#internal relationships

For anyone that has positive internal relationships (of any kind; doesn't have to just be romantic) - how do you do it?

My alter and I keep trying to make a romantic relationship between us work, because we have feelings for each other. But we don't have the luxury of having "inside thoughts" and privacy that people in external relationships have.

Honestly, this is probably why all of us struggle to talk to each other and maintain any kind of internal friendship. The OCD especially makes all of us suspicious of each other and of ourselves, so we end up avoiding each other to try and prevent accidentally upsetting one another.

How in the world do other people navigate this? With our external partner, I can have automatic thoughts that are upset or angry or unfair that I would never voice out loud, and can have the space to process all of that before deciding what to share and how to do so. How tf do you have a positive relationship with someone when both of you can hear all of that? 😭

Yes, it is possible for alters to have internal relationships. 

Also yes, too it could be a ritual they are talking about. There are rituals where an alter is 'married'.

Thanks for the ask. You did great.

Working towards stepping into a new role can be uncomfortable and difficult. Navigating things can be confusing and being helpful can sometimes feel like one is fumbling along.

Keep doing your best, while the results may not be what you want, doing your best is always appreciated.

Ask others what they need help with, "How can I help?"  "Can you tell me how I can help?"  "What needs to be done and can you give me directions on how to do it? I'm learning." 

Part of learning is making mistakes. It's alright to make mistakes, we all make them, they are apart of growth. Those around you who see your effort and understand you are doing our best will support you.

This will be quite a vulnerable post

As people with DID or OSDD, asking if our experiences, actions and behaviors related to having DID are “natural” or “unnatural” isn’t really helpful. Having DID or OSDD itself isn’t really a natural state of being. It’s disordered, and so a lot of the behaviors and experiences that go along with having DID are also disordered behaviors. 

So I think better questions to ask here would be “Is having relationships between alters a common experience in DID? Is this a normal part of DID?” OR “Is having relationships between alters healthy? Is this something I should be worried about if I’m experiencing it in my system?” 

My understanding is that romantic internal relationships between parts is relatively common in DID and OSDD. When we think about dissociation as a coping mechanism and the way that internal relationships could provide various forms of comfort and coping, this makes a lot of sense. Internal relationships make sense as a part of DID & OSDD. 

There are healthy and beneficial things that can come from internal relationships. Self-love and acceptance, including love from one part of self to another, is healthy. Being able to provide yourself with love, acceptance, comfort, and reassurance is healthy. 

Internal relationships can become problematic and unhealthy. You need connections to the outside world to thrive and grow. Dissociated parts are not whole separate people and relationships between parts do not provide the same kinds of emotional fulfillment, challenges, and growth that relationships with external people can. 

(2) or confusing things, like maybe i'm just feeling calm and attributing that to smthg else because parts have been a thing in therapy. i barely have any communication with any parts atm and only have the vaguest sense of a few. i'm kinda embarrassed to bring it up in therapy tbh.

It’s definitely possible and it’s not even uncommon. Please don’t feel uncomfortable or embarrassed about bringing it up. If your therapist is familiar with trauma and dissociation, they are probably aware of the existence of relationships within systems. 

Relationships between parts often serve a purpose such as helping us cope with difficulties with external relationships, fear of abandonment, or feelings of loneliness. Internal relationships can be stepping stones to healthy relationships, ways to practice healthy communication skills, or a way to mentally repair old wounds. 

Some people with DID, OSDD, and CPTSD intentionally form parent-like relationships with their younger parts and attempt to re-parent them as a way to help them heal from past traumas. This is an example of how an internal relationship can be a healthy and healing experience. 

Internal relationships can also be unhealthy. Some people become so involved in their internal relationships and their internal world that they sacrifice their external relationships and their real life. Over-involvement with internal relationships to the point of preferring them over external socialization is usually unhealthy considered unhealthy. So that is something to be mindful of when we’re talking about parts having crushes or romantic feelings for one another. 

All that said, I don’t think it’s conceited to feel like there is a part of you that likes you and wants to watch over you and care for you. That sounds like a pretty positive feeling. 

I know that the feelings I get from Hannah are intensely loving in a non-romantic way. I’ve never thought about it as being conceited or narcissistic. If I think about it from a lens of separateness, Hannah loves us like family. If I think about it from a lens of togetherness, as in we are all parts of a whole, Hannah’s love is like the most pure positive self-esteem, positive self-regard, and positivity that you could experience. Hannah telling all of us how much she loves us is very much like anyone else looking in the mirror and saying positive daily affirmations.