Sammy: And thanks so much to Vernon from Vernon’s Vermin Vestibule for that thorough and intense interview. Ben:

And those slides he brought in. I didn’t need to see that. Sammy:

You and me both, Ben. So, changing gears here, we’re just gonna take a quick pause for the cause. We’ll be right back to take your calls, King Falls. Ben:

So much rhyming. Sammy:

424-279-3858. HFBIII:

Ladies and gentlemen, I am Howard Ford Beauregard III, and I implore you, dare I say demand that you turn off this radio station post haste. King Falls AM used to be a place that you could trust your ears to; wholesome, family-oriented, fair, and balanced. Now it’s ran by dirty lying filth mongerers spreading rumor and dissent throughout our peaceful community. Samuel Stevens and Benjamin Arnold should be proclaimed Public Enemy Number One. In all my years, all my family’s years in our idyllic town, I can’t recall anyone being allowed to disparage our good name so openly and freely until the fertile lands of distrust … Friends, please heed my advice, turn off this impurity. Let me save you from the mire and muck King Falls AM fills you with. Do yourself a favor. Go outside, breathe the fresh mountain air, go read a book. Perhaps an e-book, more so, the e-book King of King Falls by yours truly. Be well, compatriots! End this transmission, Celestia! Sammy:

You gotta be sh[bleep]ng me. Ben:I hate that guy but ads pay the bills, Sammy. Sammy:

We’re not gonna have bills without a show, Ben! Ben:

You don’t think this has anything to do with him coming in the studio a few weeks back, do you? Sammy:

Oh, of course not, whatever could have put that bee in his bonnet?

Ben:

I’m just saying maybe he hated us before we kicked him out of the studio and insinuated he was Lord Vampire. Sammy:

[sigh] Moving forward. Ben:

Board is lit up, Sammy, let’s take some calls. You’re live on King Falls AM Pete:

Samuel Stevens, Benjamin Arnold. Sammy:

Oh this is gonna be good, uh, you’re live. Pete:

You two heathens can kiss my ass and this listener goodbye. Treating Mr Beauregard like that! I will never listen to this filth again!

Ben:

Go watch channel 13 then! We don’t want you to listen! Sammy:

Ben, don’t take it personally. Obviously Beauregard is a... trusted personality in this town, and he’s gonna have some sway with people, but it’s funny we’ve not had one complaint in the two weeks since that crackpot was on the show. Ben:

Power of media man, bringing out all these sheeple. Sammy: Alright, line eight, welcome to King Falls – Pete: Beauregard’s right, this is filth! SAMMY Okay, sir, what exactly is the issue with this show? Pete:

You muckrakers! I don’t recall King Falls being so damn torn apart before you came into town, Sammy! Sammy:

I’m just doing my job, I was hired to fill this time slot with news and information that – Ben:

Who is this? Pete:

None of your damn business, Ben! Ben:

Pete Meyers? Come on, man! Pete:

Nooo. It’s not! Ben:

Yeah, it is. Would you like to explain to everyone why Beauregard’s gardener is calling in? Pete:

Don’t go working your voodoo on me, alright? I’m just stating my opinion. I’m never listening to 660 again. King of King Falls, buy the ebook! Sammy:

Folks we’re open minded here on 660, we listen to you and talk about the things that you care about. I’m sorry if a vocal minority that we’ve offended but – Ben:

Line four, you’re live with Sammy and Ben. Tim:

Is this King Falls AM? Sammy:

You’re live, sir. [feedback] Ben:

Whoa! Uh, the feedback! Uh turn off your radio, sir! Sammy:

Ah, you know, I hate to do this, but that feedback is just too much. Give us a call back and – Tim:

Don’t- don’t hang up, please, don’t hang up! Sammy: Who is this? Tim:

It’s Tim- Tim Jensen? Ben:

TIM! Where are you? Tim:

[feedback] Hello? Ben:

Tim can you hear us? You’re on with Sammy and Ben. Are you okay? Tim:

I’m alive. Please tell my wife that I – Ben:

You’re breaking up, Tim. Uh where, where are you? We’ll come to get you right now – Tim:

I’m okay, please don’t stop – Sammy:

Ben can you call – Ben:

Troy’s on hold. Tim:

They’re- they’re doing so many operations on me. Please help me. Sammy:

Tell us where you are, Tim. We’ll send help immediately. Ben: TIM! Tim: I love my wife, Mary. I miss my kids… King Falls, please help me! [static] Sammy: Tim! Tim, can you hear us? [dial tone] Ben:

He’s gone. Deputy Troy, you’re live. Troy:

I heard him, fellas. Without a shadow of a doubt, that was Tim. Sammy:

