#mobility issues

I can walk. Sometimes I fall. Sometimes I need a cane, and knee braces, and insoles, and muscle tape. Sometimes it hurts like hell. Sometimes my joints make the wrong sounds. Sometimes they dislocate. I can endure it. I can walk.

I can work. I can ignore illness for a while. I can trigger my gastritis monthly taking the amount of painkillers I need to push through my period for 8 straight hours until it's over. I can wait until I'm in a restroom on break to gnaw at my skin and cry and shake from the staining ache of service work. I can fix my face and keep going. I can work.

I can pretend I'm not psychotic. I can memorize who should and should not be in a room and ignore people who aren't there. I can take my pills and double the dose when it stops working again. I can ignore the voices and the pokes and the noise and the random pain and the paranoia. I can pretend I'm not psychotic.

I'm lucky

I'm lucky

I'm not disabled

I'm lucky

I'm so lucky

I'm not disabled

My body has never worked properly

Last year I lost a lot of mobility in my leg, found out Im hypermobile and didn't know and managed to sustain an injury that will now just cause pain and my leg to give out at times.

I thought I had carpal tunnel, but it kept getting worse and so quickly. I have arthritis in both my wrists. We dont know which one yet. The pain is debilitating. I cant lift anything heavy, I cant write for long periods of time, I cant even use a computer without pain some days. Currently we have no way to treat either my leg or my wrists (my doctor is working on a plan for the arthritis bu has given up on my legs)

I tell the people around me, hey I just got diagnosed with this thing, I thought id warn you so you know in case im walking weird or I cant do something you would see as easy.

Get told to stop venting. - I was just telling you but okay.

Get told by in laws that im young and if I dont just "push through" then itll only get worse. Thats not how medicine works actually?

Anytime I bring up my pain or difficulty living because of struggles walking or using my hands it gets ignored and im told im exaggerating.

I know im 23. Has anyone told my body? Because for some reason my body didnt get the memo that apparently only people over 50 can be disabled and even then I hate saying im disabled. Like I know by definition, I need things and other people to help me live so yes, but it feels so weird. I cant open cans, jars, my writing is so disastrous because of pain, I walk with a limp most days just because im too stubborn to use a cane. I cant really have sex ever without pain so bad in my hips I cant actually move my legs, I lose feeling in parts of my body due to inflammation and pain that cant be managed.

But no. Im just exaggerating. Someone who spent over a decade focused on strength building and martial arts - a licensed teacher in martial arts - is just having so much fun pretending to have issues moving and doing things. I ignore it knowing its only going to get worse but at some point I wonder when people will take it seriously.

"When are you going to learn to cook?" I cant even hold my phone steady. Yes lets give me knives and hot pans. I do cook. I CAN cook. I cant cook everyday. Why is that such an issue? Would we rather me hurt myself?

"Can you help move this piece of furniture?" No actually my legs dont work? Then im the burden.

Till the illusion shatters

Like the glass of water

You forgot was by the bedside table

I sweep away my covers

At the beginning of the day

And knock it over

And it spills all over my computer

And the shards lie

In my cereal

And I eat it anyways

Because I want so desperately