#hellblazer headcanons

- There is so much enchantment. You two are both between warding the apartment separately, blessing certain areas, you're both surprised the apartment hasn't exploded with all the protection wards put up, or at least punched one demon off the plane of existence, and of it has you two know you'd never see it again. Especially when you pitch a spell idea to him randomly, whatever insane shit you wanna try, you can expect him to be right there alongside you, fueling the flames.

- Or being a chaperone to the chaos, as he loves seeing you work and how unique it is compared to his. Kinda rekindles that familiar love for magic he used to have.

- Guaranteed you two one upping the other with sigils when it comes to the other, between John 'absentmindedly' tracing a sigil onto you're back in the early hours of the morning before he has to leave for some dangerous magical situation, to you slipping a paper sigil into his coat pocket as you're kissing him for 'good luck' on whatever hell he has to deal with that day.

- The apartment smells of incense and cigarettes; it somehow makes the cigarettes more bearable. He's most inclined to floral or warm scents like like rose or cinnamon, he turns his nose up at Frankincense.

"Smelled enough of that shit in churches luv, no need to bring it into our demonic apartment unless we get ourselves another imp problem."

- Depending on what type of magic you dabble in, including closed practice like Voodoo, Santeria, Hoodoo, Taíno spirituality, or Indigenous spiritual practice, he is really amazed and respectful, letting you do your thing and even asking a few questions if you feel comfortable. This is really the only time his nitpicking isn't allowed since you understand your practice.

- John is always cautious when it comes to your magic, but it's pot calling kettle black since this man picked demonology of all things to invest in, so as long as you use protection spells and make sure you're soul is safely locked in your body while practicing, he'll have one less thing to worry about. He may fuck around with his soul, but he'll be damned twice to hell if happens to yours. Even blood magic is fine just as long as you're not hurting yourself or doing it excessively. (once again being a hypocrite)

- He becomes mildly terrified of you if you work with gods or help him angels/devils, obviously, you have curated your own way of working with them that doesn't involve the ungodly amount of lying and scheming John does, but he's just waiting like a ticking time bomb for something to go south. It never does, since you've worked with them before you met John; this only seems to stress him out more.

- It is funny if you call out what magic he used and him just brushing off labels, but the one you can't let go of is the fact that John most likely did siren magic or that magic adjacent when running Mucous Membrane, he refuses to admit it.

"I didn't do no mermaid rubbish magic! My voice was winning us all the cash."

"And you cast a spell literally to mesmerize crowds into getting more of said cash, you're not beating the allegations no matter how hard you try to explain it...little mermaid."

"Oi cut that shit out."

- Mentioned before in another post, John is very superstitious of tarot of all things, somewhat of a skeptic, but also nervous when watching you do you're reading on the table, you've even seen him straight up leave if you pull an unsavory card, which you could use against him in an argument if you felt like it. He'd reel back like a cat reacting to a cucumber.

- Book sharing would honestly just evolve into a messed up occult book club of finding and studying the most eldritch horror contained spellbooks on the market to add to your growing collection. Sometimes date nights are up, just pulling up heists on demons or tricking others just to run away cackling with a new book to study together.

- John would feel that same kinda giddiness he had when he cast magic in his Mucous Membrane days before Newcastle, only it's a deeper feeling with someone equally as passionate starts that familiar fire in his chest that makes him wanna kiss you til his lungs give out.

- He struggles accepting the fact you're gonna stay in his life, since most of his friends those aquatinted end up dead or worse, he doesn't wanna admit how cliche it feels that you'd probably be safer without him. Admitting it drunkenly to you one night and bringing himself to tears in the process of naming everyone he's ever done wrong, including Astra.

- You assure him you'd find some way to weasel yourself out of trouble. You weren't a magic user for nothing, and in knowing him, you've learned more than enough from each other, especially on protection. It would take a lot to get you to leave, especially if you've been with him for years now.

- If you offer a binding spell, John shoots it down immediately. As much as he enjoys the idea of being bound and married magic-wise, he loves you too much to tie you to a miserable man like him. Though he does adore how much you trust him, he's unsure if he can trust himself.

- But he loves you truly with all his wretched messed up soul.

(+ points if you get along with Chas of course)

1) Noah is Nigerian British

This one is less a headcanon and more implied by cultural knowledge, which is why it’s at the top of the list, but if you’re an American reader you might not have made this connection. 

While we aren’t explicitly told that Noah’s family is Nigerian, according to Forebears.IO, the last name Ikumelo is not very common with less than 100 instances globally as of 2014. It is most prominent in Nigeria, followed by England, followed by the United States. We can even determine that it is most commonly found in Lagos, Nigeria.

On top of that, the area of Peckham Rye (where the 2019 run properly starts and where Noah is based out of) is heavily populated by Nigerian immigrants. According to Blackheath + Greenwhich Magazine 'London has the UK’s largest concentration of Nigerians (nearly 115,000 in the 2011 census), with the neighbourhood of Peckham having the largest overseas Nigerian community, making up around 7% of the population of the area.'

This is a nifty one that can do a lot to inform on Noah's family and the culture he'd have grown up in. This sent me down a few rabbit holes!

2) Noah is Completely Unable to Make Noise from His Mouth

There are two instances where Noah makes noise in the comics and both of those instances are noises that are nasal.

He snorts laughter, he doesn't yell, you don't get any kind of heavy breathing sound effects from him in the comic. Even if the curse took his voice, he should still be able to whistle or click his tongue or any number of things that don't require your actual vocal cords, and yet he never does in all of Hellblazer 2019 and Dead in America.

Meaning that Noah physically cannot make noise from his mouth.

No whistling, no coughing, no heavy breathing. This is fascinating and I would love to see this come up in fics. Imagine doubling over screaming and making no noise at all, feeling your throat hurt as you sing along with music but hearing nothing, not even hearing your own breathing. Though not being heard if you're breathing heavy could be a boon in a dangerous situation. Hiding in the shadows and breathing through your mouth so that no one will be able to hear you...

3) Noah has No Fashion Sense

Look at this kid. Look at what he’s wearing. You can excuse the generic ‘gang’ clothes as his Ri-Boys ‘uniform’ early on in the comic run, but this excuse doesn’t last when he’s out of the gang.

But look at that shirt in Quiet. He looks like the Saved by the Bell opening. Look at how boring and generic his outfits are (not to mention that they took his fucking hair!). If he wasn’t the only Black character in Dead in America, we wouldn’t know who he is. Where’s his signature look? Where’s his flair? Give him something a little iconic. Give him a piercing. Give him his hair back!

