#hershel baumgardner

[Podcast Theme]

[King Falls AM music]

Ben: Top of the hour here at King Falls AM, at 660 on the AM dial. And we’re live here on this crisp King Falls evening. It’s a full moon, and you know what that means so be careful out there. It’s 4 am on the dot and as per instructed by Merv, the station manager, we will be-

Sammy: You’re really gonna play that?

B: Oh, look who’s talking again, everybody, Sammy Stevens, ladies and gents.

S: Very funny, Ben. You know we’ve played this apology enough, lets just get back on track, how about it?

B: Gotta do it.

*tape starts*

S: Hello, this is Sammy Stevens, and I’m sitting here with Ben Arnold, your cohost of King Falls AM *record scratch*

S: No! We aren’t doing this Ben.

B: Sammy, I’m gonna have to file a report if we don’t play this apology at the top of every hour.

S: Write it up.

B: I don’t want to!

S: Then don’t!

B: Sammy? Can we talk about this? Folks, we’re just gonna take a quick break for-

S: No break, no apology, you wanna play that tape?

B: No, but we have to.

S: Fine. You know what, we’ll do this one live kids, and uh, boy are you in for a treat.

B: I don’t know if I-

S: So there’s a note on the board when we came in. We’re to record an apology to you, the dear listeners and residents of King Falls.

B: Merv simply asked that we apologize for...creating a controversy at the 55th annual-

S: We talk about the news here. Relevant subjects that affect this town. What we don’t do, *wry laughter*, what we would never do, is apologize for trying to cover a breaking news story. A dead body at a public event that King Falls AM is covering is news.

B: Maybe Mayor Grisham went a little overboard kicking us out, I’m not saying he-

S: If I owned the station, if I owned the station I’d go after him. I mean, why isn’t Merv mad at Grisham, why is this on us? Have you even met Merv, Ben?

B: Yes. I mean, not in person, but, look, we have a show to keep on track. In a few minutes we’ll be speaking with both of the winners of the 55th annual bass tournament.

S: How about this, how about we open up the phone lines and talk about how the good Mayor Grisham is strong arming the media- *static*

Announcer: This Sunday evening at 7pm, we say goodbye to long time host of King Falls Sewing Corner, Esther Rollins, the way she would have wanted us to.

Esther Rollins: Talking about life, talking about love, and crocheting a mean doily while we’re at it.

A: While we will all miss Esther’s sweet stitchery tips and needlepoint mastery, we’ll miss Esther even more.

ER: We’ll darn your socks and maybe even darn your men to heck while we’re at it.

A: We’ll reminisce and play clips from Sewing Corners illustrious 24 year run. As well as a live music tribute from Esther’s favorite band.

*heavy metal music*

ER: Oh I just love these boys. All Possible States. Always remember, bad times never last, but badasses certainly do. We’ll see you soon King Falls.

A: Hopefully not too soon, Esther. 7pm, this Sunday. Help us say goodbye to King Falls most bitching granny.

*heavy metal music*

B: I didn’t cut you off Sammy!

S: Real mature, Ben.

B: You were looking right at me, I didn’t even touch the board. And you know Esther Rollins was slated for 4:32 am. I’d never-

S: Oh, okay, it must have been General Abilene, right?

B: You know he’s in Sweetzer Forest. Sheesh. Can’t we just take some calls, you’re killing me. Line six.

Cecil: Benjamin Arnold, Mr. Sheffield here. Why’re you on the radio?

B: Crap, bass tournament winners were scheduled for two minutes ago, uh, I’m gonna call the other.

S: Oh, so we can talk about the tournament, we just can’t talk about the dead body.

B: Sammy!

S: Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Mr. Cecil Sheffield to the show, cowinner of the 55th annual King Falls bass tourney.

B: It’s great to have you Mr. Sheffield.

C: It’s good to be talking to you fellas too. Ben, how’re your grades holding up this year?

B: Uhh...I’ve, *nervous laughter* I graduated already, several years ago.

C: No more late papers this semester Mr. Arnold!

S: Yeah Ben, no more late papers.

B: For those of you who don’t know, Mr. Sheffield was my history teacher at King Falls high school. Shouldn’t he be retired by now?

