But in the end, I was a better person for it. I still have my regrets though. A lot of them. And that’s something I wish you to avoid.

I want you to do the best you can with what Life has given you in this moment in time. Respond with love, even if those you face hurt you. It’s hard, believe me I know. But I have learned that responding in hate only feeds into a problem, and people respond far better in compassion. It may take months, years, or never, but you will know for yourself you have done your part and are prepared to take on the world.:’)

I leave you with a thought by Ann Frank, who said,

“Human greatness does not lie in wealth or power, but in character and goodness. People are just people, and all people have faults and shortcomings, but all of us are born with a basic goodness. […] I keep my ideals, because in spite of everything I still believe that people are really good at heart.

How wonderful it is that nobody need wait a single moment before starting to improve the world.”

Keep that in mind and know you have a beautiful future ahead. What happens now will be only a stumbling block to greater, happier things. So do your best, be compassionate. You will get through it and it will be worth it.