Of course, if we accept that Noah has no fashion sense, or just bad fashion sense, then this becomes a fun gag we can return to. Put him in ridiculous pants unironically. Give him howling wolf t-shirts because he likes them. Make him a fucking peacock, let him showboat around as an eyesore. He might even enjoy dressing obnoxiously. Remember, John is an old man now, let the younger generation horrify with their fashion choices.

Give him a homemade Mucous Membrane tank top and watch John die inside.

4) Noah is Asexual

This is less of a ‘canon supports’ headcanon and more of a ‘wouldn’t this be an interesting area to explore in a solo run’ headcanon.

We do see that Noah expresses interest in both the Ghost in Quiet and Nat in Dead in America #2, he is aware enough of men to point out that Tommy Willowtree is attractive, and he does end up having sex with his mind controlled girlfriend in Dead in America #10 (in a parallel to his own conception). And sure, all of these things could discount Noah being Ace at a very basic reading of his character, I'd like to dig a little.

If you look at the characters presented in the 2019 run, we are initially led to believe that Noah is a stand in for Chas, that Nat is his new love interest, and that Tommy is a better version of John. By the ending, that interpretation is flipped on its head. Tommy is Gary Lester, the friend who fucked around with magic and died finding out, Nat is a closer parallel to Chas as the non-magical friend who follows John around and cleans his messes up with her fists.

And Noah...Noah is John. 

Born with a magical legacy, single parent household, one parent 'dies' horrifically, drawn in by dark forces he cannot understand or control, demons are drawn to his very blood.

If Noah exists as a parallel for John, I think it would be an interesting juxtaposition for Noah to navigate masculinity (See the next headcanon) and sexuality in a similar, but different way.

Bisexuality (as we saw in Dead in America, thanks Spurrier) is still stigmatized, and the level of stigma around Asexuality and Aromanticism is similar. While Aromanticism seems the more logical option, given that Noah does express sexual interest, I like the idea of a young man trying to conform to societal expectations while exploring what his actual interests and desires are. He grew up in modern society, he knows that he is expected to be attracted to people, that as a man he's supposed to value and desire sex.

And there's this funny little thing that happens to a lot of Ace people where they assume that they're Bi because they experience equal attraction to women and men, aka none, and wouldn't it be a hilarious discovery for Noah to realize that...oh, he's not Bi. Being Bi means you've got to actually want that.

5) Noah is Trans

This is one of my favorite headcanons for Noah and while I could make a thousand different justifications about wanting to explore the role of masculinity as early Hellblazer touched on in the context of London's Black community, or how sex, gender, and sexuality are nuanced topics that have been touched in the past in Hellblazer but could use a deft hand in modern stories, but the biggest reason is because I like the idea of Noah being Trans. 

I like Trans characters. I think that there's a lot of joy to be found in someone finding their community, and there is enough queer content in the 2019 run with Tommy Willowtree and his polycule that we could explore a story about a Trans teen trying to come to terms with the world falling apart around him.

But also, I don't feel like this one needs justification. Noah is Trans. His tank tops are binders. You're welcome.

6) Noah’s Birthday is October 1st/March 18th/December 9th

Much in the same vein of me realizing Noah is most likely intentionally Nigerian British, I went down a rabbit hole of determining Noah's age in my Mostly Comprehensive Guide to Noah Ikumelo, I'll give a quick rundown of the math, but it's not super important in this case.

The Sandman Universe Presents: Hellblazer Special #1 tells us that Hellblazer 2019 starts in 2019 (duh). We are told Noah's mother has been in a coma for 7 years. We are also told that the demon who attacked her slept for 10 years and that Noah was conceived the night it was locked away. Meaning that Noah is most likely 16 years old depending on specific dates, and was most likely born in 2003. Obviously there's some wiggle room here, but for ease of math without specifics, this is what we've got.

So, why these dates?

October 1st 

October 1st is the date of Nigerian independence from British rule in 1960. This feels like a good way to solidify his roots to his Nigerian heritage, we don't really get to see Noah interact with any of his family outside of John, and it would be nice to reinforce that connection. Noah is British, but he's Black, the comics tell us multiple times that he's other, and I would like to emphasize that it is not a bad thing (the reading of Hellblazer 2019 and Dead in America have a very...interesting vibe on immigrants and racism if you read both of them back to back).

March 18th

March 18th was chosen because according to UCL Home's article Official recognition of British Sign Language 1987-2003  'in 2003, the British Government made a formal statement that it recognized that BSL is a language in its own right (quoting an estimated 70,000 people whose preferred language it is).'

Noah is one of the few characters in the DCU that speaks sign language as his primary language. He is even rarer in that he speaks British Sign Language. Given that the timeline works out that he could have been born in 2003, this seems like a fun little easter egg of a date.

December 9th

This one is a little less obvious, which means I would never use it in a comic, but it might be fun in a fic. If we used March 18th as the day that Rawhead-and-Bloody-Bones was captured, it would be the date of Noah's conception, rather than his birth. According to a gestation calendar I pulled up on google, that would place his birthday on December 9th.

Which means that Noah could have started the story as a 15-year-old (since there are several places that imply Hellblazer 2019 started in the fall and The Sandman Universe Presents: Hellblazer Special #1 ), meaning that not only did John miss his son’s birth and milestone birthdays, he likely would not have known about or acknowledged the very first birthday Noah had after the two of them met.

That idea makes me sad, so naturally, it's my favorite.

7) Noah was Damned from Conception

Since we're already talking about conception and birth, let's talk about one of my favorite darker headcanons! Who doesn't like a little futility in their stories? A little helplessness? The idea that the choices you make have long reaching consequences far beyond what you'd imagined? Yes?

So, John Constantine met a young woman named Liza Ikumelo sometime between 2002 and 2004 and had sex with her on a grave after he bound up the demon that had been tormenting her for years. He...didn't do a very good job of it. Rawhead-and-Bloody-Bones is perfectly aware of this event, because he's the one who tells John about it in the first place.

There's something here, something about corruption, desecration, and John's lack of caring in favor of sexual pleasures that opens the door for one last 'fuck you' before Rawhead-and-Bloody-Bonestakes a ten year nap.

By fucking on top of his prison, Rawhead-and-Bloody-Bones is able to leave a bit of his demonic presence inside Liza to attach itself to her unborn son. Not only is Noah cursed by the Constantine bloodline, by John's own rotten luck, but he's also damned because John couldn't be bothered to learn the words well enough to seal the demon up properly.

Not only is he responsible for Liza's eventual coma, but Noah was damned to hell long before he raised a hand to Tommy Willowtree.