C: *singing* Rising mists, the gold and orange, grandly into the blue, reaches our dear alma mater-

S: *clapping* There you have it folks, Mr. Cecil Sheffield, winner of this year’s King Falls idol.

C: Go Falls! I really love talking to you guys.

B: And we...love talking to you.

S: How about we talk about the big win at the tournament, huh, you split the grand prize, $500 and a bass boat, is that correct?

C: Oh, it was awesome. Standing up there at the podium with my good friend Hershel. I’m happy to share the prize with such a great man. I haven’t gotten a chance to use the new boat-

B: And we’ve got Hershel Baumgardner.

S: Sorry to cut you off, Cecil, Hershel you’re live on King Falls-

H: You usurping, unsportsmanlike, son of a b**** filth. I know all of you were colluding against me this year. It’s a conspiracy!

S: I’m sorry, what now Mr. Baumgardner?

H: You know exactly what I’m talking about, big city!

B: We actually don’t Mr. Baumgardner.

H: Don’t mouth off to me you conspiring little bag of d****!

S: Hey, hey, Hershel, no one is conspiring against anybody here! You should be happy right now, this is what, your fourth time winning the tournament? Granted, lets be honest, the cadaver should probably give this one an asterisk.

B: 1989, 1992, and now back to back titles in 2014 and 2015, you're the first ever to have four titles!

H: Well, when you put it like that...I guess...I never thought of it that way...I was just so red faced about someone poking a hole in the bottom of my boat right after I caught my last fish. Old Cecil wouldn’t have come close if some boob stain hadn’t messed with my damn boat.

B: Kingsy got you!

H: It wasn’t Kingsy. That serpenty little b***.

C: Is that Hershel? How you doing buddy? I miss you. Why you don’t answer when I call?

H: Cecil! You cheating dog pecker, I’d knowed it was you that sunk my battleship, you couldn’t stand to have me win all by myself this year, you limp d*** drunkard!

B: Uh ha, we’re gonna have to ask you to watch your language, Mr. Baumgardner.

H: Now you listen here you motherf******- *dial tone*

S: Hello?

B: Sorry, Sammy, Merv’s already not happy, lets not have the FCC join him.

S: You know you’re getting real good with that dump button trigger finger tonight Ben. B: I told you I didn’t dump you. Hershel, yes, but not you.

S: You, *laughs*, you were so right about this full moon tonight Ben.

B: This is a nightmare.

S: Hey. I’m sorry, okay? I shouldn’t have gotten so fired up.

B: You and Hershel both. You know how hard I work on this schedule? Don’t...puppy dog eye me, Sammy!

S: Hey, I’m just trying to ice this apology cake buddy.

B: 6:20, you buy me a stack of pancakes at Rose’s Diner, and we’ll call it even.

S: Sounds like a plan. So, you’ve heard our story King Falls, now let's hear-

B: Good grief, we’ve got line two, he’s in a panic.

S: Aren’t we all? You’re on the air with Sammy and Ben, what can we-

Archie: No time for pleasantries, I need the law!

B: Sir, uh, 911 is probably your best bet.

S: Or maybe tweet Troy and #kingfalls911, I dunno.

A: You silly Sally’s, I’ve already called the deputy is on the way, but I’m having a terrible night and I don’t appreciate the two of you making it worse.

B: Wait, is this Archie Simmons?

A: The one and only.

B: Is there something wrong down at the Pomchi Palace?

S: Pomchi? What the hell is a pomchi?

A: Oh my god, read a book Sammy

B: It’s a dog breed, half pomeranian, half chihuahua.

S: Oh. So, Archie’s a professional dog breeder?

A: Best bitches in the tristate area!

B: That’s their motto.

A, to the dog: That’s a good baby, daddy loves you. Oh, what’s that, that angry mean werewolf violated you? Don’t you worry, daddy will make him pay!

S: Did he just say werewolf?

A: You bet your bottom dollar I did.

S: Ben, I...I can’t.

B: Tell us what’s going on, Archie.

A: Well, I live off of route 72, damn near out of town. It’s usually nice and quiet except for those damn trashy rednecks and their trailer park every damn Saturday night.

B: But, tonight it’s not nice and quiet?

A: Hell no! I woke up to the most god awful squalling. I mean, it sounded like a freight train hit a barrel of screaming billy goats. Half a step below a damn eight *** bottle rocket.

