1. Michelle Pfeiffer as a villainous witch hellbent on slaughtering a fallen star to eat her heart for youth???

2. Young Charlie Cox playing a naive, earnest lovestruck boy who, after being taught on a LIGHTNING CATCHING PIRATE SHIP, evolves into a master swordsman with fantastic hair???

3. Henry Cavill as a snobby small town pretty boy with a weird little mustache???

4. Claire Danes as a sarcastic near-immortal star torn between going home and falling in love???

5. THE PROPER PACING OF ENEMIES TO LOVERS within a two hour run time!!!

6. A well written side plot ft. a gang of bloodthirsty princes who one by one kill each-other until none of them can have the crown!

7. Robert De Niro cast as a FANTASTIC gay drag queen cosplaying as a violent pirate captain with a motley crew who, upon discovering his “dirty little secret” of crossdressing announce they all love him no matter what he wears?!?!

8. The delicious “everything is connected” trope tying it all into a perfect little fairytale?!

9. GOOD special effects and INCREDIBLE COSTUMING! IN! ONE! FILM!

10. “A philosopher once asked, are we human because we gaze at the stars, or do we gaze at them because we are human? Pointless, really. Do the stars gaze back? Now, that’s a question” AS AN OPENING LINE???

NONE of us deserved this movie and yet it was graciously gifted to us via the magical early 2000’s when cinema was fucking FUN.

I will die on this hill and i will take you all with me because we are going to rewatch this gem and obsess over it with the same ferocity we give to the entire community of cult classic movies!!! As it deserves!!!

Bonus:

1. Welcome!

2. I promise you are / will be goth enough. Don’t stress about being a newbie. 🖤

3. Dig into the music first. There’s about a million “goth playlists” on most music streaming apps. Haunt your local secondhand record store. Visit your local library and see if they let you rent/listen to music for free. Look through your current music and see if you have any goth stuff already. Don’t force yourself to like a certain band or artist just because they’re popular in the subculture. 🎶🎧🎹

4. Look into your closet for goth clothes when you start-don’t go out and buy a bunch of cheap mass produced shien crap pieces. It’s a waste of your money and they will immediately disintegrate in the wash. A lot of looks in this community start with DIY, a gallon of RIT dye and experimenting artistically. Learn to sew if you can. Youtube is your best friend for learning how to make your own clothes. 🪡🧵

5. Goth makeup sits on a spectrum from a full trad goth face to simple black eyeliner (esp if you work in an attire/appearance restricting environment) there’s lots of variations and styles that deviate. Also, goth jewelry has a pretty big selection. Silver or gold, antique or modern. Choose your own adventure.

6. Goth is for everyone except conservatives. Doesn’t matter where you are, what you look like, what race you are, what gender or sexuality (etc.) People who call themselves “conservative goths” are losers who like dressing all black. They’re the culture vultures of this community. Goth and punk ideals go hand in hand, and both have never been *for* the establishment/capitalism/conservative values. Avoid “conservative goths” and ignore their bs.

7. Know your history. “Goth” started in the UK in the early 80’s centered around those who enjoyed gothic rock music and out of the norm fashion. I’m not saying you need to name all goth bands ever, but you should know how this subculture started and what’s evolved from it.

8. Connect online and in your community. Pretty self explanatory. Find other goths. If you’re going to record stores, oddity shops (places that sell bones/preserved insects/weird shit) goth clubs, the gloomiest coffee shop you can find, and of course, the library (it’s punk as hell to have a library card, okay?Support your local libraries.) Some of us *do* hang out at the cemetery, but we ALWAYS follow proper graveyard etiquette and are respectful of the dead. You don’t take stuff and never ever leave trash. Be quiet and don’t bother people who are grieving. 🪦

9. Lots of gothic themes/aesthetics can be found in movies, books, pop culture characters, architecture, clothing, nature, etc. if you need inspiration. Find some goth books. Watch some black and white movies. Basically the world is your oyster. 🎬

10. You’re allowed to enjoy stuff / do stuff that isn’t goth. I have clothes in my wardrobe that aren’t black. I talk to the living on occasion. I have a normal 9 to 5 job.