#doyle bevins

Ben [smugly] Au contraire, my friend! You should know: I’ve got a backup plan. And a backup for the backup plan.

Sammy [incredulous] Uh-huh.

Ben Lemme just pull out- the- [rustling] trusty— smartphone, aaand— [dull clatter]

Sammy And?

Ben It’s off.

Sammy Well.*laugh/huff* Good thing you’ve got a backup for this.

Ben It’s… an expression. We’re, *anxious sigh* we’re flying blind, Sammy. Check your phone.

Sammy It’s, uh, it, it is off, uh, let me guess, the ghost—sorry, apparition—

Ben Thank you.

Sammy Of Marconi[1] just visited the station and just decided to start yanking wires.

Ben Maybe Merv forgot to pay the electric bill.

Sammy The lights, the mics, it’s not electricity, this is selective. [disgruntled] Uh, you know, but thanks for being so cheap and old, Merv, it may have spared 660 from the wrath of Skynet.

Ben Yeah, the board’s lit up and so are the phones. I, I don’t get it.

Sammy King Falls, have you gotten whacked by this random and seemingly mischievous power outage?? Uh, you, you’ve heard our story, let’s hear uh- wait, can they hear us?

Ben Good call. [sound of Ben getting up]

Sammy I, I don’t understand why some of this stuff is working and some of it is out! [slightly desperate] What are we doing, Ben? Y-y— [radio interference in bg] Now’s not the time to go rogue!

Ben [in bg] Radios are working, Sammy. [closer] We’re live.

Sammy *sigh* Well, you’re hearing our story right now, King Falls, let’s hear yours. If you’ve got a phone that’s- working, give us a call or tweet us @KingFallsAM—

Ben Can’t check the Twitter.

Sammy Damn it! *sigh* Let’s take a call, Ben.

Ben But- the- schedule!

Sammy Dude, what schedule?! The one locked in the computer that zoinked out, or the one that’s locked in our iPhone that won’t power up?

Ben [muttered]Damn your logic. Line one!

Sammy You’re live on the air with Sammy and Ben. Hope you’re well on this weird-ass evening.

Line 1 [slightly suggestively]Hey, Shotgun!

Sammy *exasperated sigh* Hey, man. What’s your name again?

Line 1 Not important! *chuckles* I-I jusht wanted to check in with my favorite AM radio hosht and tell you you’re coming in loud and clear on my end. Loud and clear! Ha ha! Haaa. [realizing] Am I on the air?

Ben You’re live, sir.

Sammy So how are things in your neck of the woods? Any technology issues? Things not powering up and on for you?

Line 1 Not a problem in the world, Shotgun, ha ha.

Ben Is he gonna keep calling you—

Line 1 Shotguuunn Shammyyyyy

Sammy *sigh* Was there anything in particular you needed?

CALLER That’sh it! Love the show. SHOTGUN SAMMYYY!!!!

[click, dial tone]

Ben [curiously] What did you do in your past life, Sammy?

Sammy [muttered] You don’t even want to know.

Ben *snickers* Line seven, good evening, you’re on King Falls AM.

Line 7 [guy sounds stoned] Hey Ben, hey Sammy, you dudes doing okay up there?

Sammy All things considered, we’re doing well! Uh, and who are we speaking with?

Doyle Ohh-h-h, this is Doyle. Doyle Bevins, out in Hollybrook Estates.

Ben Hey, Doyle. You having any issues with your computers? smartphone? what-have-you?

Doyle Oh, yeah! ‘Bout- ‘bout five minutes ago, all my toys just shut off. TV, ‘puter, phone. Sounded like a transformer just shut doowwwn.

Sammy Oh! So you had a transformer blow up by you! A- y- c— you know, could that have caused that way up here, Ben?

Ben I—

Doyle Oh, no, nothing like that! Like- like it was Bumblebee[2] powering down like a [gutteral] guchuchuhh aguchuchuhhh.

Sammy …Oh…

Ben Right. Regardless, Hollybrook is a good five miles outside of town. I don’t know if that would’a hit us.

Sammy Doyle, thanks for calling in and letting us know what’s going on with ya.

Doyle Oh, sure thing, bro, but. *chuckles* That’s not why I caallled.

Ben Oh! Uhhh, o-okay.

Sammy What’s on your mind tonight, Doyle?

Doyle Well, before all this new age funky-junk started, I was having some really crazy stuff going on here in the apartment.

Sammy Crazy stuff? Uh, wh-w-what kind of stuff?

Doyle Supernatural stuff.

Ben I’ve got nothing, I’ve never heard of anything going on in Hollybrook.

Doyle Ohohoh, it is in-sane, Ben. It’s like I’m living in some sorta Cybertronian spacecraft.