Dead in America briefly touches on trying to save Noah from Hell, and I think that this is a fun little extra torture for John to find out.

Yes, John, you did damn this child to Hell, but you damned him long before you made him a killer. He was damned the moment he was conceived, the moment you took advantage of an emotionally vulnerable woman's relief at no longer being terrorized and laid her out on a grave where you’d trapped an angry demon. Rawhead-and-Bloody-Bones was not asleep, and it's your fault that your child has spent nearly a decade suffering pain and loneliness in silence.

Rawhead-and-Bloody-Bones might have been what tainted Noah, but John’s choice to not consider the safety of his mother destroyed both of them. He never saved Liza, he just moved her curse around a bit and added another pure soul to feed to the demon. He literally damned a child before he even knew the child existed.

How do you save a child who was corrupted before they had a brain or a heartbeat? Damned before he could move or think? 

8) Noah Likes Freerunning

Freerunning might seem like an odd choice of hobby, given the whole ‘average’ vibe that Hellblazer characters give off, but I feel like if canon isn't going to give this kid hobbies and quirks, then they should expect us to make some up for the fun of it.

From a writing perspective, I was drawn to the year 2003 again, which is the year the documentary Jump London was made. It features one of the most well known Freerunners in the world, Sébastien Foucan. 'He defines Freerunning as a discipline for self-development, following one's own way'. I will admit that I fell in love with Jump London and the idea of Noah having Black men to look up to. Sébastien seemed like a fun and interesting person to take inspiration from.

From an in universe perspective, Noah is a teenager who's spent seven years of his life without a personal safety net. Noah fell in with K-Mag at some point as a car jacker and most likely a driver, but we can expand his activities out easily enough to lookout without stretching the imagination too far. Noah can't call out that someone is coming, but if he could climb a building quickly, he could call if something goes bad. Freerunning is about flips and fun and freedom, but it’s also about getting into places you’re not supposed to, which is a useful skill for someone working for K-Mag and eventually could be very useful in working with John.

There is also the tiniest hope in my heart that Noah could some day be pulled into the greater DCU (extremely unlikely, but a person can dream), and if he was, he'd likely be considered a little more worth keeping alive if he was able to do heavy activity, flips, and climbing.

9) Noah is Autistic

Much like my headcanon that Noah is Trans, there is no real canon evidence for this one, because he's got so little panel time that explores him as a person, we can't even begin to make guesses. My primary justification for this one is that some people who are autistic have disabilities regarding and struggle with speech, including being nonverbal. While Noah’s lack of speech is caused by a demon’s attack, if he were known to be autistic, it would be a real-world explanation for why no one questions Noah’s particular flavor of mutism.There is also a correlation between being Trans or Nonbinary and being autistic, though there are a lot of real world factors involved in that, so it's less of a justification and more of a 'this is a thing that happens'.

Mostly, this headcanon exists because I’m autistic, and I want to share the love. The word ‘wow’ in BSL looks exactly like how I stim, so it’s fate.

10) Noah Doesn’t Like Tea

While tea is a traditional British drink, and it’s expressed in Quiet that Liza was a tea drinker, Noah isn’t.

Thanks to the magical powers of autism (see above headcanon), he doesn’t like the taste of water and he’s not a fan of anything that tastes like hot leaf juice either. On an emotional level, the idea of drinking tea when his mother will likely never have tea again makes even the best brew taste sour in his mouth.

He is, however, a fan of lemonade (carbonated citrus drinks for the American readers). At any opportunity, he can be found enjoying a sugary, carbonated beverage instead of drinking warm, flavored water.

11) Noah Learned Shooting from his Mother

We only see Noah use a gun once, when he shoots the homeless man, Derek, between the eyes in Peckham Rye Park from a significant distance with a handgun. The bullet does nothing thanks to magic, but the actual shot itself is very impressive, as handguns have a margin of error that increases with distance.

While I don’t love that his mother was a cop, I do love the idea of a much younger Liza Ikumelo explaining gun safety to her child and sneaking him out to practice aiming and shooting, and giving Noah a memory to draw on later in life.

I feel like Noah should have impeccable gun safety because it’s one of the few things he has from his mother that lasted.

12) Noah was Nearly Davinder Dole’s Stepchild

It’s shown in A Green and Pleasant Land Part 2 that Dole cares about Noah and in Quiet we see that in times of stress, Dole is the adult Noah turns to. He is the last person from Noah’s mother’s precinct who cares about her and seems to go out of his way to try and connect with Noah, even if he’s bad at it.

That level of devotion could genuinely be the sign of a good man who just wants to take care of his friend’s son, but I think there’s something tragic in the idea that Dole considers Noah someone who could have been his child. That he’d have had Noah and Liza if not for the coma, maybe even some regret because if he’d moved sooner and married Liza, they would have been a family. 

And there’s the potential drama in a story where John is aware of his role in Noah's life while they're still in London, of Dole and John clashing as neither of them is truly a father, but both men resent the other stepping on their toes. We know from much experience that John has feelings about his children and Dole literally threatened to cut John’s dick off.

If that’s not a recipe for drama and a fun potential storyline to follow, I don’t know what is.

13) Noah is a Big Ol’ Nerd

Dead in America does not give us much in the way of characterization for Noah, but it does give us two points of reference we can build off of. We see in Dead in America Issue _ that Noah references Star Wars by saying the iconic ‘these aren’t the droids you’re looking for’ line. We also see in Dead in America Issue _ that he recognizes an American comic book series's antihero protagonist. 

You could easily make the argument that the line ‘these aren’t the droids you’re looking for’ is second in popular consciousness only to ‘Luke, I am your father’, and the comic was written by a metamancer, which gives him the ability to rewrite reality.

Neither of these things are particularly damning evidence in favor of Noah being a nerd, but come on, don't tell me that there isn't something so charming about a Black man's smile as he tells you all about his nerd stuff? You cannot tell me that Noah getting so excited to finally be able to tell someone in his own words about how much he likes Sci-Fi or comics wouldn't just be the most wholesome thing ever.

There's also the element of Spiderman: Into the Spiderverse having come out in 2018. A mixed, Black teen is presented with a death and takes on a noble duty while having absolutely no idea of how to do so with only a tough, gorgeous girl and a kind of messed up and lackluster mentor. You cannot tell me that Noah during the events of Hellblazer 2019 wouldn't want to imagine a universe where he gets to be a hero with great powers to go along with the great responsibility he seems to always have on his shoulders.