You know I don’t know what to make of it, Troy, is there anything you can do? Troy:

Ben texted me all the info he had on the call but. It ain’t making any sense. Has he called since you know, the uh, the disappearance? Sammy:

Not to us. I- you know I just couldn’t make out a lot of what he was saying. Ben:

Lot of interference from something, or… someone. Sammy:

He said Mary, right? Ben:

You think we should? Sammy:

Oh God, no. God. We wouldn’t wanna put that poor lady on the spot with something like this. I mean she’s been through so much already – I mean, that could have been anyone, right? Ben:

That was Tim, Sammy. Troy:

I wish there were something more we could do, boys, but I don’t even know where to start. I was just listening to the show in Rose’s Diner and… I couldn’t believe it. Dollars to donuts that dispatch is gonna be lighting up tonight, boys. I’m gonna go finish my French cruller and make the rounds. I’ll catch you later, boys. [dial tone] Sammy:

Line one, you’re on King Falls AM. Cynthia:

Sammy? Ben? Ben:

You got us, ma'am. Cynthia:

Was that just Tim Jensen on the air? Ben:

We… we believe it was. We- we don’t wanna cause an uproar here

Sammy:

Per usual. Ben:

But we have every reason to believe so. Uh do, do you have any information about Tim? Cynthia:

I do not. I was calling to voice my concerns about him coming back from God knows where. Ben:

Is this Cynthia Higgenbaum? Cynthia:

It’s Mrs. Higgenbaum to you, Ben, and thanks for broadcasting my info all over the tri-state. Sammy:

Cynthia, you say you have some concerns about Tim being found? Why? Cynthia:

Concerns would be putting it mildly. Sammy:

Okay he’s a missing man, Cynthia. He’s been officially gone without a trace for over three months! Cynthia:

Oh don’t give me that official line of horse hockey! We all know good and well he got picked up by the lights off 72. Sammy:

With all due respect – Ben:

He was abducted, Sammy. You know it, I know it, Cynthia knows it. The X Files, this ain’t. They got him. Sammy:

Okay, let’s just hold it together folks Ben:

But for goodness sake, Cynthia, why in the world would you have an issue if we finally found him? Sammy:

You know, I’m just happy to hear that he’s alive. We all should be. Cynthia:

Yeah, yeah he’s alive, hooray and such. But I’m gonna level with you boys. Sammy:

Uh-huh. Cynthia:

I don’t want Tim coming back into this community after gallivanting around the galaxy for three damn months with aliens or what-have-you. Who knows what kind of diseases he’s bringing back? Sammy:

Oh stop it! Cynthia: Martian measles, Pluto pox, who can say? I don’t want my kids around that. Does Obamacare even cover Jupiter jaundice? Doubtful!

Ben: Cynthia, I think bringing Tim home safe and sound is of the utmost importance. Cynthia: You gonna pay my doctor bills? I didn’t think so. Sammy: Cynthia, we are talking about a man. Cynthia:

We are talking about some weird sh[bleep]t Tim is bringing back, by golly. I know Tim. I worked with Tim for a few years, and he’s a nice enough guy. But he’s not nice enough to let his Ground Control to Major Tom ass quarantine my babies at Area 51. Priorities! Ben:

Sammy, Mary Jensen is on line five. Sammy:

I’m sorry, Cynthia, we have to take this. Cynthia:

Oh, good. I’m gonna go check my shelter and inventory my air filters. I suggest doing the same. [Dial tone] Ben: Mary Jensen. Sammy: Hi Mary, this is Sammy and Ben at King Falls AM. Mary: Hi Sammy. Hi Ben. Ben: Mary have you… have you been listening to the broadcast tonight? Mary: I was. That’s why I called. Since Tim’s been gone I-I don’t know which way is up. My sleep has been turned around, the kids… Ben:

I’m sorry, Mary. Mary: I wanna thank you two, Sammy and Ben, for all you’ve done during this ordeal. Sammy: We don’t have to get into that. Mary:

No I think we do. I know that there are people that think that you two shouldn’t be on the air, but since Tim has been gone, you guys at the station have checked on my and the kids at least once a week. You’ve made donations. Ben even took the kids to the library last week so I could have time to myself! Sammy:

You’re a sweetheart, Ben, and to the library no less! Ben: Don’t. Mary: I know you want Tim back in my arms almost as much as I do. Sammy:

Mary, I wish we had more to tell you but you heard exactly what we did. Mary:

I just thank God, whomever is up there, that he’s still alive. He sounded okay right? Didn’t he sound okay? Sammy:

He didn’t sound hurt. Ben:

We appreciate the kind words, but that can’t be what you called for. Mary:

