#general abilene

Summary: Sammy and Ben welcome Dan and Larry from television’s Mission: Apparition to King Falls with an exclusive interview and investigation from the King Falls Library.

Characters:

Pete Meyers

Sammy Stevens

Ben Arnold

Emily Potter

Dan

Larry

Rich McGuff

Doyle Bevins

Troy Krieghauser

Greg Frickard

Plot Tags:

Apparitions

Mission Apparition

King Falls Public Library

General Abilene

[podcast music]

P: Well that’s why you’re a damn fool, Sammy.

S: Pete, I thought you weren’t listening to King Falls AM ever again?

P: Oh, you’d like that wouldn’t you. Nobody keeping you on the straight and narrow, you roughed up rascal. I’ve got just the mind to stop.

S: Of course you do, Pete.

P: Don’t push me, ‘cause I’m close to the eeeeeedge.

S: Okay, you know what, the hotline is ringing, Pete, I gotta let you go buddy.

P: Say what? I’m done? Are you kidding me? I’m f***ing destroying your Yelp page, alright? I got homies on Yahoo Answers that are gonna hear about this, it’s gonna go straight down the grapevine, and you’re going-*hang up noise*

S: Hey Ben?

B: Hey Sammy! This is weird, huh?

S: For those of you just joining us, local King Falls apparition expert and our beloved co host Ben Arnold-

B: Oh, stop.

S: -is not in the station with me this evening, but is actually conducting an on site interview-

B: And investigation, don’t forget that part, Sammy.

S: -and investigation, with Dan and Larry of the TV show Mission Apparition, down at the King Falls Public Library. Y’know, Ben, of all the weird kooky places that are…’haunted’, why did you pick-

B: Dude, they just pulled in with their fancy van right before I called? *laughing* I think they're bringing out the  goofy goggles and some proton packs. Who you gonna call?

Emily: *In the background* Ghostbusters!

S: Oh. Emily Potter. Y'know, I didn’t expect you here.

B: Duh! How else was I gonna get in the library for this? I don’t think old Mrs. Kilpatrick was gonna come let us in. Jeez.

S: I was being sarcastic, Ben. Maybe you didn’t notice because you were blinded by lo-

B: Don’t.

S: So you've been at the library all evening long with Emily, while I’ve been here scrambling by myself in studio?

B: You know I had to set up for the interview. There’s a lot of work that goes into this. Y’know how hard it is to set up a remote? *scoffing laughter* This has not been all horseplay.

S: Just some horseplay.

B: Not a lick, I mean, none. Y’know how serious I am about prep.

S: You’re right.

E: Hi Sammy.

S: Hi Emily.

E: Did you tell him that joke you told me Benny? Tell it to Sammy.

B: I stand by my previous statement.

S: Of course you do.

*knocking in the background*

B: Oh! They’re here! *humming the ghostbusters theme*

E: I’ll go let them in.

B: *still humming* Ghostbusters!

*door opening and closing*

S, with Ben still humming in the background: Folks, maybe you're thinking my esteemed colleague has just been down at the closed library with the girl he lov-

B: Sammy! Can we just do this later?

S: Only if you tell me that joke, Ben.

B: Huh. Uh huh. Hey! I’m Ben, with King Falls AM, thanks for coming.

Larry: What up, Ben. I’m Larry, and this is my partner Dan, and together we are-

Larry and Dan together: Mission Apparition!

B: That. Is, a very synchronized introduction, guys.

Dan: Thanks, Ben. Sooooo...this is the King Falls Public Library, huh? Very nice.

L: Creepy, man!

E: Hi, I’m Emily Potter. I’m the head librarian here. Thank you so much for coming to check the place out! It’s...been a trying few months, with the uh, the spirits we have here at odds with one another.

D: Not a problem at all. Anything to ease the minds of the dearly departed.

B: Jeez. Us! Jesus. You guys should do a Jerusalem episode.

D: Y’know, the ratings said yes, but then homeland security actually said no. You can thank Larry and a funky batch of Ayahuasca for that.

L: Maybe in 3-5.

S: As Ben said, thank you guys so much for joining us live here on King Falls AM, that’s 660 on the AM dial. It’s a pleasure to have you on tonight.

D: *clearing throat* Uh, is this Sammy Stevens?

