#junnin garay

I am writing this letter to express my feelings about how much you have affected me these past few day. You practically don’t have even the slightest idea of how much you basically control me (more like my mood) but, I really wish you would have also felt the same.

For this past few days, I have been constantly thinking about you. Literally, everything, almost everything I do is driven by the thoughts of you. 

You make me smile, chuckle, grin and smirk. But, at the same time you make me feel so irritated, erratic, worried, disturbed and mad. All these mixtures of emotions that you make me feel can probably be labeled as stupid, but, I am feeling all of these wide range of emotions because of you. In just a matter of days, you make me feel these various emotions. I am almost inclined to say that I love you but, I have yet to make sure of that though. I mean, I don’t know for sure if I am just infatuated with you. Because, yes, I am like 20-something yet in terms of this confusing world called love, I still haven’t figured out its science yet. I have yet to explore more and do research in this field that is far too mind-boggling and deep. All I know, is I am still at the tip of the ice-berg for such matter. 

These past few day, you made me smile a lot yet really erratic as well. That feeling of you liking my posts or liking my day, I really feel this “kilig”. They say, it is the start of truly liking someone when you feel this for such little things that seems to be really big in such times. I keep on thinking about those times as well when we chatted each other. Yes, it was full of inquiries about medical things but dang! When we got into exchanging  of opinions and facts about things that were both new to us, that was the time I felt extreme feelings of liking you. 

I began to constantly want to chat you, want to know you even more but then, it came to a point where the exchange of wits and information, facts and deliberation became such rare events. Regardless of this, I still wanted to really want that communication and connection with you. Still, wanting and waiting. 

I always remember how you made me feel like when we chatted though. First, I smile, and get a bit giddied up. Then our chat box went a little bit lively and I begun to really have that huge curve on my lips. A little while later, it was like the only thing I give attention to was our conversation and my friends even asked what kept me busy as I could not entertain them because of you. So funny of how at those moments, I can vividly remember how I always kind of roll back and forth in my bed with that big grin in my face. Sometimes, I even do face-palms in both of my hands just because I can’t believe I was chatting with you. I can’t believe how I was feeling at that moment I was chatting with you. I was in a state of incredible “kilig”. In a state of extreme bliss that I knew, I like you.

You know, you kind of make me mad as well over these past few days. I mean, I feel so much irritated at times when you do not chat me anymore. I constantly think of ways to get to chat you. Constantly finding topics that would entice you to chat back. I felt so worried that you might know I already have this feelings of liking you so much but, at the same time, felt so disturbed whenever you don’t get to chat me or like my posts.  

I don’t know...I... I really have no clue right now if this is infatuation or not. It is just that, I feel so happy and great whenever we chat, feel so irritated and sad whenever we don’t. I keep on wondering about you and think about you.

I don’t know, but, I think it is also to much to say that I love you. All I know, right now, is that, I like these fleeting moments of simple conversations and virtual gestures that made me like you this much.

I long for you; your presence and smile. I long for every bit of good and bad you have. I long for what we could have. I don’t want to say those 3-words, 8-letters; but, I feel like I want to. I feel like I am. For the longest time, I have been suppressing it; for the longest time, I been keeping it. I wanna say it out loud for you to hear my crying heart. It longs for you, it longs for your attention. My dear, would you be so surprised if I say; I am liking you way too much that I should?

Season of coldness, bringing out sadness. Loneliness devouring, cloistered thinking. Nevertheless, upon the great forlorn, I walked, I found you, unto the great unknown.

Stooge (noun): a person who serves merely to support or assist others, particularly in doing unpleasant work.

Have you heard of the word stooge? 

Basically, according to oxford dictionary, it is a person who serves merely  to support or assist others, particularly in doing unpleasant work. However, in my dictionary, I would like to eliminate some words that better fits these people that I have encountered during the pandemic. So, in my dictionary, the word stooge means something like this:  a person who helps, assists, and supports others in times of need; a friend who’s got your back and lifts you up so that all of you can rise above.  

To be honest, I have came across a lot of people and the process of befriending them, really, really, takes quite some amount of time. With the case of these people, that seemingly unsurmountable setback of mine did not become an issue this time. What can I say? Perhaps there are just some people who you feel comfortable with regardless of distance and time (whooaaww that seems like physicsky; talk about speed! maybe I should say regardless of speed! wahahaha).

Right now, while writing this, it is 12:28 A.M. in the morning of June 6th and.....I am thinking that the 12 A.M. prowess is kicking in. Or maybe I just really feel this nostalgia knowing that 2 months from now, we may not interact as much as we did for the past year we have known each other. 

For a very long time, I really wanted to write an entry about them. I don’t know why. But, a part of me have this urge to write something about them- a memorabilia of some sort; of the people that made my clinical pharmacy school bearable and an extremely unforgettable experience. 

Nutsukashi....nutsukashi...nutsukashi....it seems like yesterday when we had our first meeting for our thesis and now, we are almost at the end of the story line of the clinical pharmacy chapter of our lives- the one chapter I want to book mark because of these stooges that I met and never want to ever forget. We are already at the climax of this chapter of our lives and the resolution to whether or not we will keep in touch, I still have no idea....Regardless of whatever will happen, I will keep the beautiful memoirs we had; the laughter, the jokes, the constant baffled faces as we face a tough activity, the constant support as we report, the hardships during thesis, the sleepless nights for revisions, and all the whatnots that we did. I will keep it cherished. I will keep this chapter of my book highlighted, booked marked with a golden thread for I know I will re-read this chapter. 

