#incorrect dispatch quotes

Prism: what’s wrong?

You: got dumped by the person I was seeing, claimed I wasn’t hot enough.

Punch up: do you want me to punch them in the balls?

Prism: what is it with you and balls?

Punch up: …

Prism: and don’t say it’s because you’re the perfect height to do so easily. It’s becoming a kink of yours to punch people in the balls.

Punch up: then I won’t say anything at all if that’s how you’re going to act.

You: can we get back to be being dumped for not being hot?

Sonar: who says you’re not hot?

Prism: their ex.

Sonar: fucker is an idiot.

Malevola: a real fucking idiot to not recognise a hottie when they see one.

Robert: what’s happening?

Everyone: (name)’s ex fumbled a hottie like them.

Prism: get with the program.

Flambae: yeah you little bitch. *throws an arm over your shoulder* so…you’re single.

You: where did you come from?

Punch up: CAN I PLEASE PUNCH THEM IN THE BALLS?!

Beef: *waddles over to you and looks at you expectantly*

Sonar: Saying you have a date with our dispatcher is kind of SUS, bro.

Flambae: What do you mean ‘sus’? What are you on about?

Sonar: Our dispatcher is a GUY that makes it sound like you’re GAY for him, which is SUS.

Flambae: I am gay. He is gay. We are gay.

Sonar: Woah, calling yourself gay? That’s gunna make people think you’re gay, dude. SUS A F.

Flambae: What the FUCK are you on about? I am openly gay, dude. People know I’m gay. I am gay for men.

Sonar: You’re “gay” for “men”? That’s pretty SUS bro. People are going to get the wrong impression.

Flambae (flaming up): THEY WILL BE GETTING THE CORRECT IMPRESSION, WHICH IS THE IMPRESSION IM ADVERTISING. I AM LITERALLY A FLAMING HOMOSEXUAL.

Sonar: SUS POLICE! My homie is being SUS on main! Put him in the SUS-cuffs and take him to Maximum SUS-curity Pri-SUS-n!

(Distinct app notification goes off from Sonar’s phone.)

Sonar: Well if you’ll excuse me, I’m bout to have gay sex with this fellow crypto-bromo from Fangr. Gotta put the MLM in MLM if you know what I mean. If you’ll excuse me.

(Sonar leaves.)

Robert, absolutely worn out, petting Beef for emotional support (he had to deescalate 3 calls and he’s going through sarcasm withdrawal) : Hi, hon.

Flambae: I was talking to Beef?

Visi: yep, no shit. Robert was bragging about how good he is at blowing dicks.

Flambae: you're joking

Flambae: yes sir

*I'm Mecha Man route*

Robert: *cotton stopping a nosebleed*

Mandy: ...

Mandy: okay, i need to ask. What's with your nose? This is literally the second time i've seen you bleeding like this.

Invisigal: just the second time? He's totally a bleeder.

Robert: oh, nothing. It's just that time of the month...

Invisigal: ... what does that mean? Your nose's on its period?

Robert: no, what i mean is that it's been that time of the month when Flambae punches me in the face as a relief for his hatred towards me since I, you know, chopped off his fingers and all that.

Mandy: wait, was he serious about that?

Robert: apparently yes...

Invisigal: hang on, when did that happen?

Robert: housewarming party. Right after you left. There were twice the punches that i expected to see that night.

Invisigal: if you already know he's gonna smack you, why don't you just cover yourself or something?

Robert: turns out, he's smarter than he looks. He picks a different day, time and place every month so i can't tell when is he gonna do it.

Robert: that and i'm still hoping he will stop hating me so much eventually.

Mandy: that's... awfully optimistic.

Robert, to the squad: "That is so wrong."