14) Noah Doesn’t Have a Taste for Violence

Hellblazer Dead in America loves to crank up the racism, which is why we have those lovingly depicted panels of Noah beating the shit out of a racist, rapist, football player in a mens room. What the comic forgets as John moralizes about wanting to make his son a better person than he is, is that the other teen fully intended to kill Noah and put him up on Youtube or make him eat human feces out of a toilet at knife-point. This was after hours of being humiliated, dehumanized, and tormented by strangers while John personally made Noah small and left him at their mercy.

When Noah had the opportunity to use the power of Dream’s sand to hurt people (something we are shown he could have very much done) he chose instead to force people to understand and listen for a single hour. This is treated by the narrative as John's victory in 'fixing' Noah, not the last time the comic will attempt to do so.

Throughout most of his appearances in Hellblazer 2019, Noah is a relatively passive presence. He is the getaway driver, the taxi, the tagalong, and even when he’s sent off on his own Bloodrun by K-Mag at the threat of his grandmother being murdered, he still hesitated to enter enemy territory and do harm. 

The only violence we see unprompted for Noah was the attempted murder of Derek, the man in control of the angels in the park, and considering he’d just lost Isa, he believed John had abandoned him, and he thought it was a solution to dozens of people being murdered, I don’t think it’s as unprompted as it seems.

While he does murder Tommy, it is very clear that he is devastated by the act, and if Dead in America had kept tonally to the run before it, I expect we'd have seen a bit of depth there. 

Yes, John does attempt to make Noah a murderer a second time in Dead in America. Yes, it is fucking stupid. No, I do not believe that Spurrier remembered anything about Noah as a character.

Because mostly, Noah is a gentle character. He's kind. This is a boy who saw a man being hurt and his first instinct was to reach out and help him, despite the angels. I don't think that Noah would pick fights the way John does, I don't see him going out and getting into trouble to get his aggression out. 

15) Noah WILL Cut a Bitch

This may seem antithetical to Noah not being drawn to violence, but this is where the blessed goddess Nuance comes into play.

Noah doesn’t like fighting. He doesn’t seek violence out. He isn't interested in getting into a dick measuring contest to prove who is the toughest in the land. 

That does not mean he won't fight, and in fact, he is absolutely willing to do what it takes to protect himself and the people around him. Noah will beat a ghost with a mop, Noah is the kind of guy who can bring his fists to a knife fight and win. He's clever enough to know how to get in, do what needs to be done, and fucking run. Unlike John, who is not and should not be a fighter, Noah has had to scrap his way through life up to this point.

If he's not willing to fight to protect himself, he will die. Unlike John, who gets to run away from his problems, Noah is firmly attached to his little patch of London. He's stuck in the Rye, meaning he's got to be able to survive.

Noah Ikumelo has no need to start a fight, but you’d better believe that he will end one.

16) Noah Wants to be a Physical Therapist

Anyone who has spent any time stuck in a hospital bed knows that it quickly becomes a painful and unpleasant experience. Being in a bed for an extended period of time causes muscle loss and bedsores on top of a myriad of other problems. It's awful.

As we are told in Quiet, Noah has spent a minimum of two nights a week at his mother's bedside for years. He's spent an awful amount of time in the hospital with her, and likely with other people since private rooms are not terribly common. 

Noah likely wouldn't have aspirations to go to deeply into the medical field, his disability would make a lot of positions difficult or entirely unattainable as things are, I do think there's a world where he dreams of being a physical therapist. The idea of going around and taking care of coma patients like his mother, who need a significant amount of care to be healthy, seems like it would appeal to him.

He may have even already started learning some basics from the PT on the hospital's payroll both to lighten the load and to guarantee she's getting the care that she needs. He does her stretches, he checks her skin, he’d do her hair if they would let him, but the hospital keeps it short for their convenience. 

17) Noah has Mild (if Odd) Healing Abilities

This one is again more vibes based and injecting real world knowledge into, because Liza Ikumelo should not be as healthy as she is. Seven years in a coma should be devastating on her body, according to the Mayo Clinic, 'Some people who recover from a coma end up with major or minor disabilities. During a coma, bedsores, urinary tract infections, blood clots in the legs and other problems may develop.' and while she does get transferred to the terminal ward between A Green and Pleasant Land Part 3 and Quiet, we are not told that she is suffering from an illness or that she seems to be having any problems at all.

In fact, nothing really changes for Noah between hospitals. He still goes and sits with her, he wanders the halls because he's bored, it feels more like Spurrier forgot which hospital she was in rather than anything medical having happened to her.

And she lives long enough to wake up in Dead in America #11.

But, that's not exactly convincing evidence on its own. This is comics, we don't kill coma patients until it's dramatic, so let's look at someone else. How about a dead person?

John.

John dies (spoilers) at the end of Hellblazer 2019 and becomes a walking corpse. It was Noah’s job to bring him back to life, but he failed due to having a minor breakdown on the floor while Nat resurrected John with a defibrillator. Not exactly the greatest evidence, but a defibrillator isn't exactly going to cure someone of a heroin overdose. 

And John has no idea how or why he's still alive.

So, what if it was Noah? What if Noah was able to keep his mother’s soulless corpse alive and healthy through his presence and care? What if Noah attached John’s soul to his rotting corpse and kept it moving because he couldn't bear another loss and the reason John didn't rot until the end of the run was because Noah was unintentionally keeping him fresh?

18) Noah is PRIMED for Magic

In Hellblazer #240 we are given this iconic line.

And it's true. Anyone in Hellblazer who wants to do magic can do magic, but people very rarely do a magic without some kind of intent or catalyst in these stories. Anyone who magic happens to unintentionally is in a magical place or holding a magical object or is the victim of something. You rarely, if ever, find the trope of 'uncontrollable magic coming from someone

But before he even meets John, Noah is drawn to him. We are told in This Sceptered Isle Part 2 that Noah was supposed to find a different magician way back in A Green and Pleasant Land Part 2, but tracked John down instead and has no idea why he did so. At no point does K-Mag or Isa question why they grabbed John, who is NOT a geriatric woman with a bodyguard and was not riding in the back of a fancy car. Noah doesn't even realize he grabbed the wrong person, and K-Mag doesn't seem like the type to let go of his orders being screwed up that badly. He would have told Noah he grabbed the wrong person and Noah likely would have been punished for it.

Unless he expected Noah to go on his gut.

We also see in Dead in America #9, without anyone teaching him, Noah manages a fairly complicated and powerful spell capable of keeping John out of a place AND forcing an entire language into another person’s head in Dead in America #10. Those are both intentional, and both very complicated things to do without a real basis in understanding what he's doing.