To the 4 stooges who helped me, to the 4 friends I made during the pandemic that made this seemingly never-ending lockdowns unbearable, to my homies, chums, my tomodachis, “I am incredibly grateful that I met you. Unknowingly, you have made such a huge impact in my life. Unbeknownst to you, this introvert (me) really feels warm and fuzzy talking about you.” 

“Watashi wa anatawowasurenai. Totemo yoi tomodachi de ite kurete arigatou!”

I finally get it when they say, there are just those people that you encounter and really look forward to meet. Those people that you feel like regardless of only having to meet online, meeting them in person seems like no problem at all. Like, things will just naturally happen- conversations will overflow, adventures will happen, and memories will be made. I imagined the road trip that we planned, it would have been momentous! Nonetheless, perhaps, someday, if God permits, and time will permit, I will finally meet these stooges that made such a kaleidoscope of my clinical pharmacy journey. 

I love these 4 stooges- the indelible people of the not-so-grown-up-kid. 

The sun finally showed up its rays, after how many days of looming and hiding. As if, it is hibernating by itself; having a week of hiatus from nature, letting its opposing elements rule over. It’s rays finally touched the ground! Flowers seems to greet its radiance as they opened their buds with such vigor and vitality; a way of saying hi to one of nature’s provider. 

An Except from the Chronicles of Mr. J

(A letter to Mr. J from Ms. J)

Written by: Ms. J

I still feel this “kilig” feeling even if I know you are already taken. I wonder why there is really a hormone surge whenever you like, react to my posts, and chat. Boy, oh boy, you were the man I wanted to date. I kept my hopes up knowing that somehow all I will ever be is  just your friend. The way you made me feel is the way I want you to feel for me. 

The way you made me feel is the way you treated me. Was it all really just a friendly gesture? Or... maybe...just maybe... somehow...there is something beneath those gestures. We had a unique set of pet name! You were even the one who formulated it. It was a unique pet name suitable for a couple (or for a couple of people who have mutual understanding at least). We had moments and conversations of almost....almost...being...being there. 

I remembered the times, I constantly ignored my pursuers. I chatted with them but not the way I chatted with you! We conversed, chewed the fat, that even sleep was not a matter for sacrifice. 

When you came, my focus was entirely just set unto you that I forgot how to flirt with others. 

Somehow, I may have misread your intentions and gestures. I remember the times when people ask me, do I have a boyfriend? Gosh I waited for the time to tell them it is you. Yet here I am, telling them I never had one, ever since birth. Still wishing that I would proudly tell them you are my one and only man. 

Sometimes, I would just lie out there and wonder what if I just became this coquettish woman and flirted away just like I did before I met you. More like before I knew I was already into you. What if I said yes to those suitors and just welcomed them in! What if, I agreed to become the girlfriend of those who I flirted before. There is a part of me that questioned that whenever I think of you. A part of me that feels regret. A past I can no longer rewrite.

Along the lines, I realized though, that this is my karma. Because I was exactly this flirtatious being before I met you. Yes, I never had a boyfriend, but I had people who I just constantly flirt with and spend time with. People would often wonder if at that time I already had a boyfriend and, I would say no because all I ever did was to prolong the courting phase and tease my suitors.  

If I could talk to my past self, I would have told her to just say yes to those suitors. Say yes! Because, maybe along the way, you will truly like someone... truly like someone just like how you truly liked and loved *****. 

You know, I want to be happy for you. I want to be happy that you already have someone who would make your day lovely and great. Someone you will always look forward to be with. But, I just can’t lie to myself. Whenever the truth is slapped right into my face, I feel this bitterness deep inside of me. The one I don’t want to feel because I like you and I don’t want to be selfish just because we did not end up together. But it is there. And it stings whenever I am confronted with the truth. 

Dear bruh,

What to say? Well, I guess happy birthday would be the most appropriate thing to say first (haha).

Anyways, I would like to take this juncture and opportunity (speech lang?) to thank you for being my big brother ever since first year college days. I never had a “kuya” as I was the eldest of the family but, I always liked the idea of having one.

We have been best friends since college days, had lots of adventures, laags, food trips, and whatnots in life that I sometimes forgot until I was able to rummage on our old photos on Facebook for my "myday" post and greetings (haha). It was then that I realized that we had many adventures because eventually some photo testimonies clearly depicts of how I am a third wheeler sa inyuha ni butch 🤣🤣.

I have to say, I am lucky to have a friend like you. Even blessed to have a friend like you. I remember the time when I was struggling to understand my faith in God and my confusion in religion, you guys helped me understand more about the bible.

The thing about why you are such a great friend is that you make people feel included. You always keep in touch even when you are miles away from them. And that is one of the many things I really liked about our friendship. Even if dugay nata wla nagkita, chill lang, because I feel no gap when we see each other. The conversation still overflows and there are no dead moments of awkward silence.

If I have to say another thing that makes you a great friend and person, it is that you always cheer on people that they can do it despite of the hopelessness. You always tell them to go for it and that they can do it; we just have to trust in God to bless us in doing so.

I am so thankful to be your friend and sister because of how opposite we are when it comes with handling people (haha). Without you I wouldn't have known people or interacted with them. For such an introverted person who declines to have a lot of human interactions, I probably would not survive the first semester of clin phar 🤣🤣.

I just wanna say thank you a lot. Thank you for being such a great brother. Thank you for the the adventures, food trips, and advices (spiritual or non-spiritual ones). You are one of my only few friends but the quality and genuiness  of our friendship is exemplary.

I wish you a happy birthday bruh despite of the pandemic. I hope and pray for your success in whatever path you choose together with God's blessings. I hope and pray that in the future this friendship will be more solid than ever.

xoxo

Love lots,