#lettersforyou

How long has it been? Almost 2 months I guess. There's a lot of things I think I need to tell you but can't tell you directly so I'm writing this 'letter' here, without any guarantee if you'll be able to read it. We both know you don't have a good memory but I need to set myself free from my thoughts that keep me from moving forward totally.

I think it's almost a week now since I noticed that I kept on sleeping. I spent most of my day sleeping, konting sandal nakakatulog ako. They're not even short naps, they last for hours, 2hrs to say the least. Akala ko nung una, tinatamad lang ako hanggang sa napansin ko something is wrong. Paano ko nalaman? I suddenly lost interest sa lahat. I limit myself from talking to other people, I don't even work.

Last Friday night, I can't sleep. All of a sudden, I got this urge to check our last conversation that I archived. Tapos napansin ko you changed your display photo and tried to search you on Facebook. Nagtataka ako bakit hindi kita masearch, naalala ko I blocked you so I had to unblock you to see your profile.

So yeah, you changed display photo and it's actually a decent one. You even posted self portraits, and you really looked happy. Mahirap man paniwalaan but I felt happy to see you happy. Ewan ko, siguro ganon lang talaga ako. I don't know if you still remember but one of the last things I tolf you is that I wish for your happiness. Though photos aren't enough to tell the whole truth, it's nice to see you smiling. I did miss it.

As I was scrolling you profile, I saw you posted a screenshot of a write-up done by another girl. I knew deep inside she's not just an ordinary girl, definitely not a friend. Some may think I'm just assuming things, but you know why I was able to have this feeling. I also saw you went back posting on your page, which I checked also. I also read that post you dedicated to someone, your 'June'.

June. We broke up on the month of June. And you started writing about someone who made you "June". Of course, hindi ako yon. Your creation was so light, even uplifting. Kaya alam kong hindi ako yun, alam ko she is someone else.

When you told me you fell out of love with me, I fought my own thoughts. I gave you the benefit of the doubt, na wala namang iba. Even if you keeo mentioning about our next relationships, you even asked me for advice, remember? I knew within me na may iba, you won't ask that for nothing. Pero siguro it was too much to handle for me I convinced myself I was just overthinking.

You confessed to me that you started falling out of love after hitting our third month two weeks before our fifth month. For almost two months, your I love you's weren't that genuine anymore. I asked you, why didn't you tell me, why did you stay? You were expecting something will change, but it didn't happen and you stayed out of convenience. You don't want your routine to mess up. Alam mo ba kung gaano kasakit to process everything?

When I asked you paano mo nasabing you fell out of love, sabi mo okay lang sayo na hindi tayo nakakapag-usap. You even said there were days when you feel irritated when I tell you how my day went. You were my home, but I was not your home, I was not part of your peace. Masakit, until now masakit. And the trauma it brought me is massive. I can't reach out to people if I have problems. Paano ba naman, sarili kong 'home' naiirita sa mga kwento ko, what more kung ibang tao di ba? I know it's not right to generalize but you can't blame me. The fear is real, thinking the possibility of it happening again is making me sick to my stomach.

And reading your posts now, how I wished you also told me back then that there is someone else. Bakit? I'm always being held back. Yung gusto ki magmove forward pero I feel like I have to know something pa. It's not nice knowings bits of truths and get hurt every single time. You said I was a decent partner, sana you told me the truth I deserved. Na kahit masasaktan ako, sinabi mo pa rin lahat. Nasaktan na kasi ako, sana binuhos mo na. Hindi yung ganito na parang paisa-isa.

I'm hoping that after this letter, I'll be able to set myself free from the pain that you caused. I know it won't be easy but I know I don't deserve this loneliness, this fear. I deserve to be happy too. And yes, after this I'll come out stronger.

I wish you well with your career, and the new chapter of your life with someone new. And hopefully, you're taking steps in making yourself healthy. I hope you'll set aside your pride and seek help, because you need it. Don't limit the people who love you help you resolve your problems.

Yeah that's it.

"Guess you didn't cheat, but you're still a traitor."

-Rose

I am writing this letter to express my feelings about how much you have affected me these past few day. You practically don’t have even the slightest idea of how much you basically control me (more like my mood) but, I really wish you would have also felt the same.