S: That it is. Y’know we-

D: Y’know I notice that you aren't here live after your big email writing skills, Sammy. You afraid of what we’ll find tonight? Or of looking Mission Apparition in the eyes after your disparaging remarks?

S: *clears throat* Okay, you know that, actually wasn’t-

B: *very deliberately clearing his throat*

S: Yes. Let’s go with that, either one of them.

B: Thanksm Sammy.

L: I’ve got the gear Dan. Where, where do we start?

B: Oh we can head over to the-

D: Listen to the lovely Miss Emily, we are indeed guests in your den of enlightenment.

B: *sighing*

E: Ben has an interview area set up, right over here. Maybe we should start there first, Ben?

B: That’d be-

D: That’d be terrific, Emily. After you.

B: *scoffing* Did you guys find us alright? Tonight?

L: Man, you wouldn’t believe it. We got awful lost coming up the mountain, I mean, turned around for something stupid like twenty? Twenty five minutes?

D: That’s right, GPS right? I mean, sometimes you can’t trust technology to steer you straight. You just have to navigate, with your heart. Isn’t that right, Emily?

B: But maybe if you steer with your heart too much, it will lead you to that weird shaman from Temple of Doom and you lose your heart.

S: What Ben was trying to say was, uh Sweetzer Forest, that’s where you guys were, right?

L: Hell yeah it was.

B: Maybe if you did your homework, you’d know it’s another one of those spirits here in King Falls. General Abilene, back in-

D: Oh, that makes sense. He leads travelers away from the bloodiest massacre in King Falls history.

E: That's right, Dan. You really studied up.

B: Yeah. Dan. Good job. Really. So good.

S: You know what, everybody, just to keep us on schedule, I think we’re gonna take a real quick break, you guys can get settled in, and after the break then we’ll take some calls.

L: Looking forward to it bros! And, and broette.

S: Ladies and gents, we’ll be right back after this message from our sponsor.

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[KFAM music]

S: You're back with Sammy and Ben, and we’ve got a special treat for you tonight. Our very own Ben Arnold is with Emily Potter at the King Falls Public Library, interviewing Dan and Larry, from the astoundingly popular hit tv show, Mission Apparition.

D: Sunday nights at 8, on spook tv, channel 13.

S: Dan. Larry. Now, you gentlemen have one of the top TV programs in the nation, and I venture to say that you’ve seen probably about everything one could imagine. What would you say is the craziest thing you’ve seen?

L: Ooh, Sammy, this one time, up in Cougarneck-

D: You know, we….don’t ever say that things are crazy in our line of work, Sammy. We’re dealing with souls that don’t know where they are, or why they’re here. Astral projections trapped in a physical world. Lost. scared. Crazy is not part of the equation.

B: So on your show,

Dan and Larry: Mission Apparition.

B: Right! Uh, well the show oddly gets massive ratings, there are uh a lot of detractors, critics, and viewers saying there isn’t really any science behind your work, and that basically you guys are just, well, uh, shysters.

D: Oh, yeah, right, shysters, like old Sammy up in the studio. Right?

S: Y’know, I didn’t really write-

B: Sammy. Let the guest answer. Please.

L: The show speaks for itself, y’know Ben? Dan and I, share a love for the paranormal world and, we just wanna know the how and the why of these lost souls and do what we can to get them back to where they belong.

D: Larry. You eloquent son of a b****. I just teared a little in my tear hole.

E: Aww. I love that you two take your job so seriously.

B: *frustrated noise*

S: Would you guys be cool with taking some phone calls?

D: We would absolutely love speaking with our fans. Bring it on, Benedict Samuel.

B: Sorry, Sammy.

S: Uh huh.

B: Give us a call here, folks, and speak with world renown paranormal experts *laughing* sorry, Dan and Larry, from Mission Apparition. 424-279-3858

S: Or you can tweet us @kingfallsam and we’ll pass on your questions and comments.

D: What’s that perfume you’re wearing, Emily? It exquisite.

E: Oh, do you like it, it’s Clinique-

B: Expensive! Someone who must really care for her must have gotten that for her birthday, after she said “hey, that’s too much for a bottle of perfume, Ben”, but then they did it anyway, because she means that much and more to them.

D: It’s nice.

B: Yeah! Oh, it’s nice!

S: Okay. So, the phone lines are lighting up, let's give lucky line one a try, good evening, you’re on with Mission Apparition.