He’s dripping with magical potential and I want to see him doing more magic and getting himself into trouble. It's time for John to share the torch of 'utter menace to the fabric of reality'.

19) Noah is a Technopath

This one is a little odd, but think about this. How many cars these days can be hotwired the old-fashioned way?

Not many. These days you’ve got to have a special tool or the fob in order to steal a car. Noah has stolen several cars over the course of the 2019 run, and while they could all be old enough for a classic hot-wire maneuver, I do think it would be fun if Noah had the ability to make the cars work through sheer force of will and magic. He pulls the wires because he thinks that’s how this is supposed to go, he breaks windows because he doesn’t realize that he can just ask the car’s brains nicely.

20) Noah and Vestibulan are Friends

Noah is quiet and cannot speak without some form of communication device. Vestibulan is an angel trapped inside a communication device. Yes, Vestibulan hates all of humanity, but Noah has dealt with terrible people, maybe they can commiserate on how awful humanity is like two people who work in customer service commiserating over terrible customers.

Plus, you cannot tell me that the duo of 'crotchety old man' and 'miserable teenager' isn't a fun dynamic. We know it's fun because that's basically the dynamic that's most fun for John and Noah. Give Noah more cranky old people to manage. Make John the technology illiterate old man who needs help switching on the DVD player, Vestibulan is the technically dangerous old man who believes all the misinformation, because no one taught him how to parse through what's real and he doesn't care enough to look further.

21) Noah Can't Tell That Ghosts Are Dead

This is a little fun one for me. Noah interacts with ghosts/spirits twice in the comics, in Quiet he sees a ghost of a woman wandering the halls of his mother's hospital and attempts to hit on her and in Dead in America #5 he sees the ghost that John brings back to the bus that's lost and in need of help. Both times he reacts to the spirits as if they are normal people, without any seeming realization that there is anything supernatural happening until the spirits reveal themselves. No one else seems to see them aside from John.

Granted, John does not react to them in any extreme way, but John has also has decades of seeing ghosts, and is unlikely to be surprised.

I adore the idea of Noah having no idea that he's interacting with a ghost, it's not as if he can easily speak to them anyway, since the comics establish that spirits do not learn new languages after death and therefore cannot understand British Sign Language.

22) Noah Is A Disney Princess

We have very little information on any interests Noah has, but in The Favourite we see him leaning out of a car window to try and pet some cats on the street. This immediately gave me ‘he loves animals and animals love him’ vibes.

Therefore, Noah is a Disney Princess. Give this teenage boy a bunch of animal friends.

In Scrubbing Up Part 1, Tommy Willowtree tells John about how he banished a flock of ghost pigeons, but…well, if Noah can’t tell the difference between ghosts and the living, wouldn’t it be so sad if Tommy banished Noah’s flock of ghost pigeons?

Come on, see my vision. You know you want to see a teenage menace training a flock of undead pigeons. You know you want to see this kid surrounded by the unholy song of ghostly birdsong. Give him ravens from the Tower of London. Give him the mermaid babies. Give him the goopy unicorn. Let the power of love and teenage determination give him an unholy army of magical pets to unleash on unsuspecting London.

23) Noah and John Share a Soul

Once again, a little more work to get to this one than any of the others.

Noah is drawn to John. He finds John through what seems like insane happenstance. The demons in This Sceptred Isle Part 2 smell Noah's blood and assume that it's John. While yes, this is supposed to tell the audience that Noah is John’s son and that’s it, I have a more bizarre take.

Being related to someone does not allow you to track them by vibes without even knowing who they are, it doesn’t give you the ability to communicate with their spirit, but spiritual resonance might.

We see in The Sandman Universe Presents: Hellblazer Special #1, that the John in this universe is in Ravenscar and has been there for an ungodly amount of time. They've filled him so full of drugs that he should not be functional. John does mention that his other self has been chipmunking his pills for an unknown amount of time.

Where did this universe's John go? 

Our John, the John we're following, takes over his body, but there's never an indicator that he's got a tagalong. Another him floating around in his head.

So...what if the other John got punted into the nearest acceptable vessel? Much like spiritual hot potato, Noah is now carting around another John's soul, if only temporarily. This would make the whole deal with Alternate John messy, so it's more of an AU idea, but I thought it was a fun one.

24) Noah is a Musician

Given that John was physically based off of Sting and was a musician in his twenties, I thought it would be fun to parallel this with Noah.

So many genres of music that we have today created by or heavily influenced by Black artists; Gospel, Soul, R&B, Ska, Dubstep, Rap, Hip Hop, Funk, Jazz, Techno, the list goes on and on. If we carry on the legacy of music, Noah is a perfect avenue to explore genres of music that John didn't touch. Yes, John is the face of punk, but Noah is the face of a legacy of music.

There are fantastic artists from all over the world, and I like to think that Noah, as someone who struggles to be understood, isn't intimidated by music in languages he doesn't speak. His musical tastes are well rounded and global.

While I do not think that Noah has to be a musical savant, capable of playing any and every instrument he's ever touched, I do believe that he should be able to play more than one. There are plenty of people out there who can noodle on a guitar, pluck out an okay tune on a keyboard, and hit the drums with decent accuracy, and if given the chance, I do think Noah could be one of them.

How many children in the real world are denied the opportunity to learn things because of disability, racism, class inequality, and even gender? How many great musicians never get recognized for their talent and skill because they've got bills to pay and cannot afford to put themselves out there. Is it unrealistic to make Noah a cross genre musician who's capable of playing multiple instruments? Maybe, but this is also a comic book universe, and the kid deserves to have some skills that aren't there just to make John's life easier. 

Maybe he doesn't have mastery over them the way that dedicated study might give him, but I don't necessarily know that you need that to be a 16-year-old in a band. 

And yes, I do also have a headcanon for the band mates. The band is called The Unicorn Girls and it is made up of the four girls from The Favourite. You'd never know Noah was in the band if you didn't see a live show, because all of their social media is just the four girls being stunning and badass and making vague threats against the royal family. It's a little weird to see a guy on stage with them given their vibe, but the girls all make it clear that he's not just there to fill in for a missing bandmate, he's their songwriter, musical coordinator, and drummer/keyboardist/guitarist. 

25) Noah Cooks

John is known to burn toast, and his crimes against sushi and all who enjoy it are well known. That man cannot feed himself without some kind of takeaway or culinary crime. 

Noah, on the other hand, grew up until nine at his mother's side and his grandmother is in his life as far as we know. We also know that he's been in foster care. Less than stellar foster families are known for using their kids for labor, so Noah keeping up with cooking isn't a far fetched thought.