It wasn’t the only reason but um, make no mistake about this: The Jensens stand with you two no matter what. Sammy:

Thank you, Mary. I mean it’s obvious that Tim has reached out to us for a reason. You’ve told us in the past that he absolutely loved listening to Chet’s Jazz Corner and loved King Falls AM in general. Let’s hope he’s listening to you now, Mary. What would you like Tim to know? Mary:

[sniffle]That, um, we’re okay, Tim. Please don’t worry about us. [sniffle] And I- I know he will anyway but, we are okay. We are safe. We are home, but [sniffle] home isn’t home without you. I love you, Tim. [sniffle] I know without a doubt that one day you’ll be back with us. I can’t wait for that day, but I will wait. Please be okay. Please be safe. [sniffle] Sammy:

Our thoughts are with you, Mary, and Tim. Mary:

My- my little one is up. Can she say something, Sammy? Sammy:

Please, of course, by all means. Mary:

Come on, sweetie, Daddy’s listening. Bella:

Daddy? Mary:

He called Mr. Ben and Mr. Sammy tonight. Bella: Daddy! Sammy: He’s listening right now, tell him whatever you’d like. Bella: I love you. Please come home, I don’t want Mommy to cry anymore. Mary: Thank you Sammy, Ben, King Falls. Sammy: If you need anything, you just let us know. Mary:

Yeah, of course. Sorry, bye. Sammy: Tim, if you’re listening, godspeed. Ben: Sorry to interrupt, Sammy, line twelve. Sammy: Good evening, you’re live on King Falls AM. Riley: Please hold the line for Mayor Grisham. Sammy:

Hey, I wanna talk to you! I have got a bone to pick with you! Hello? Riley:

Mayor, you’re on with Sammy and Ben.

Grisham:

Boys, boys, come on. Are we live? Sammy: Mayor Grisham, you have five seconds before this call self destructs. Grisham:

It’s my understanding that Tim Jensen just reached out to you guys. Ben: Five, four, three, two Grisham: I come in peace, guys. I’m sure you two will get everything you can regarding the call to Sheriff Gundersen’s office. I just want to say thank you for being there for Tim still in his time of need. Sammy: You have my curiosity, Mayor. Ben:

Sammy, my horsesh[bleep]t radar’s off the charts right now. It’s, it’s hitting Seabiscuit levels. Sammy: Did you just bleep yourself? Ben: Yeah, I mean, come on, man. You want fines on top of trouble, too? Grisham: I’ll be as friendly as a penpal, gents. I just wanted to speak to King Falls. That is, if you two will allow me. Ben: Horsesh[bleep]t radar is still solidly at circus pony. I- I don’t know if this is a good idea. Sammy: You know, you’re ridiculous. And generally I would agree, Ben, but this is for Tim. The floor is reluctantly all yours, Mayor. Grisham:

[podcast music]

P: Well that’s why you’re a damn fool, Sammy.

S: Pete, I thought you weren’t listening to King Falls AM ever again?

P: Oh, you’d like that wouldn’t you. Nobody keeping you on the straight and narrow, you roughed up rascal. I’ve got just the mind to stop.

S: Of course you do, Pete.

P: Don’t push me, ‘cause I’m close to the eeeeeedge.

S: Okay, you know what, the hotline is ringing, Pete, I gotta let you go buddy.

P: Say what? I’m done? Are you kidding me? I’m f***ing destroying your Yelp page, alright? I got homies on Yahoo Answers that are gonna hear about this, it’s gonna go straight down the grapevine, and you’re going-*hang up noise*

S: Hey Ben?

B: Hey Sammy! This is weird, huh?

S: For those of you just joining us, local King Falls apparition expert and our beloved co host Ben Arnold-

B: Oh, stop.

S: -is not in the station with me this evening, but is actually conducting an on site interview-

B: And investigation, don’t forget that part, Sammy.

S: -and investigation, with Dan and Larry of the TV show Mission Apparition, down at the King Falls Public Library. Y’know, Ben, of all the weird kooky places that are…’haunted’, why did you pick-

B: Dude, they just pulled in with their fancy van right before I called? *laughing* I think they're bringing out the  goofy goggles and some proton packs. Who you gonna call?

Emily: *In the background* Ghostbusters!

S: Oh. Emily Potter. Y'know, I didn’t expect you here.

B: Duh! How else was I gonna get in the library for this? I don’t think old Mrs. Kilpatrick was gonna come let us in. Jeez.

S: I was being sarcastic, Ben. Maybe you didn’t notice because you were blinded by lo-

B: Don’t.

S: So you've been at the library all evening long with Emily, while I’ve been here scrambling by myself in studio?