Doyle: Oh yeah, baby, I’m just loving the show boys. All them spooks.

Multiple: Apparitions.

S: And who’re we speaking with?

DB: This is Doyle, Doyle Bevins. How you doing Sammy?

S: Real well, Doyle.

DB: How y’all doing this evening, Mission Apparition ?

D: Doing just fine, sir. Do you have a question for us?

DB: You better believe it. So I live up the street, in old Hollybrook.

L: We aren’t from here, so I’m not exactly sure where Hollybrook-

Db: Hey. Hey. hey. Can I finish Larry? Can I finish?

S: Lets stay on topic, Doyle. So do you have a question for the team?

DB: Ten four, Shotgun. So I got this apartment up the ways, right?

D: We’re following, Doyle

DB: Well sometimes, late at night, I get this real hungry feeling all rumbling around in my tummy, even though I already ate, right? So I go preheat my little toaster oven-

B: Doyle. Come on, man.

DB: And whoopadopa! That thing’ll snap right shut up on me, just a growling like grrrrmrmmmrrrr and it won’t open up for the life of me. Just got my hot pocket stuck in there like it’s in the toast oven purgatory, fellas.

S: Is it the crazies-

DB: Craziest thing you ever saw, boys.

B: Can we take another caller Sammy?

D: Excuse me, it was Doyle, correct?

DB: You got it, bossman.

D: Are you saying that your toaster is experiencing a haunting?

DB: Don’t you know it.

D: Y’know, Doyle, it it’s not uncommon in our line of work to see this. When you look at the toaster oven, how does that make you feel?

DB: It just makes me sad, bro. Trapping up like that. I just wanna work with it, make some goodies. Teamwork, universal harmony, bros.

D: Next time one of these late night experiences happen, look at it. I mean, I mean really look at the toaster and say these simple words. “I forgive you. You can go home”

DB: That is heartbreaking Danny boy.

D: I believe you’re gonna see a world of difference.

*hang up noise*

S: Thanks for the call, Doyle.

B: Maybe if anyone has any other, um, I don’t know, real things? That happen with spirits, give us a call.

D: Don’t downplay Ben, you can’t be too careful. You should be thankful it’s not your toaster that we’re talking about.

S: Line four, you’re on King Falls AM.

Troy, unenthusiastically: Hey Sammy. Ben. Emily. Dan. Larry.

S: Hey Troy, how ya holding up, buddy?

T: I’m okay. Just wanted to call in and tell Dan and Larry I’m a big fan.

B: You off duty, Troy?

T: Yeah, Ben, I’m off duty.

B: I was asking because, I’m worried about what the mayor said, not, to rub your nose in it, man.

T: I’m sorry Ben, I’m just touchy like my great uncle Herb.

S: We’re really sorry about the mess we’ve put you in, Troy.

T: Shucks, it ain’t nothing on you fellas. I just need to be more responsible with my time while I’m an officer of the law. Says Sheriff Gunderson and newly introduced municipal code 4.02.051.

S: You know what, we’ll talk real soon, Troy. We do have Dan and Larry here, if you’d like to-

T: Just a big fan of you, boys. Mission Apparition is can’t miss in the Kriegshauser household.

D: And we appreciate it, deputy.

L: Yeah man, thanks for watching the show.

T: Keep on doing good work, guys. Sammy. Ben. I’ll talk at you soon.

B: Bye Troy.

T: Bye, Ben.

*hang up noise*

S: Thanks for the call, Troy. Take care. Line ten, you’re on with Sammy and Ben.

Greg: Hey Sammy, it’s Greg Frickard.

S: Hey Greg, nice hearing from you. Are you a big fan of Dan and Larry’s show?

G: Yeah...not really, no. Granny doesn’t like the jump scares at her age, so I don’t get a lot of time to watch the old boob tube to myself. I was actually calling to see if I could speak to Emily? If that’s okay?

B: We, we, uhh, we’ve got a bad connection, Sammy, you’re, you’re, you’re breaking up, I can’t hardly-

E: I’m here! How’re you doing, Greg?

B: Are you serious, Greg?

G: Well, heyyyy, hi Emily, I’m a big fan of your work.

D: Um, sir? Are you talking to Emily, or are you talking to Mission Apparition?

G: I’m speaking to Miss Potter, slimer. Do you mind?

B: Can he please stay on topic, or go to another call, Sammy?

