Maybe I’m Not Craving Loneliness—Maybe I’m Craving Freedom⛓️‍💥🪷

I came back because I needed somewhere to put these feelings. Maybe someone else out there will understand.

Lately, I have been exhausted in a way that sleep doesn’t fix.

I’m tired of running. Running to people to make me feel safe. Running to people to make me feel understood, accepted, loved. And the more I run, the more I realize that what I’m searching for isn’t in other people.

I think I’m searching for myself.

I crave independence, but I’m terrified of it. I crave being alone, but I’m afraid of what will happen when it’s just me and my thoughts. I want to build a life that feels peaceful and safe, but anxiety keeps convincing me that safety doesn’t exist.

I’m tired of waiting for life to get better. Tired of praying and hoping and trying to stay faithful while feeling like I’m drowning emotionally, mentally, and financially. Tired of watching everyone else move forward while I feel stuck in the same place, fighting the same battles, carrying the same fears.

I don’t want luxury.

I don’t want perfection.

I just want peace.

I want to know what it feels like to wake up and not be afraid. I want to know what it feels like to trust myself enough to stand on my own. I want to stop trying to save everyone else when I can’t even figure out how to save myself.

Maybe that’s why I’ve been pulling away.

Maybe I’m not craving loneliness.

Maybe I’m craving freedom.

Freedom from fear. Freedom from expectations. Freedom from needing other people to tell me who I am or whether I’m worthy of happiness.

I want to feed my own soul.

And maybe that’s the saddest and most hopeful thing I’ve realized lately: that the person I’ve been searching for to save me might have been me all along.

Why do I have to succumb to everyone’s way of life?

And why does everyone feel like they have to succumb to mine?

I am a Christ follower, but I have never believed in forcing anyone to walk the same path I do. So why does it seem like people believe my existence somehow affects theirs? Why do people feel the need to tell me who I should be, how I should think, what I should believe, or how I should heal?

Why do I have to be so sensitive?

Why do words hit me like bullets while everyone else seems to walk away untouched? Why am I expected to act like things don’t hurt when they do? Why am I expected to smile through wounds that nobody can see?

Maybe it’s the abandonment.

Maybe it’s the anxiety.

Maybe it’s the trauma.

Maybe it’s all of those things….

But those things are not who I am.

I am tired of fighting for value in places that never intended to give it to me. I am tired of searching for love, support, validation, and understanding from people who cannot provide what they don’t possess themselves.

The truth is, I crave those things because I am human.

I want to be seen.

I want to be loved.

I want to be valued.

Not because of what I do.

But somewhere along the way, I realized that I don’t fully see myself.

Dissociation has a way of making you feel like you’re watching your life instead of living it. Like you’re sitting somewhere behind your own eyes, disconnected from the person everyone else sees. Sometimes I forget that I am here. That I am real. That I am a person deserving of the same compassion I freely give to everyone else.

I deserve to be loved.

Not because of what I provide.

Not because of who approves of me.

But because I exist.

And God sees that!

So I’m gonna make an effort to work on ME!

Learning what I like.

Learning what brings me peace.

Learning who I am outside of everyone else’s expectations.

-Not everyone will understand my journey, and that’s okay.

-Not everyone will support my growth, and that’s okay.

-Not everyone will walk beside me, and that’s okay.

I am learning that my worth is not determined by someone else’s opinion.

I am learning that I don’t need permission to become the person God created me to be.

For the first time in a long time, I am choosing myself.