#kindasorry

I didn't mean to, but looking back, it's kinda creepy. XD

I was using a computer at school today, and when I took it from the cart and opened it- it was still logged into some random person's account and on a timed out online game?

So, I closed the game, and posted a sticky note/App/Reminder thing to their Desktop. I looked at their account to see their name- I'll use a fake name here- but I feel like it came out less friendly and more creepy/stalker?

"You should really log out before the end of class, Steve."

That's kinda ominous? And, afterwards, I considered that I should have put a smiley face- but that'd probably look worse?

"You should really log out before the end of class, Steve =) "

(A Public Service Announcment)

Also...

(A rant)

(Sorry)

(But I gotta)

TODAY I was flipping through tumblr, reading everything and anything that had to do with MBTI and I happened to come on to a post that stated that infjs are usually "smiling through the pain."

I THOUGHT hmmm okay... sometimes, I guess, but doesn't everybody? Eh, whatever stereotypes will be what stereotypes are: stereotypes.

THEN I CAME UPON another post saying things somewhat differently. It stated, "infjs are usually always sad." I appreciated the key word "usually" but still.

I MUST'VE happened upon at least 4 more posts that said something to this extent until I decided to write this post.

MANY OTHER PEOPLE have also asked me why I am sad all of the time. Why they never see me smile? Etc. Etc.

AND THE TRUTH IS... Because I am not in a constant state of misery but because I am in a constant state of thoughtfulness or a constant state of MEDIUM. I am not always sad and I am not always happy. I allow events, and people, and even thoughts to change my emotions. I am not in a constant state of woe. To quote a young Paramore, "I'm pretty optimistic for a pessimist."

I ALSO don't rely on the aforementioned nouns to change my emotions or my outlook. Sometimes I'm sad but sometimes I'm happy. However, I am almost always concentrated.

NOW I KNOW these posts are supposed to be fun and make me laugh (which they do) even if I am at a public bus station giggling to myself like a complete buffoon. And I don't take them too seriously but I just thought I would put this out there just in case anyone of you know a fellow INFJ and think to yourself: why is she always sad?

HONESTLY if we are to label INFJs as in a constant state of woe, we should be labeling INTPs that as well. My best friend who is an INTP and I are constantly sharing the same facial expressions. SO.

Sincerely,

Me, an INFJ

600 liked post.....

This is far more nerve-racking than I thought it would be. 

I’m Magda, and I’m a newly graduated holistic nutritionist. I am passionate about serving others and teaching healthy lifestyle through food, exercise and supplements. I also manage a little health food store.  To my customers, I am lean, my skin is clear, and I’m usually smiling.  I’m told I look healthy. However flattering that is, I definitely don’t feel healthy.  Here’s confession number one: I went to KFC today.

WHAT?! Are you outraged? How could someone who’s supposed to represent healthy living eat f**king garbage? GMOs, factory farms, trans fats, general shittiness all around!  

In fact, all through my nutrition program I hid my shame from most of my classmates. I would hit the McDonald’s drive-thru on my way to school and wolf it down on the ride there, making sure to hide the wrappers in case anyone were to peer into my car. Then in class we would learn how deep-fried foods are as damaging to your body as smoking is. Some days I’d bring a green smoothie to school, or some homemade healthy snack. Those days I felt like I fit in. But I also felt like a hypocrite. 

More often than not, at nights I would binge drink because it was the easiest, fastest way to relieve stress.  Stress over what? 

I had just gone through a painful break-up, instigated by me.  Being alone and cut off from my then ex was enough for me to want to numb the pain. Then there was school. My first three attempts at post-secondary education ended up with me quitting because I got overwhelmed easily.  It was usually a scholarly paper that got me so anxious that I’d rather drop the course than write the damn paper.  I was also working two part time jobs while in school, and felt like I never had enough time to study. I did have the time. I just chose to drink instead.

Maybe I should back this up and give you a little more context.  

I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder 7 years ago, 5 of which I took Effexor. After a few years on it, I felt it didn’t really do much more than dull my emotions.  I was still depressed. So I weaned off. Three times.  I won’t go into the nightmare that was Effexor withdrawal... perhaps a story for another post!

I’ve been anti-depressant-free for nearly two years now. But I self-medicate with alcohol, Benadryl and junk food (formerly weed too, but I can’t use it anymore without getting anxious). The use tends to happen in spurts. I’m well aware of what I’m doing to myself! I feel horrible about it all, which contributes to the downward spiral. 

Anyhoo! I’m not writing this to elicit sympathy or be a sob story.  I’m doing this because the world needs to know that I’m not perfect, and that I’m trying, and that we’re all trying. I’m learning to be kinder to myself, as if I were my own nutrition client. I also want to be accountable to you, my audience.  I’m likely not the only nutritionist who binge drinks and goes to McDonald’s too often. But through my searches I haven’t found one who’s gone public on the interwebs about it.  If you are out there, my brethren, join me in freeing your conscience!

Time to wrap this up (like the spicy chicken wrap I had at KFC...) *nervous laughter*

-M