E: Ben...it’s alright. Did you say you were a big fan?

G: Oh yeah! I really think you’re doing some amazing things. *stammering* Down at the library. Uh, the reference sections reshelving? Really kind of makes the back area of the second floor pop.

E: You think so? I didn’t think anybody noticed.

G: Oh. I noticed. It’s really nice. You’ve got a great eye.

S: Greg. We appreciate you calling in, but the Mission Apparition guys are about to do a little investigation down at the library themselves.

B: And not the ‘hiding behind the Encyclopedia Britannica’ kind, Greg.

G: Oh, sure thing Sammy. Can you just give me one second?

B: Lets cut it off, Sam?

S: Umm...sure.

E: What’s on your mind, Greg?

G: Emily. I’ve been studying you from afar for, well, longer than I’d like to admit.

E: Oh. Okay. Thank you?

B: *clearing his throat?*

G: And I know you’re pretty good friends with Ben there, but, I’ll be honest, I’d really like the chance to court you myself. Ben said you two were only pals…

E: You know, Greg, you sound like a really nice guy, and I’ve actually been down to Granny Frickards-

G: Oh, man, that’s, wow, I’m happy to hear that. And I am a nice guy!

D: Guys, I am, I’m so sorry to break up the love fest that’s happening here, *Ben choking in the background* is Ben okay?

G: Look, I’m just putting it all out there, Emily. And I don’t need an answer now, but I just think you’re the most beautiful thing in all of King Falls. And I would regret it for all of my days, if I didn’t do my darndest to tell you how I feel.

E: Oh...wow...uh, I, that’s...really sweet, Greg. I think maybe that’s something we can- *crashing, Emily gasping*

L: It’s got him! Holy s***! *Ben choking* It’s got him!

E: *gasp* Oh my god! Ben!

S: What’s going on? Is everything okay, guys? Ben?

g: You tell me, Sammy, sheesh. A man staples his heart to his to his sleeve-

B: Oh god!

G: -and all I hear about is-

S: Greg, we’re gonna have to talk to you later. We’ve got a situation, it seems.

G: I love you Emily!

*hang up noise*

E: Somebody do something! Hang on, Ben!

B: *struggling in the background*

S: Guys, what is going on?

E: Put him down! Right now! I mean it!

D: Yes! Do what she says, you magnificent ethereal being!

L: Sammy, it’s Larry, you gotta call your deputy buddy, it’s getting crazy here! The phantasm, it’s choking Ben!

S: Okay, I’m sorry, what was that again? I thought you said-

L: Some sort of see through figure is choking the hell out of your buddy Ben. Then he picked him up, ten feet in the air, and I can’t watch, it’s too much!

D: You put that man down there this instant, John Wilkes Booth!

S: Okay, did somebody just say John Wilkes Booth?

B: *still choking and struggling in the background* You….racist!

L: He’s, he’s gonna, he’s throwing Ben!

E: Sammy, please call Deputy Troy!

*rushing wind*

L: He got loose, Ben got loose!

B, out of breath: What the f*** is going on here!

S: Ben! Are you okay? What-

B: Larry, get the doors open, we’ve gotta get out of here.

E: Ben? I was so scared, are you okay?

B: I, I’m okay, we’ve gotta get out of the library, s*** is hitting the fan, Sammy, I was pacing back away from the group and that mustachioed son of a b**** grabbed me

S: Ben, please be careful, I just texted Troy, I think he’s heading up there right now. You don’t have to stay on the air, get out of there.

D: Four scores and a five dollar bill, that’s Abraham Lincoln.

S: What?!

L: President A. Lincoln has got a big ass gun, we’ve gotta go, Dan.

B: Emily, stay down. President Lincoln has a ghost gatling gun, man. I think he’s about to blow Boothe to hell and back.

D: Oh s***, yeah, that’s a gatling gun

L: The door’s open, Dan. You gotta get the hell away from there. Move your ass, let's scoot!

D: Larry, Larry, get back here right now! We gotta film this, Larry, grab the camera!

B: Emily, let’s go, Sammy we’ve gotta split, I don’t know how ghost bullets work, but I don’t wanna stick around to find out.

S: Get out of there, Ben, be careful.