The only times John gets a decent home cooked meal is after Noah's breathed down his neck long enough to get the kitchen of his terrible apartment mostly clean. It's such a hassle, but it's worth it for food that doesn't come from a bag or a pub, and Noah doesn't bitch about cooking because John pretty much eats whatever is put in front of him.

26) Noah Dreams of Normalcy

Noah has little experience with a normal life. He never had a fatherly presence, his mother went into a coma when he was nine, he either lived with his grandmother (A Green and Pleasant Land Part 3) or in foster care (Dead in America #10). He’s been in the gang looking for safety, he was friends with Isa, who is implied to be able to understand sign but never explicitly shown.

As a mirror of John, I suspect that Noah craves normalcy. Something simple and settled where he doesn't have to fight so hard or be afraid all the time. 

With his history, Noah will never have normal. He knows it, and it hurts him.

27) Noah's Superhero Name is Augury

Fun fact for those not too deep into Hellblazer lore, there's an alternate universe where John is a traditional superhero. Well, kind of. Universe 13 is a complicated one, but it's kind of funny to see John running around in costume (John is in the red). I'm not going into that, because it's not important.

What is important is that if Noah put on a costume of his own, or even just decided to be smarter than 90% of magic users and not go 'pussy out' with his name in magical circles, he needs a superhero moniker, a herosona if you will.

I propose the name Augury. The DC Wikia tells me that there isn't any crossover, so if there IS a hero with that name, they're fairly minor. An augury was a Greco-Roman religious practice of observing the behavior of birds, to receive omens. Noah's an animal fan, as we've established above. While he could use the name Augur, which was what the people who performed Augury's were called, I just...like the sound better.

And you can play with the idea. He's not the interpretation of the omen, he is the omen. 

He doesn't have to be bird themed. Though, once again the angry burning ravens from the Tower of London would make excellent pets if they were tamed. The sheer amount of insults they could sling. The people they could burn. If a flock of murder ravens flying toward you isn't an omen, I don't know what is.

28) Noah Doesn’t Get Along With People His Own Age

Noah struggles with power dynamics. Being Black, poor, disabled, and in foster care, means that Noah would be relatively low on the social hierarchy in relation to a lot of his peers. We all know that kids can be absolutely brutal, and while adults can also be horrible, there's an element of separation that comes from social isolation at a young age.

This can easily go in two directions when dealing with peers, appeasement or aggression. This is hilarious in combination with any story-line where Noah makes friends, because the struggle to make himself get along with people is real. 

Appeasement Noah is just...pod person. He's smiley and friendly and doesn't have a single opinion of his own. He is helpful and kind and always nods and goes along. These people are always shocked when he starts to get comfortable enough to be his own person, and in many cases will drop him because 'he's not who they thought he was'.

Aggression Noah has a terrible attitude. He cannot be hurt by anyone if they cannot get close to him in the first place. He is silent, glaring, turns his back. Trying to force a friendship will only ensure that he doesn't trust them, because if they can't respect the clear boundary of 'fuck off and leave me alone' they cannot be trusted to deal with the more complicated and nuanced parts of his life.

The only way for a person his age to actually win a friendship with him is through osmosis or through pity. If they spend enough time around him not pissing him off, they might get the opportunity to see that he's kind of a sweetheart and show him that they're not terrible. Becoming Noah's friend is sort of like winning over a cat, being there and unobtrusive is the easiest option. 

29) Noah Isn't Real

This is a John centric headcanon for Noah, but it’s one of my favorites and one I developed immediately as I was reading the run. I’d like to take you through my thought process.

To set the scene, there's an apocalypse, everyone is dying. John is dying. He's confronted by an older version of himself who wants to make a deal. Heal John, send him somewhere far away from the apocalypse, and when John is ready, he'll give the other version of himself his soul. Tidy. John agrees, because the other option is death. John is being sent somewhere new, somewhere that he’s weaker, somewhere he’s alone, but as his other self very explicitly states, John is still needed.

Except, he’s not really needed for a lot of what’s happening. Who needs him? Tommy COULD figure out the birds if he was willing to push through a single failure without giving up, the mermaid herself is a tulpa, there's not really anyone who needs John specifically, so much as they need someone.

But…Noah needs John, doesn’t he? How many times did Noah nearly die within days of meeting John? No less than three in the first three days.

How did Other John pick this place? How did he arrange this chance meeting when Noah is the one who found John? How did he know that Noah is John’s son and set Noah and Isa on John?

The easiest answer? He didn’t.

He MADE Noah.

Noah himself, much like the mermaid, the unicorn, and even Other John himself, is a tulpa. A child made wholecloth specifically for John, someone who would need John.

He’s disabled and he’s Black, meaning he’s disadvantaged in society. he’s got no real living family, his best friend was murdered the night they met, he’s fairly unloved, the only people alive who seem to care about him are a drug dealer and a cop (people John would have no interest in getting close to and seeing how well they actually know the boy).

As we see from the mermaid, she has no idea that she didn't always exist, she just feels like she didn't have a purpose until she fell in love (was created to serve). Noah's existence is a pitiful one, and as K-Mag so eloquently puts it, 'The Dead Boy's Hand, it tastes your pity'. John has a long standing history of caring about kids, about wanting to save and protect them, and if John wanted to create a chain for himself...well, a child seems like an obvious decision.

30) Noah Does Not Want His Mother to Wake Up

This one might be controversial, but I stand by it. I want to be clear that I am speaking about this from the perspective of this being about Noah, not about Liza. I have a lot of feelings on Liza Ikumelo, how she’s treated in the narrative, and how she should be handled, but in this case, I am ONLY talking about how a 16-17 year old might feel about the situation.

Bringing Liza back to life was crueler than keeping her dead from the centered perspective of Noah. He's lost years of his life sitting at her bedside, years of love and care. How much anger and resentment has built up in him, that his mother is right there and she isn't there to hold him or teach him how to do his hair or just talk to him. He's so different now, he's not the same as he was, she saw him last when he was nine. That’s so many years lost.

Add to that, she was a cop. How would it feel to know that her child was in a gang? That he’d killed someone, and tried to kill other people? That he’d hurt people?

She didn’t know him, not really. She had ideas about who he was, but those thoughts and hopes and dreams, they’re so different from who he is. Would she like him? Sure, she would probably still love him, but you can love someone and hate them at the same time. You can love someone and never want to see them again. You can love the idea of your child and hate the reality of them.

His devotion to her is not hope. He sits at her bedside out of guilt. Because if he’d been a good child and stayed away, maybe the monster wouldn’t have hurt her. Maybe she could have fought it off if it weren’t for him.

