#im venting

mine has never gone away. my entire life has been attempts at trying to mask the feeling. because there is no making it go away. even during intense experiences, i know its there. but i will do anything to put it in the background even if it is for a short while. its even worse when you are bored of every single hobby. which means the only way to actually feel in control of it is by engaging in risky behaviours. hurting yourself. hurting others. putting your life in danger. engaging in illegal activities. whatever it may be. even that brief period of adrenaline is worth it to me. i dont like living like this.

Works best in the dark.

I AM VENTING IGNORE ME

But that edit (as a newbie) took me 6 hours, 6 hours of my time. It just kind of makes me sick.

taking pictures and looking at the pictures and remembering the sound of the shutter. looking at places ive been and i dont remember being there. thousands of pictures and im only still there in hundreds? i share them online with new people and friends and some of the people who helped me take them. the pictures are stronger than my memories of the real events. i can feel the weight of the camera in my hands and the bag on my shoulder. ive spent a lot of time pulling focus and practicing estimating my exposures faster without metering. i look at the files on my desktop and they look as i wanted but i no longer remember how real they are or arent. i dont even know who took some of these now. i remember seeing my eye in the reflection of my viewfinder before the sensor detected my proximity. mirrorless cameras dont have optical passthrough, ive been looking at screens. reproductions of reproductions. the photos get printed. reproductions of reproductions of reproductions. i learn to print. my friends like my pictures. no one asks about them. i take increasingly risky photographs. i find places further and further from the beaten path. i find compositions in abandoned buildings and through open windows. i look at photos i cannot share online because they have names in them. my acquaintances like my pictures. im not in any of them. my friends help me scout locations. we find risks and rewards. we waste time. i swap lenses and take a picture of the subject from another angle. thousands of them. ive seen every one at least twice.

I guess I’ll just explode!