D: No no no wait, don’t shoot Mr. President, camera isn’t on yet! Mr. President, we’re on the same page here, this guy shot you, in a theater, you should be angry, you should be furious, this gatling gun should be going when we hit the rolls, you should be going, on the mark, on your mark, no no nonono! Pull back, pull back Mr. President, we aren’t rolling yet, we aren’t rolling, NOOOO!

[Podcast Theme]

[King Falls AM music]

Ben: Top of the hour here at King Falls AM, at 660 on the AM dial. And we’re live here on this crisp King Falls evening. It’s a full moon, and you know what that means so be careful out there. It’s 4 am on the dot and as per instructed by Merv, the station manager, we will be-

Sammy: You’re really gonna play that?

B: Oh, look who’s talking again, everybody, Sammy Stevens, ladies and gents.

S: Very funny, Ben. You know we’ve played this apology enough, lets just get back on track, how about it?

B: Gotta do it.

*tape starts*

S: Hello, this is Sammy Stevens, and I’m sitting here with Ben Arnold, your cohost of King Falls AM *record scratch*

S: No! We aren’t doing this Ben.

B: Sammy, I’m gonna have to file a report if we don’t play this apology at the top of every hour.

S: Write it up.

B: I don’t want to!

S: Then don’t!

B: Sammy? Can we talk about this? Folks, we’re just gonna take a quick break for-

S: No break, no apology, you wanna play that tape?

B: No, but we have to.

S: Fine. You know what, we’ll do this one live kids, and uh, boy are you in for a treat.

B: I don’t know if I-

S: So there’s a note on the board when we came in. We’re to record an apology to you, the dear listeners and residents of King Falls.

B: Merv simply asked that we apologize for...creating a controversy at the 55th annual-

S: We talk about the news here. Relevant subjects that affect this town. What we don’t do, *wry laughter*, what we would never do, is apologize for trying to cover a breaking news story. A dead body at a public event that King Falls AM is covering is news.

B: Maybe Mayor Grisham went a little overboard kicking us out, I’m not saying he-

S: If I owned the station, if I owned the station I’d go after him. I mean, why isn’t Merv mad at Grisham, why is this on us? Have you even met Merv, Ben?

B: Yes. I mean, not in person, but, look, we have a show to keep on track. In a few minutes we’ll be speaking with both of the winners of the 55th annual bass tournament.

S: How about this, how about we open up the phone lines and talk about how the good Mayor Grisham is strong arming the media- *static*

Announcer: This Sunday evening at 7pm, we say goodbye to long time host of King Falls Sewing Corner, Esther Rollins, the way she would have wanted us to.

Esther Rollins: Talking about life, talking about love, and crocheting a mean doily while we’re at it.

A: While we will all miss Esther’s sweet stitchery tips and needlepoint mastery, we’ll miss Esther even more.

ER: We’ll darn your socks and maybe even darn your men to heck while we’re at it.

A: We’ll reminisce and play clips from Sewing Corners illustrious 24 year run. As well as a live music tribute from Esther’s favorite band.

*heavy metal music*

ER: Oh I just love these boys. All Possible States. Always remember, bad times never last, but badasses certainly do. We’ll see you soon King Falls.

A: Hopefully not too soon, Esther. 7pm, this Sunday. Help us say goodbye to King Falls most bitching granny.

*heavy metal music*

B: I didn’t cut you off Sammy!

S: Real mature, Ben.

B: You were looking right at me, I didn’t even touch the board. And you know Esther Rollins was slated for 4:32 am. I’d never-

S: Oh, okay, it must have been General Abilene, right?

B: You know he’s in Sweetzer Forest. Sheesh. Can’t we just take some calls, you’re killing me. Line six.

Cecil: Benjamin Arnold, Mr. Sheffield here. Why’re you on the radio?

B: Crap, bass tournament winners were scheduled for two minutes ago, uh, I’m gonna call the other.

S: Oh, so we can talk about the tournament, we just can’t talk about the dead body.

B: Sammy!

S: Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Mr. Cecil Sheffield to the show, cowinner of the 55th annual King Falls bass tourney.

B: It’s great to have you Mr. Sheffield.

C: It’s good to be talking to you fellas too. Ben, how’re your grades holding up this year?

B: Uhh...I’ve, *nervous laughter* I graduated already, several years ago.

C: No more late papers this semester Mr. Arnold!

S: Yeah Ben, no more late papers.

