#lifeonlifesterms

Gotta accept them at their baseline... Or move on.

Kind of hard to expect people to be where I want them to be at spiritually. It requires a particular receptiveness and willingness to be open and vulnerable. I know now, that I have chosen the path less traveled. Not that I EVER had a choice. One that I was put on unknowingly by my people a long time ago. Being "open" can be hard for people like us. It means that you aren't just in tune with yourself and your higher power. You are also in tune with the people and even the environment around you. For me, it's very much like being a spider on a web. I feel EVERY vibration from EVERY living thing that I come across. From the earth, the plants. I can even feel the energies of inanimate objects. That is and can be very overwhelming at times. Especially when I have so much going on in my own life. I can feel people's intentions.... Their "vibes" if you will. With that I can tell alot about them. I used drugs and alcohol for a LONG TIME in an attempt to dumb myself done in social settings.....To numb the pain of "knowing" and to quiet the barrage of feelings associated with being the spider that feels EVERYTHING...ALL THE TIME.

I have come to a point in my life that I know FOR CERTAIN that I have a DIFFERENT purpose in this world. I don't think at this point I will ever be able to go back to living a "normal" life. I can return to the walking dead. The land of obscurity, building more regrets than memories... Go back to numbing and dumbing myself down to fit in society's thresh hold. Or I can live my life through my devine intention. I'm searching for something. I think a lot of us are. Something more. A greater sense of BEING... A purpose beyond anything that this petty world run in it's "normal" and most basic setting has to offer. I yearn for the TRUTH. For TRUE and REAL human connection. To experience love and give it in return in a way that is seldom exercised. Unfortunately, I feel like this means that I have to remove the attachments from my life that seem to be holding me back spiritually. I've taken drugs from my life. I no longer drink. My job is NOT demanding at all. I don't have what I want...but I have what I need to survive... This will prove to be the hardest test of faith for me EVER. I hope that I have the strength to carry this out. My heart breaks just thinking about it. My soul is in consistent agony most of the time though and I feel that I'll never reach this goal if I don't release these attachments.

Pray for me.

I don't know. I wish I knew what was the right thing to do. I feel... trapped. Trapped in this town and my job. Trapped with a cat I didn't want and a bunny that isn't mine. It seems that every time I try to do what I need to do for me, someone else decides to take it personally and derail everything.

I had a dream last night. It was so real. A dream about heroin. I dreamt that I shot up. I haven't touched a needle in probably a year and a half. But it came back so quick to my dreaming self. Mixing it, drawing it up, tapping out the bubbles, tying off and finding a vein, sliding it in, drawing back and getting blood, and slowly pressing down on the plunger.