QUEEN

I used to be the person who’ll go home ALONE. Palaging nasa isip paano kaya yung pakiramdam na may taong sigurado para sayo. I still remember myself from last year, February ata yon? Breaking down… crying.. asking for help and all cause Im so frustrated na Im looking for something real but I keep on meeting wrong person. Paulit ulit tumatak sa isip ko na Im not good enough ba? Hindi ba ko maganda? Deserve mahalin?

But YOU, you appeared infront of me. I know this person for months already that time. He was just “invisible” in my eyes cause he’s my boss. :) I remember someone teased me.. siguro dalawa to be exact ng same day what if ikaw nalang raw jowain ko kasi single ka naman? 😁 As time goes by.. nung nag simula ng tuloy tuloy usapan natin bigla ka ng nahahagip ng mata ko. Slowly smiling while looking sa mga messages mo.. but I feel like this might not end good (as takot at kota na sa ganong scenario) nakakapagod na rin kasi mag imagine na inlove ka tas poof trial lang 😴

And then… it happened. ☺️ Hindi na ko magisa umuuwi kasi hindi ka pumapayag na hindi ako maihatid. Hindi nako naaaliw nalang sa mga “what ifs” ko kasi pinapakita mo na “what is” ☺️ Hindi ako perpekto pero pakiramdam ko etong feelings natin sa isa’t isa yung pinaka perfect sa lahat. Hindi ko inexpect na ganito pala ka kalmado ang pagibig na totoo. Hindi ko inexpect na ganito pala kasaya kapag yung taong mahal mo eh mahal ka rin. Someone who’ll never get tired to listen sa mga walang kwentang chismis o juicy chismis.. 😗

Kung titignan mo ang bilis ng mga nangyare pero nakaka amaze lang rin dahil nag tagpo yung feelings natin dalawa. Nag abot yung gusto ko sa mga bagay na gusto mo rin. Ganito pala yung pagibig na SIGURADO ka no? Yung pagibig na alam mong paggising mo kinabukasan anjan pa rin. Hindi mawawala. Kung mawawala man alam mong naging totoo at puro yung bawat sigundong magkasama tayo. 😊

I think 1 month palang tayo pareho nating alam at ramdam na this will never end. We are meant for each other. Inshort, I found the one. :) Sabi nga ni Ebe Dancel, nag iisang tiyak sa isang libong duda.

Feels sad when you have to exert extra effort with everything. I feel like eventually I’ll fucked up on something. Nakakapagod rin hehe nakakapagod sumubok ng sumubok tapos eventually.. may palpak pa ring magagawa. 

Sanay naman akong mag-isa. Constant walang plus 1 in every gala or alis with friends. Sanay na akong mag isa, anjan naman yung mga kaibigan ko. 

Pero alam mo yung pakiramdam after a long fun day habang pauwi ka maiisip mo nalang... ano kayang pakiramdam ng may taong maghahatid sayo. ano kayang pakiramdam na may taong sasamahan ka sa mga gusto mong gawin. ano kayang pakiramdam nung may taong hindi hahayaan iparamdam sayo na magisa ka.. ang saya siguro?

Tapos babalik ka na sa reality. Reality na masaya ka naman mag isa. Masaya naman kahit wala kang kasama. Masaya ka pa rin naman.

I constantly keep on trying talking to guys pero most of them fail. Hindi sila ready. And I honestly feel tired investing time, emotions and effort sa mga taong hindi naman din alam kung ano ba talagang gusto nila sa buhay bukod sa kakatihan ng laman nila. Draining to the point na Im questioning myself na kung ano yung wala sa akin bakit parang never naging enough? parang never naging sigurado yung mga tao.

Hayaan mo na sabi ko. Whatever happens, happens.

and it happened. 

It started with casual talks.

Okay naman, pero ayokong lagyan ng kahit anong malisya DAHIL DUH WHY WOULD I.

Then viola, constant talks. Yung small conversation napunta na sa conversation na 10 topic all at once. :)

“Napapangiti nako putangina” yan yung paulit ulit kong sinasabi sa mga kaibigan ko o kahit din sa sarili ko “Patay ako neto.”

I don’t wanna assume sa nararamdaman niya. Mas ayokong magkamali sa nararamdaman ko. Ayokong mag bigay ng mga motibong hindi naman ako sigurado dahil I don’t wanna fucked this up. Hindi pwede. masyadong maliit yung mundo namin kaya hindi talaga pwede.