B: For those of you who don’t know, Mr. Sheffield was my history teacher at King Falls high school. Shouldn’t he be retired by now?

C: *singing* Rising mists, the gold and orange, grandly into the blue, reaches our dear alma mater-

S: *clapping* There you have it folks, Mr. Cecil Sheffield, winner of this year’s King Falls idol.

C: Go Falls! I really love talking to you guys.

B: And we...love talking to you.

S: How about we talk about the big win at the tournament, huh, you split the grand prize, $500 and a bass boat, is that correct?

C: Oh, it was awesome. Standing up there at the podium with my good friend Hershel. I’m happy to share the prize with such a great man. I haven’t gotten a chance to use the new boat-

B: And we’ve got Hershel Baumgardner.

S: Sorry to cut you off, Cecil, Hershel you’re live on King Falls-

H: You usurping, unsportsmanlike, son of a b**** filth. I know all of you were colluding against me this year. It’s a conspiracy!

S: I’m sorry, what now Mr. Baumgardner?

H: You know exactly what I’m talking about, big city!

B: We actually don’t Mr. Baumgardner.

H: Don’t mouth off to me you conspiring little bag of d****!

S: Hey, hey, Hershel, no one is conspiring against anybody here! You should be happy right now, this is what, your fourth time winning the tournament? Granted, lets be honest, the cadaver should probably give this one an asterisk.

B: 1989, 1992, and now back to back titles in 2014 and 2015, you're the first ever to have four titles!

H: Well, when you put it like that...I guess...I never thought of it that way...I was just so red faced about someone poking a hole in the bottom of my boat right after I caught my last fish. Old Cecil wouldn’t have come close if some boob stain hadn’t messed with my damn boat.

B: Kingsy got you!

H: It wasn’t Kingsy. That serpenty little b***.

C: Is that Hershel? How you doing buddy? I miss you. Why you don’t answer when I call?

H: Cecil! You cheating dog pecker, I’d knowed it was you that sunk my battleship, you couldn’t stand to have me win all by myself this year, you limp d*** drunkard!

B: Uh ha, we’re gonna have to ask you to watch your language, Mr. Baumgardner.

H: Now you listen here you motherf******- *dial tone*

S: Hello?

B: Sorry, Sammy, Merv’s already not happy, lets not have the FCC join him.

S: You know you’re getting real good with that dump button trigger finger tonight Ben. B: I told you I didn’t dump you. Hershel, yes, but not you.

S: You, *laughs*, you were so right about this full moon tonight Ben.

B: This is a nightmare.

S: Hey. I’m sorry, okay? I shouldn’t have gotten so fired up.

B: You and Hershel both. You know how hard I work on this schedule? Don’t...puppy dog eye me, Sammy!

S: Hey, I’m just trying to ice this apology cake buddy.

B: 6:20, you buy me a stack of pancakes at Rose’s Diner, and we’ll call it even.

S: Sounds like a plan. So, you’ve heard our story King Falls, now let's hear-

B: Good grief, we’ve got line two, he’s in a panic.

S: Aren’t we all? You’re on the air with Sammy and Ben, what can we-

Archie: No time for pleasantries, I need the law!

B: Sir, uh, 911 is probably your best bet.

S: Or maybe tweet Troy and #kingfalls911, I dunno.

A: You silly Sally’s, I’ve already called the deputy is on the way, but I’m having a terrible night and I don’t appreciate the two of you making it worse.

B: Wait, is this Archie Simmons?

A: The one and only.

B: Is there something wrong down at the Pomchi Palace?

S: Pomchi? What the hell is a pomchi?

A: Oh my god, read a book Sammy

B: It’s a dog breed, half pomeranian, half chihuahua.

S: Oh. So, Archie’s a professional dog breeder?

A: Best bitches in the tristate area!

B: That’s their motto.

A, to the dog: That’s a good baby, daddy loves you. Oh, what’s that, that angry mean werewolf violated you? Don’t you worry, daddy will make him pay!

S: Did he just say werewolf?

A: You bet your bottom dollar I did.

S: Ben, I...I can’t.

B: Tell us what’s going on, Archie.

A: Well, I live off of route 72, damn near out of town. It’s usually nice and quiet except for those damn trashy rednecks and their trailer park every damn Saturday night.

B: But, tonight it’s not nice and quiet?

