Hey You,
How long has it been? Almost 2 months I guess. There's a lot of things I think I need to tell you but can't tell you directly so I'm writing this 'letter' here, without any guarantee if you'll be able to read it. We both know you don't have a good memory but I need to set myself free from my thoughts that keep me from moving forward totally.
I think it's almost a week now since I noticed that I kept on sleeping. I spent most of my day sleeping, konting sandal nakakatulog ako. They're not even short naps, they last for hours, 2hrs to say the least. Akala ko nung una, tinatamad lang ako hanggang sa napansin ko something is wrong. Paano ko nalaman? I suddenly lost interest sa lahat. I limit myself from talking to other people, I don't even work.
Last Friday night, I can't sleep. All of a sudden, I got this urge to check our last conversation that I archived. Tapos napansin ko you changed your display photo and tried to search you on Facebook. Nagtataka ako bakit hindi kita masearch, naalala ko I blocked you so I had to unblock you to see your profile.
So yeah, you changed display photo and it's actually a decent one. You even posted self portraits, and you really looked happy. Mahirap man paniwalaan but I felt happy to see you happy. Ewan ko, siguro ganon lang talaga ako. I don't know if you still remember but one of the last things I tolf you is that I wish for your happiness. Though photos aren't enough to tell the whole truth, it's nice to see you smiling. I did miss it.
As I was scrolling you profile, I saw you posted a screenshot of a write-up done by another girl. I knew deep inside she's not just an ordinary girl, definitely not a friend. Some may think I'm just assuming things, but you know why I was able to have this feeling. I also saw you went back posting on your page, which I checked also. I also read that post you dedicated to someone, your 'June'.
June. We broke up on the month of June. And you started writing about someone who made you "June". Of course, hindi ako yon. Your creation was so light, even uplifting. Kaya alam kong hindi ako yun, alam ko she is someone else.
When you told me you fell out of love with me, I fought my own thoughts. I gave you the benefit of the doubt, na wala namang iba. Even if you keeo mentioning about our next relationships, you even asked me for advice, remember? I knew within me na may iba, you won't ask that for nothing. Pero siguro it was too much to handle for me I convinced myself I was just overthinking.
You confessed to me that you started falling out of love after hitting our third month two weeks before our fifth month. For almost two months, your I love you's weren't that genuine anymore. I asked you, why didn't you tell me, why did you stay? You were expecting something will change, but it didn't happen and you stayed out of convenience. You don't want your routine to mess up. Alam mo ba kung gaano kasakit to process everything?
When I asked you paano mo nasabing you fell out of love, sabi mo okay lang sayo na hindi tayo nakakapag-usap. You even said there were days when you feel irritated when I tell you how my day went. You were my home, but I was not your home, I was not part of your peace. Masakit, until now masakit. And the trauma it brought me is massive. I can't reach out to people if I have problems. Paano ba naman, sarili kong 'home' naiirita sa mga kwento ko, what more kung ibang tao di ba? I know it's not right to generalize but you can't blame me. The fear is real, thinking the possibility of it happening again is making me sick to my stomach.
And reading your posts now, how I wished you also told me back then that there is someone else. Bakit? I'm always being held back. Yung gusto ki magmove forward pero I feel like I have to know something pa. It's not nice knowings bits of truths and get hurt every single time. You said I was a decent partner, sana you told me the truth I deserved. Na kahit masasaktan ako, sinabi mo pa rin lahat. Nasaktan na kasi ako, sana binuhos mo na. Hindi yung ganito na parang paisa-isa.
I'm hoping that after this letter, I'll be able to set myself free from the pain that you caused. I know it won't be easy but I know I don't deserve this loneliness, this fear. I deserve to be happy too. And yes, after this I'll come out stronger.
I wish you well with your career, and the new chapter of your life with someone new. And hopefully, you're taking steps in making yourself healthy. I hope you'll set aside your pride and seek help, because you need it. Don't limit the people who love you help you resolve your problems.
Yeah that's it.
"Guess you didn't cheat, but you're still a traitor."
-Rose
PS. One day, I'll be able to wear my unicorn PJs and not think about you anymore.