Slowly our conversation turned into more romantic “putangina talaga” nalang ang masasabi ko. HIndi pa rin kasi ako sigurado sa kung saan to patungo. :)

He clears his intentions. He makes sure na alam kong mahal niya ko at choice niya yon. I have my own choice as well at ako ang responsible doon. 

Hindi ito kasama sa na program sakin for the longest time. Hindi kasama sa nakasanayan ko yung sigurado. I’m still adjusting with it.

Inantay niya ko, at inaantay niya pa rin akong maging handa. 

Sanay naman akong mag isa, pero ngayon kailangan ko na atang masanay na may taong hindi ako hahayaan maging mag isa.

Hi,

To the person who never fails to surprise me, thank you. 🥺🥰 Ako yung tipo ng taong napakadaldal mapa-chat or personal yet with your surprises bigla akong nagiging speechless. 🥺 Today you surprised me again, without any warning or heads-up you just brighten up my DAY ay no, my MONTH na instantly. Alam mo bang ito yung unang beses kong makareceive ng bouquet (except nung nanalo ko sa pageant lol), sanay naman akong hindi nakakatanggap ng flowers pero you let me experience the joy of holding those gorgeous flowers. Sunflowers? Perfect. Everything is perfect. 🥰 Thank you for making sure that I feel loved. 🤍

I hope you know how grateful I am to have you in my life. 🤍

I was diagnosed with “Adjustment disorder with mixed anxiety and depressed mood.” it somehow rooted out when I was a kid. When my parents over nourished me. (Hindi talaga healthy ang “sobra”)

I was only child for the longest time (13 yrs to be exact). Yep, since only child lang ako I can get what I want. instantly. So when I wanted to play with someone (which is not that rare because I got cousins) I somehow tried my best to go with their terms. Typical kiddo lol. I mean I have the lutu-lutuan set, I allow them to be the tindera and I’ll just be the boring taga bili ng food and gumastos kuno ng play money. why? simple lang. as a kid they would normally play with me if they had the chance to play the role they want. and as a person na sabik sa kalaro I always agree. Kasi takot ako maging mag isa ulit. 

Everytime I’m with people I love and everything feels perfect I’m scared that it will not happen again. It will not go back the way I see it. 

I stayed with 8 fvcking yrs with someone that I thought I’m scared to not be with. Im scared to let him go because I feel like no one would make me happy the way he did. (spoiler alert. I got better off without him. I made myself happier). I did agree with all his terms in life why? because mas takot ako sa idea na mawala siya. Takot ako sa change na yon. Tinanggap ko lahat ng kababuyan niya (which resulted to TRAUMA hays) para lang mag stay siya. But ending.. nawala din. and it sucks because I feel like I’m always the problem. I did something that’s why nawala siya/sila.

I hate it when someone ghosting me. I thought marupok ako kasi baka attached na ako agad sa kanila. pero yung totoo I’m not. Im just comfortable with their presence tas biglang mawawala ng walang warning (WHICH IS NOT GOOD FOR ME CAUSE BITCH SLOW BURN NGA AKO SA AJUSTMENTS DIBA) so I always think na WHAT THE FUUURK IS WRONG WITH ME as if I did something bad to them. It was draining to the point I feel the exact pain when I broke up with my ex. It was so frustrating as fuck (but mas mabilis mag recover). Nakakarecover ako agad kasi nga SLOW BURN yung pag adjust ko, kaya ko naman ng wala sila pero mas mabagal lang ako mag process. 

When my friedns treat me differently napapansin ko yon even on the smallest changes. It frustrates me. Ayaw na niya sakin? may mas tropa na siya? ah ganon. HAHAHA see? I’m that needy and it annoys me for the longest time lalo na nung di ko pa alam yung diagnosis sakin. I remember when I was in HS lilibre ko talaga aports ko just to be with me. (kuripot nako ngayon eh) Alam mo yun parang lahat ng pabor willing ako iadjust kasi nga takot ako mawala sila sa buhay ko and may instances na masakit sa part kong Im not that special to them (PERO YUN NGA DI NAMAN PALA. IBA LANG TALAGA KO MAG ISIP).

It was hard to deal with it kasi even on the smallest detail ramdam ko o alam ko na may nag bago. And it sucks beh kasi lagi akong takot. Takot maramdaman ng paulit ulit yung pain (anxious yarn) na may mawawala sakin. and most of the time nangyayare naman yun (which im not in control dun). I have to adapt na oo mahirap pero that how life works. People come and go. Make you happy now but disappear whenever they want. I should stop focusing on the things that I cannot control. I should also not really give everything para wag lang sila umalis sa buhay ko. I should also give my own terms. Yep I should stop adjusting for others.