B: That is vivid.

S: Dare I say, was it a half man half wolf?

B: Good job Sammy.

S: Please don’t encourage this.

A: It was so terrible a noise. I thought I might have dreamed it, but then I heard it again.

S: Go on.

A: So I threw on my slippers and went running towards the back of the house. And I’m scared, because I just paid, well I paid a bundle, for a couple of these new pomchi bitches. So I’m worried that maybe Rufus, that’s my labradoodle-

S: Labrado-

B: Labrador poodle mix.

A: Dammit, google it fellas, and keep up! I’m worried that Rufus has maybe snuck in the backyard and roughed up the new pomchis, so I rush towards the back, and Rufus is in the Florida room, just a growling mind you, so it wasn’t him. So I burst open the back door and what do I see?

B: What, uhh, what did you see?

A: I see a half man, half dog bent over hunching the hell out of my $2400 Princess Von Barktooth.

B: Not Princess Von Barktooth!

S: Okay, so you run outside in your slippers and you see some skeezy pervert and he’s got your dog.

A: In the biblical sense! But the man was a werewolf.

S: Are we really talking about wolfman werewolves here? I’m sorry, Ben.

A: You shouldn’t be sorrying to Ben, he’s not the one who’s been sodomized by a damn man wolf. And now I gotta stay up all night watching the princess and dealing with the law. Lord knows I’m worried that leads to long term emotional distress or worse. And we can just throw out winning the Westminster trophy. That was not in our five year plan!

B: I have to...what was the five year plan?

A: Princess Von Barktooth is supposed to fall in love with another purebred pomchi who sweeps her off her feet, holds open all the doggy doors for her, and shares all his treats. Isn’t that right little princess? *barking*

S: This is just silly. I mean, it was obviously just a creep with serious issues, not a mythical-

A: Are you calling me a liar? *howling in the background* I saw that abomination with my own two baby blues.

B: Sammy likes to look at these paranormal events from all angles, Archie.

A: Well the angle that I saw it at was a g-d crime against humanity and dogmanity alike. The beastman looked at me, evil in his eyes, and desire in his heart, tossed my princess like a ragdoll, howled at the moon like the wretched demon that he is, and scampered off.

B: Uh, Archie, have you had issues with the werewolves before?

A: Oh my gosh who hasn’t? Old Dylan ‘Hillbilly’ Baxter used to pepper buckshot those chicken thieving shapeshifting sons of bitches.

S: Brass tacks here, is Princess Von Barktooth okay?

A: Needless to say, we’re more than a bit shaken by this turn of events.

S: Have you looked into silver bullets? Ebay, Amazon Prime?

A: You come out here the next full moon you sassy Sally, and I’ll show you more werewolves than you can shake a d*** at. *sirens in the background* Oh, I just heard deputy Troy pull up, I gotta go boys. *hang up sound*

B: Uh, thanks for letting all of us know that there’s been some activity on the wolf front Archie.

S: This is just too much. Look, stay safe Archie, listening public. I’m not saying that there’s werewolves on the loose-

B: There are.

S: Ben. Everyone stay safe, there’s definitely something in the air tonight.

B: Oh no. Sammy, can you take line one?

S: Do I even wanna ask?

Finn: Sammy! Ben! It’s bad. It’s real bad, y’know?

S: Are you alright, Finn?

F: I didn’t even see him coming! Must have ran headlong into the truck on my blind side.

S: Who did? What’s going on?

B: Finn hit a dog, off route 72.

S: You’re f***ing kidding me.

F: This poor little guy, I feel so bad, y’know? Actually, he’s not that little…

B: Finn, are you still in your truck?

F: Oh yeah, but I stopped it when I hit the fella. I’m shaking something awful here.

S: I think you should start the truck up and just keep on moving.

F: I think he’s still alive. I’m gonna have to do the right thing and check this out Sammy.

B: Sammy’s right-

F: I’m outside the truck, heading back towards the pooch.

S: Get back in the truck Finn! Uh, y‘know, because it could be a coyote or something, not a were, y’know.

F: Oh my, this poor fella don’t look too good. This looks, WHOA NOW!

B: Move your maple loving ass Finn!

F: It’s too late, running at me boys! What f***?

S: Finn? Finn?