And he can’t handle that he stole seven years of her life. It's better if she doesn't wake up. It hurts less if she won't ever wake up.

31) Bonus Headcanon! Noah Knew John Was His Dad The Night They Met

Surprise! Yeah, it occurred to me as I was numbering that I had an extra, but that's fine.

Exactly what it says on the tin. Liza Ikumelo was being harassed by a demon, she stumbled across a magical man. Maybe in rehab or the psych ward or on the street, maybe someone passed her his business card.

She gets his name. She tells her story. She doesn’t think he can help.

But he does.

He frees her from the demon that's been slowly destroying her life, they have passionate, celebratory sex over the prison of her enemy and tormentor. She makes sure that she remembers his name.

Oh, she never seeks him out. It was her fault for getting pregnant and she doesn’t think he’d care anyway. Didn’t seem the fatherly type, that one, and she's happy enough to keep the baby with her mum's help instead of a man she doesn't want to spend the rest of her life tied to.

But…well, she keeps his name. Maybe she keeps his business card, or maybe she just writes his name down in emergency contacts. Maybe he gave her his number in case of an emergency, a just in case that she keeps, but never dares to use.

And then he’s gone.

And then she’s gone.

Noah finds the scraps and pieces of his mother's younger life and puts them together. He’s got a name, a story, an idea.

His father’s name is John Constantine.

Nine year old, freshly disabled Noah builds up a fantasy in his head about how one day his father will come and rescue him from foster care, from the Rye, from people who treat him like he’s less than a person because he’s Black or because he’s disabled or because they can smell the poverty and despair on him. That John was like a knight or a superhero who would take him away from all the pain and fear and he’d be safe.

D.S. Dole puts that idea down quickly with a search in his police records. John isn’t a safe man. He isn’t a good man. He tells Noah that he is better off without John Constantine in his life.

But what nine-year-old doesn’t have the fantasy of being rescued? Of being swept away by someone who loves them exactly as they are? As he gets older the fantasy becomes less shiny, more realistic. John wouldn’t whisk him away to a castle, but maybe he’d be kind. He probably had his own family already, but maybe they’d have a spare room that Noah could sleep in. Somewhere he didn’t have to share with other boys, somewhere warm in the winter and cool in the summer, where he didn’t have to do anything bigger than chores and homework to keep it. Noah could be quiet. Noah could be good and stay out of the way of John’s real family until he was old enough to be on his own.

And then, on the worst night of his life since his mother and his voice were taken from him, he finds his father. Scrungly, out of sorts, but so, so clever. And he doesn’t hate Noah. He might not like him, but he CARES about Noah. Wants him to live. Wants him to go to school.

Wants Noah around, even if it’s just as his driver.

And…there’s never a moment where he feels like he can tell the man the truth. John’s a rolling stone, the moment something gets to be too much, he’ll disappear, and Noah doesn’t want him to disappear. He doesn’t want to be alone anymore. So, he says nothing. John’s nice to him sometimes, and even when he’s mean, he’s never meaner than Noah can handle.

Then John dies. Then he un-dies. Then they run off to America.

He’s out of school again, and John doesn’t care, but it’s fine. John’s more of an asshole than normal, but it’s fine.They don’t really talk anymore. That’s fine. Noah always knew that he’d piss the man off some day and be abandoned. He’s fine. They’re hot and miserable and Noah is so, so, so lonely because John just doesn’t talk to him anymore. 

It's fine. It doesn't have a choice but to be fine.

And then he finds out why John has been so terrible to him. That this was the plan. That John knew. John knew the night he died that he was Noah’s father and he never said anything.

Noah is not angry with John for being his father, he’s angry that John knew and decided to keep his mouth shut. That he realized Noah was his and instead of saying something or trying or even acting the same, he turned into a giant throbbing cock in an effort to turn Noah against him.

Like Noah was stupid, like he was disloyal.

Like he didn’t realize that Noah couldn’t turn on him.

Like Noah wouldn’t prefer to die than live in a world where he was responsible for killing his mother and his father.

- You weren't a believer of the odd or the strange...in the beginning. That question you know you shouldn't dig into unless you know the trouble it'll get you into.

-But something ate your neighbor. Or at least ate his insides and was now parading as them across from your apartment you used to greet everyday.

- You had to be smart about this, not tell a soul to avoid getting thrown in some psych ward for believing your neighbors a monster.

- You needed to get as much info as you could about mimics, shapeshifters or just any weird puppeteering type of monster.

- Some books were helpful but none were pointing to an exact creature you were handling...stalking it is!

- It was easy to follow the thing it was just getting hard to keep it in view, the streets seemed to become more and more unfamiliar, twisting and turning til you met a dead end. You would have thought this was a trick til you turned around to see John leaned up against the wall of the alley.

Little lost I take it? Is' whatcha get tryna follow somethin like that right into its clutches." He said lighting up a cigarette.

"What do you mean?" You asked looking at him with a hint of worry, thinking he was working with the creature.

- You had a knife on you, but weapons could only do so much against a supernatural being you didn't know.

"You were walking right into a Kelpie's open jaws, I was just playin the good Samaritan and sparing you being it's next meal." You didn't like his tone but it made sense, the weird wetness of your neighbors eyes and skin, the flat almost horse-like teeth.

"I thought Kelpie's were supposed to be pretty ponies who ate children who wandered off where they shouldn't?"

- He laughed at your question, seeing you'd essentially told on yourself for not being the smartest hunter, but he couldn't blame you. He could see you'd never hunted anything supernatural in your life.

"Ah, well with parents being more harsh n responsible, modern problems require the modern solution. Takes the form of whatever victim it can n uses it to draw others to it's drownin spot."

- You weren't really surprised when you asked if your neighbor was really gone, sure people died everyday, it was just anxiety inducing to think how many of those deaths had been unnatural or because of some creature as you followed him, pestering.

- He kept shooting down your offers to help as he weaved through the streets, trying to scout out the most secluded body of water in town.

- You were useful when you noted an old pond by a trail in the woods, and your knife would do some good putting the fucker down the old fadhioned way.

- By that point it was getting dark and you two had no choice but to work together, stumbling through the mud as you walked ahead since you'd been here before as a kid on one very unhappy trip with some family.

"So what's the plan?" You asked reaching the clearing, the pond a dark and ominous black.

"M'sorry....plan? I'm handlin this, you should be at home not stalkin your deceased neighbors."

"No I'm not going home! That kelpie is pretending to be my neighbor!"