Sammy Cybertrone— I- I’m not familiar wi— Ben?

Ben It’s a Transformers reference. It’s not real.

Doyle Hey. It’s real, Ben.

Sammy Can you give us an example?

Ben Without referencing a Mike Bay movie.

Doyle Sure thing, bro. So, I’ve got this toaster, right?

Ben Mm-hmm?

Doyle Sometimes— late at night— BOOM! It’ll pop up the scariest damn thing you ever laid eyyes onn.

Sammy So it makes the noise like when the bread is done.

Doyle Ghost Toast, boyyys. It pops— but ain’t nothin’ there.

Ben Doyle… We’re gonna take another call.

Doyle Ohohoho! not good enough for you, Ben, not Spooky-Kooky enough, huh? I’ll do you one betterr.

Ben [dryly] You’d have to.

Doyle Sometimes— late at night— my fridge starts making this Scary hummin’ noise, like HUMMMUMUMUM—

Sammy Doyle.

Doyle —MUM HUMUMUMUM-HUHHH—

Sammy Doyle.

Doyle —MUMM HUUMMUMUHUH-UH-UH-KUH— *coughing* *clearing throat* You get it.

Sammy Doyle. Are you only experiencing this phenomenon with your appliances?

Doyle [impatiently] Ca- can I finish, Sammy? Is that- is that cool? Can I finish?

Sammy I’m sorry, of course.

Doyle Alright. So like I said, it’s just a hurmming so [quietly, sharing-a-secret-like] I sneak in the kitchen, all Vatican assassin-like. [louder] Sling open the door– ACRACKACHOW! – ain’t nothing happening, boys. Mayo and mustard just looking at me like they wanna hop on a sanndwich.

Sammy [“you’re crazy and i’m gonna go”] Alright, Doyle. We’re gonna take another call. Please be careful out there, with the appliances and such.

Doyle Hey, do y’all want me to make a video and send it? *scoff* Pft-Duh! Maybe the electronics are zapped so I can’t prove it, man! It’s a big old vicious circle, bros!

[click, dial tone]

Ben Dear God.

Sammy Take care, Doyle. *sigh* Line nine, you’re on with Sammy and Ben.

Creeper [creepy guy from episode 2 who calls to “listen to Sammy”]Long-time listener here!— Second-time caller.

Sammy [click, dial tone] Nope! Not tonight. I don’t want that. Let’s go ahead and take liiine…

Ben *pointedly clears throat*

Sammy Uh- yes, Ben?

Ben Huhhh, wel- ah- we- we- we need to- play an ad, Sammy.

Sammy Play an ad? You know the computers are off, right?

Ben Mhmm.

Sammy Don’t look at me like that! Don’t even think it!

Ben *whispers*God. [singing to the tune of “If You’re Happy and You Know It”] ♫Whenn- You’re- Hunngry and you know it come to Rose’s!♫

Sammy No.

Ben ♫If you’re starvin’ and it’s showin come to Rose’s!♫

Sammy Ben, please.

Ben ♫We’ve got waffles and cranapples–♫

Sammy Beenn!

Ben I’m just trying to make sure that the clients get their money’s worth?

Sammy I understand that, but you know what? there’s no better way to do that than talking about just how delicious Rose’s Diner can be. Personally, I’m one for the country breakfast. What do you get down there at Rose’s?

Ben Umm, well it’s a fact you just- can’t beat Rose’s fresh doughnuts.

Sammy And from what Troy has told us, they make a mean bagel as well!

Ben I’ve been going to Rose’s all my life? Never had a bad meal there, not one!

Sammy You know, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve stopped by for a great meal and good conversation. So if you’re in the neighborhood, just passing through, or wanna feel at home away from home, stop by Rose’s Diner! Right off the interstate.

Ben Exit 44.

Sammy There you go.

Ben You’re good and I’m hungry. [quietly] Man, I could go for the signature pancake puppies.

Sammy Whatever stops that singin’.

Ben Okay, plea—I- I’ll have you know, Mr. Sheffield cast me as the lead in King Falls High School’s rendition of Grease.

Sammy Alright, Zuko[3], well let’s take some calls! Good evening, you’re on with—

CALLER [static/interference]

Ben TIM!

Sammy Ca-can you hear us, Tim?

Pete Sorry, sorry let me turn my radio down.

Sammy [quietly, disappointed] False alarm.

Ben What do you want, Pete?

Pete This isn’t Pete! My name isss… Escobar. And I wanted to tell you that this is the absolute worst broadcast in the history of radio. You two oughta be ashamed!

Sammy We’re just trying to make the best of a bad situation, Pete.

Pete Escobar!

Ben I thought you weren’t ever listening to King Falls AM again, Pete.