For this past few days, I have been constantly thinking about you. Literally, everything, almost everything I do is driven by the thoughts of you. 

You make me smile, chuckle, grin and smirk. But, at the same time you make me feel so irritated, erratic, worried, disturbed and mad. All these mixtures of emotions that you make me feel can probably be labeled as stupid, but, I am feeling all of these wide range of emotions because of you. In just a matter of days, you make me feel these various emotions. I am almost inclined to say that I love you but, I have yet to make sure of that though. I mean, I don’t know for sure if I am just infatuated with you. Because, yes, I am like 20-something yet in terms of this confusing world called love, I still haven’t figured out its science yet. I have yet to explore more and do research in this field that is far too mind-boggling and deep. All I know, is I am still at the tip of the ice-berg for such matter. 

These past few day, you made me smile a lot yet really erratic as well. That feeling of you liking my posts or liking my day, I really feel this “kilig”. They say, it is the start of truly liking someone when you feel this for such little things that seems to be really big in such times. I keep on thinking about those times as well when we chatted each other. Yes, it was full of inquiries about medical things but dang! When we got into exchanging  of opinions and facts about things that were both new to us, that was the time I felt extreme feelings of liking you. 

I began to constantly want to chat you, want to know you even more but then, it came to a point where the exchange of wits and information, facts and deliberation became such rare events. Regardless of this, I still wanted to really want that communication and connection with you. Still, wanting and waiting. 

I always remember how you made me feel like when we chatted though. First, I smile, and get a bit giddied up. Then our chat box went a little bit lively and I begun to really have that huge curve on my lips. A little while later, it was like the only thing I give attention to was our conversation and my friends even asked what kept me busy as I could not entertain them because of you. So funny of how at those moments, I can vividly remember how I always kind of roll back and forth in my bed with that big grin in my face. Sometimes, I even do face-palms in both of my hands just because I can’t believe I was chatting with you. I can’t believe how I was feeling at that moment I was chatting with you. I was in a state of incredible “kilig”. In a state of extreme bliss that I knew, I like you.

You know, you kind of make me mad as well over these past few days. I mean, I feel so much irritated at times when you do not chat me anymore. I constantly think of ways to get to chat you. Constantly finding topics that would entice you to chat back. I felt so worried that you might know I already have this feelings of liking you so much but, at the same time, felt so disturbed whenever you don’t get to chat me or like my posts.  

I don’t know...I... I really have no clue right now if this is infatuation or not. It is just that, I feel so happy and great whenever we chat, feel so irritated and sad whenever we don’t. I keep on wondering about you and think about you.

I don’t know, but, I think it is also to much to say that I love you. All I know, right now, is that, I like these fleeting moments of simple conversations and virtual gestures that made me like you this much.

ι мιѕѕ υ

ι мιѕѕ υr ѕмιle, υr laυgнтer, and jυѕт υ.

coυnтιn down тнe dayѕ

we ѕoon ѕнall вe тogeтнer

"Let me get to myself first, so I can get to you." - Avy Silva

I don't want my heart to be crushed several times before it reaches you. So, for the time being, let me bloom first in my own season until the day of your arrival. Then, perhaps, in front of a crowd of witnesses, I'll be able to proudly declare, "I have faithfully waited for you, my gracey."

-

As we enter the new year of 2022, I'd want to dedicate a series of letters to someone I haven't met, yet.

I used to write letters to my future love when God introduced this desire in my heart to have a God-centered family someday -- this is basically when I began my journey with the Lord in 2015. Every year, I also keep a journal for him. However, they were no where to be found, if I didn't lose, it was because I unintentionally quit -- the world we live in had fooled me twice, making me believe that I had finally found "the one". That brokenness snatched my heart and dragged me to the field of hopelessness. Yes, I have become a hopeless romantic, which causes me to look for love in the wrong places.

But this year, I'd like to return to the very heart of Jesus. Instead of looking for love in every person I meet, I'd merely pray for my heart and, unspecifically, for my future husband. For whoever and whatever position we are in at the moment God chooses to cross our paths, we would be happy that we placed our complete trust in the Maker of the best love stories ever written.