- Beginning to bicker again, you panicked seeing your neighbors figure come into the clearing, taking a leap of faith you step out from the reeds, at least not without John trying to grab you and pull you back to safety.

- It didn't recognize you as a threat, smiling and asking how you were and what a wonderful night it was for a swim. How they loved the way water looked like a mirror in the night.

- Your hand clenched onto the weapon in your bag as you smile and nod, giving John time for...whatever he could do.

- Which would've been nice if the fucking magician hadn't slipped in the mud and faceplanted into a tree, he'd think with meeting Swamp Thing so much he'd have gotten used to terrain like this.

- Suddenly looking at it, it's eyes were black and empty, full of hunger as it reached for you.

- It was all became a messy blur, your knife met the Kelpie's neck as it grabbed your hand, a terrible screech rang out before you were jerked like a ragdoll.

- Watching the skin of your neighbor be torn away to see the terrifying Kelpie take it's true form, diving into the pond with you in tow.

- But you fought with what you had, even if you couldn't see or breathe, you could still stab and fight. You wouldn't let this thing kill anyone else as you drove the knife deeper.

- The water tasted like blood, a slight pain around where you were grabbed and the sound of something horrible filled your ears before coming back up to the surface.

- Both you and John collapsed on the edge of the pond now drenched in mud and kelpie blood. Looking to where you were grabbed you noticed a chunk of kelpie meat hanging off where it was stuck to you...great.

- That would... hopefully come off once it dried up as you turned your gaze back to the star filled sky.

"I told you to go home ya little prat."

- John scolded yet he couldn't really complain after singlehandedly killing the beast. "If I were you...I'd go home and pretend this was all some horrible nightmare." You only chuckled knowing you were too deep into it now as you let go of the knife.

"Not a chance..." You sighed, knowing you weren't going to pretend this didn't happen.

Aftercare

At first John isn’t really an aftercare sort of guy, but keep in mind relationships weren’t exactly his thing either. Give him some time to adjust to the new norm and he will help and care for you however you need afterwards

Body Part

Of course it would be something lewd, your ass or tits, or dick, or whatever else you may have since he’s pan (because of nonhuman sex), but once he really accepts his feelings for you it will become your eyes. He loves the story they tell him, especially during sex (or your mouth for si militar reasons)

Cum

It doesn’t matter how sweet you may make this man, he will always want to come on you be it your thighs or your stomach or your face. He loves seeing you all marked up as his and what better way to prove you’re his. (Might have minor fears about you becoming pregnant too if you’re a gal)

Dirty Secret

Loves when you take control. Won’t openly admit it but if you ever pin him down and initiate it all from the beginning, will happily go along without protest. But you gotta know how to jump him properly

Experience

John has a lot of experience, with pretty much everything, lol. He doesn’t stop his sexual desires at humans, whatever he finds attractive no matter the species he will try to seduce and has succeeded. Don’t feel jealous though, you’re the only one he remotely cares about

Favorite Position

Idk the proper term for this position so hear me out! Doggy style, but where the bottom partner is sat us allowing more use for hands. Almost like sitting in his lap, but with your back turned towards him. It’s really erotic for him and if he manages to see the two of you like that that’s just a bonus

Goofy

At first wouldn’t likely be very goofy, I mean this guy deals with a lot and is likely just looking for a way to take the edge off. However, will relax more overtime and may crack more than just a smile during intimate times the more comfortable he gets with it

Hair

The carpets match the drapes if that’s your biggest concern, but other than that can very. He’s a busy guy who at times doesn’t care about his health/appearance in that sort of way so it may be an unruly mess down there. On occasion he may clean up, but that’s rare

Intimacy

Likely won’t be that intimate, that sort of thing may scare him. Commitment isn’t really his thing, but obviously he’s trying, he’s with you, but don’t go pushing too far too soon as it may stress him out

Jerk Off

Has no problem jerking off, you away or not. He’ll do a half pout if you’re away because he knows he has something better, but he loves jerking off when you watch him. He loves the look you give him and loves how the sight drives you crazy for him

Kink

John may like to see you tied up, in one if those fancy positions with fancy knots you definitely have to look up online to learn. Likes to have you restrained and at his mercy, likes being able tot ale his time with you and do as he pleases

Location

It’s going to sound boring but the bed. His wild life, almost dying, getting the crap kicked out of him, the usual, he likes nothing more than to unwind and allow his body to finally relax in a comfortable place. He’s no stranger to doing it other places, but his sore body needs a break

Motivation

Whenever he’s in the mood of course is his motivation, but aside from that early mornings where he wakes up before you and all is peaceful for once. Since he’s not good at talking about the softer sides of his emotions, lazy morning sex is his go to to show you how he cares about you

Oral

Loves to give and receive. Loves to give a little more solely because he loves to tease and loves to watch you squirm. Now he gets to have/see both easily so be prepared for all the edging

Pace

Likes to take his time with you believe it or not. It allows him to relax and not worry and just enjoy, not have to worry about killing or banishing or any of that. Goes back to giving his body a break in a pleasurable way

Quickie

Will indulge in a quickie when the two of you don’t have time of course. But will also indulge in a quickie after a successful job because the guy is high on adrenaline and needs a release

Risk

Won’t take much of a risk. He takes enough of a risk with the job he’s in, he’s just like a break for once goddammit. He doesn’t need another thing to possibly worry about

Stamina

John has pretty good stamina for a man his age and in his health. It’s more like he’s got good patience and will use all the foreplay to help, but ain’t no two pump chump either. Round two may be a no go most days though

Toys

Will happily use toys on you or himself, it adds to everything and it’s always a great way to add to the foreplay or the experience in general. Will call you a naughty girl/boy/preferred pronoun if you buy something without his knowledge

Unfair

John is there biggest tease there is so expect long hours of foreplay. It’s not even that he likes the teasing you part, he just likes the reactions. For all he cares you could cum multiple times, but as long as you keep squirming the way you do he’ll be satisfied

Volume

Pretty medium. He won’t get all that loud until he cums, but he’s not quiet either. More heavy grunts than anything else, may purr your name for effects depending where you are in the whole event

Wildcard

Threesomes! May ask for a threesome but don’t expect it to be your gender, or even your species for all that matter. It’ll be much more of a surprising question than you first thought

XRay

John is a pretty average man. His balls may hang a little lower than most but keep in mind he’s got some bad habits and that has taken an effect on his body. But nothing that’ll slow him down any

Yearning

Likely won’t yearn for you at first, likely won’t even be in your thoughts at first. It’s not this thing, remember. However, over time will catch himself missing you and at first be disgusted/annoyed at himself, before giving up and accepting the new feelings

Zzz