Pete I’m not listening! I’m assuming.

Sammy Well you know what they say when you assume something, right, Pete?

Pete ES. CO. BARRRIBA!

Ben Don’t you have some mowing or clipping up to do at Beauregard’s manor?

Pete Racist! But you know dang well no one goes up there after sundown! Ese?

Ben So you admit your employer is a vampire. Hmm. Interesting.

Pete I didn’t say- I didn’t- I didn’t say that! I just don’t wanna whack a weed that ain’t a weed! Ben— start living right. All that scary stuff’s fryin’ yer brain.

Sammy Pete. Escobar. Do you have a reason for calling?

Pete Alright, pushy! Alright, you know what? I swear, I ain’t listening to you ever again, you brow-beating ruffians! Nunca! Nunca, now, I tell ya. [click]

[dial tone]

Sammy It’s gonna be a long night.

[sound of electrical powering down]

Ben Look at the phone lines! We dropped all the calls. Li- line one? Hello? … You’re on with King Falls. Ugh, Nothing. We can’t fill four hours like this, Sammy.

Sammy I’ve got an idea! Gimme your keys, Ben.

[rustling]

Ben This can’t be good.

Sammy Be right back!

Ben Sammy!

[footsteps running away, door closing]

Ben [singing] ♫Strandeeed at the drive iin, braannded a foool♫[4]… Yeah, I still got it. Okay folks, just uhh— lemme just check to see if our regular phones are working, make a little call out. [muttering] What is this, a rotary phone? Sheesh!

[sound of a rotary phone being dialed, ringing]

Emily Hello?

Ben Hey, Emily, it’s Ben! H- I hope I didn’t wake you!

Emily Not at all, I’m listening. What’s going on with the show? and the electronics?

Ben I know, right? I- I just wanted to make sure you were *sniffs* Oh! uh, hey, we’re live, by the way.

Emily As live as can be, right?

Ben Right. *awkward laugh* But, yeah, I just wanted to make sure you were okay with all the— weirdness happening tonight.

Emily I’m fine! Thanks for thinking of me. Good thing I’ve got a land line, I guess.

Ben [awkwardly] If you didn’t I would’ve had to, come over to check.

Emily Oh really? …That’s an interesting thought!

Ben Huh-h- mm- yeah. Y-you know, to- make sure that you’re safe and sound. Like a gentleman?

Emily Oh, of course.

Ben Oh! Uh, so, the other reason I called: um, in all your studies or research, do you ever recall any kind of electronic or- or electromagnetic pulses here in the Falls?

Emily Not to my knowledge. Obviously, I’ll dig more into this later today at the library, but it’s new I think. [door closing in bg] Lucky us!

Ben Lucky us.

[footsteps quickly coming closer]

Sammy Alright! what’d I miss?

Emily Hi, Sammy!

Sammy Hi, Emily! … Hope you’re doing alright tonight.

Ben Hey, I’ll, uh, call you later, okay?

Emily Sounds like a plan!

Ben Night! [click, dial tone] Don’t look at me like that, Sammy.

Sammy [clearly amused and judging Ben] Ah-I didn’t say a word. Crazy power outages and electrical malfunctions— do you call your mom first? Your brother? Nope! You call your local librarian, Emily Potter.

Ben So?

Sammy So it’s cute!

Ben Whatever. W-w-what are you up to over there?

Sammy Well, this is a record player, borrowed from Mr. Chet Sebastian’s office. This is not how we planned the evening, but, thank you, Chet!

Ben And?

Sammy Well, I figure since our fancy— new, high and mighty tech is out, then we’ll just have to bring back some old trusty, reliable stuff to pass the time.

Ben It’s a little telling that most of our broadcast equipment hasn’t gotten shut down.

Sammy Merv, take a note. Upgrade our WKRP radio shack so we can take a night off when everything goes belly-up, huh?

Ben Let me mic that thing up.

[sound of needle on record]

Sammy Alright ladies and gents, you’re listening to King Falls AM, that’s 660 on the radio dial. With me as always is my co-host Ben Arnold and this? This is a little Chet Sebastian jazz to help you through this weird-ass night. Thanks for being a legend, sir.

[jazz music plays]

[CREDITS]

References:

[1] Marconi - Guglielmo Giovanni Maria Marconi, 1st Marquis of Marconi FRSA was an Italian inventor and electrical engineer, known for his pioneering work on long-distance radio transmission, development of Marconi's law, and a radio telegraph system. He is credited as the inventor of radio.

[2] Bumblebee - designation B-127, is a fictional robot superhero in the many continuities in the Transformers franchise. One of the most well known characters from the Transformers.

[3] Zuko - Danny Zuko is the male lead from the popular movie Grease.