A: Hell no! I woke up to the most god awful squalling. I mean, it sounded like a freight train hit a barrel of screaming billy goats. Half a step below a damn eight *** bottle rocket.

B: That is vivid.

S: Dare I say, was it a half man half wolf?

B: Good job Sammy.

S: Please don’t encourage this.

A: It was so terrible a noise. I thought I might have dreamed it, but then I heard it again.

S: Go on.

A: So I threw on my slippers and went running towards the back of the house. And I’m scared, because I just paid, well I paid a bundle, for a couple of these new pomchi bitches. So I’m worried that maybe Rufus, that’s my labradoodle-

S: Labrado-

B: Labrador poodle mix.

A: Dammit, google it fellas, and keep up! I’m worried that Rufus has maybe snuck in the backyard and roughed up the new pomchis, so I rush towards the back, and Rufus is in the Florida room, just a growling mind you, so it wasn’t him. So I burst open the back door and what do I see?

B: What, uhh, what did you see?

A: I see a half man, half dog bent over hunching the hell out of my $2400 Princess Von Barktooth.

B: Not Princess Von Barktooth!

S: Okay, so you run outside in your slippers and you see some skeezy pervert and he’s got your dog.

A: In the biblical sense! But the man was a werewolf.

S: Are we really talking about wolfman werewolves here? I’m sorry, Ben.

A: You shouldn’t be sorrying to Ben, he’s not the one who’s been sodomized by a damn man wolf. And now I gotta stay up all night watching the princess and dealing with the law. Lord knows I’m worried that leads to long term emotional distress or worse. And we can just throw out winning the Westminster trophy. That was not in our five year plan!

B: I have to...what was the five year plan?

A: Princess Von Barktooth is supposed to fall in love with another purebred pomchi who sweeps her off her feet, holds open all the doggy doors for her, and shares all his treats. Isn’t that right little princess? *barking*

S: This is just silly. I mean, it was obviously just a creep with serious issues, not a mythical-

A: Are you calling me a liar? *howling in the background* I saw that abomination with my own two baby blues.

B: Sammy likes to look at these paranormal events from all angles, Archie.

A: Well the angle that I saw it at was a g-d crime against humanity and dogmanity alike. The beastman looked at me, evil in his eyes, and desire in his heart, tossed my princess like a ragdoll, howled at the moon like the wretched demon that he is, and scampered off.

B: Uh, Archie, have you had issues with the werewolves before?

A: Oh my gosh who hasn’t? Old Dylan ‘Hillbilly’ Baxter used to pepper buckshot those chicken thieving shapeshifting sons of bitches.

S: Brass tacks here, is Princess Von Barktooth okay?

A: Needless to say, we’re more than a bit shaken by this turn of events.

S: Have you looked into silver bullets? Ebay, Amazon Prime?

A: You come out here the next full moon you sassy Sally, and I’ll show you more werewolves than you can shake a d*** at. *sirens in the background* Oh, I just heard deputy Troy pull up, I gotta go boys. *hang up sound*

B: Uh, thanks for letting all of us know that there’s been some activity on the wolf front Archie.

S: This is just too much. Look, stay safe Archie, listening public. I’m not saying that there’s werewolves on the loose-

B: There are.

S: Ben. Everyone stay safe, there’s definitely something in the air tonight.

B: Oh no. Sammy, can you take line one?

S: Do I even wanna ask?

Finn: Sammy! Ben! It’s bad. It’s real bad, y’know?

S: Are you alright, Finn?

F: I didn’t even see him coming! Must have ran headlong into the truck on my blind side.

S: Who did? What’s going on?

B: Finn hit a dog, off route 72.

S: You’re f***ing kidding me.

F: This poor little guy, I feel so bad, y’know? Actually, he’s not that little…

B: Finn, are you still in your truck?

F: Oh yeah, but I stopped it when I hit the fella. I’m shaking something awful here.

S: I think you should start the truck up and just keep on moving.

F: I think he’s still alive. I’m gonna have to do the right thing and check this out Sammy.

B: Sammy’s right-

F: I’m outside the truck, heading back towards the pooch.

S: Get back in the truck Finn! Uh, y‘know, because it could be a coyote or something, not a were, y’know.

F: Oh my, this poor fella don’t look too good. This looks, WHOA NOW!

B: Move your maple loving ass Finn!

F: It’s too late, running at me boys! What f***?

S: Finn? Finn?