B: You know I had to set up for the interview. There’s a lot of work that goes into this. Y’know how hard it is to set up a remote? *scoffing laughter* This has not been all horseplay.

S: Just some horseplay.

B: Not a lick, I mean, none. Y’know how serious I am about prep.

S: You’re right.

E: Hi Sammy.

S: Hi Emily.

E: Did you tell him that joke you told me Benny? Tell it to Sammy.

B: I stand by my previous statement.

S: Of course you do.

*knocking in the background*

B: Oh! They’re here! *humming the ghostbusters theme*

E: I’ll go let them in.

B: *still humming* Ghostbusters!

*door opening and closing*

S, with Ben still humming in the background: Folks, maybe you're thinking my esteemed colleague has just been down at the closed library with the girl he lov-

B: Sammy! Can we just do this later?

S: Only if you tell me that joke, Ben.

B: Huh. Uh huh. Hey! I’m Ben, with King Falls AM, thanks for coming.

Larry: What up, Ben. I’m Larry, and this is my partner Dan, and together we are-

Larry and Dan together: Mission Apparition!

B: That. Is, a very synchronized introduction, guys.

Dan: Thanks, Ben. Sooooo...this is the King Falls Public Library, huh? Very nice.

L: Creepy, man!

E: Hi, I’m Emily Potter. I’m the head librarian here. Thank you so much for coming to check the place out! It’s...been a trying few months, with the uh, the spirits we have here at odds with one another.

D: Not a problem at all. Anything to ease the minds of the dearly departed.

B: Jeez. Us! Jesus. You guys should do a Jerusalem episode.

D: Y’know, the ratings said yes, but then homeland security actually said no. You can thank Larry and a funky batch of Ayahuasca for that.

L: Maybe in 3-5.

S: As Ben said, thank you guys so much for joining us live here on King Falls AM, that’s 660 on the AM dial. It’s a pleasure to have you on tonight.

D: *clearing throat* Uh, is this Sammy Stevens?

S: That it is. Y’know we-

D: Y’know I notice that you aren't here live after your big email writing skills, Sammy. You afraid of what we’ll find tonight? Or of looking Mission Apparition in the eyes after your disparaging remarks?

S: *clears throat* Okay, you know that, actually wasn’t-

B: *very deliberately clearing his throat*

S: Yes. Let’s go with that, either one of them.

B: Thanksm Sammy.

L: I’ve got the gear Dan. Where, where do we start?

B: Oh we can head over to the-

D: Listen to the lovely Miss Emily, we are indeed guests in your den of enlightenment.

B: *sighing*

E: Ben has an interview area set up, right over here. Maybe we should start there first, Ben?

B: That’d be-

D: That’d be terrific, Emily. After you.

B: *scoffing* Did you guys find us alright? Tonight?

L: Man, you wouldn’t believe it. We got awful lost coming up the mountain, I mean, turned around for something stupid like twenty? Twenty five minutes?

D: That’s right, GPS right? I mean, sometimes you can’t trust technology to steer you straight. You just have to navigate, with your heart. Isn’t that right, Emily?

B: But maybe if you steer with your heart too much, it will lead you to that weird shaman from Temple of Doom and you lose your heart.

S: What Ben was trying to say was, uh Sweetzer Forest, that’s where you guys were, right?

L: Hell yeah it was.

B: Maybe if you did your homework, you’d know it’s another one of those spirits here in King Falls. General Abilene, back in-

D: Oh, that makes sense. He leads travelers away from the bloodiest massacre in King Falls history.

E: That's right, Dan. You really studied up.

B: Yeah. Dan. Good job. Really. So good.

S: You know what, everybody, just to keep us on schedule, I think we’re gonna take a real quick break, you guys can get settled in, and after the break then we’ll take some calls.

L: Looking forward to it bros! And, and broette.

S: Ladies and gents, we’ll be right back after this message from our sponsor.

Rich McGuff: Rich McGuff’s Leather Bound Books isn’t your normal neighborhood bookstore. Think of it more as rustic but magical menagerie of information. Sweet, succulent, knowledge. Knowledge that can only be found in a first edition leather bound book. I know what you’re thinking, there’s second edition books. Third edition books. Hell, there’s even fourth edition books. But come on, at that point you’re basically reading hieroglyphics, etched into petrified road apples. First edition leather bound books are where it’s at. There’s nothing better in the world than feeling the leather luxury, the spine of a first edition book, can provide in your silky soft hands. And there’s no better place to find the book you need, dare I say desire? Than Rich McGuff’s Leather Bound Books. From Dr. Seuss to Dr. Love, we’ve got you covered. Pun intended. Rich McGuff’s Leather Bound Books, because you f***ing deserve it.

[KFAM music]

S: You're back with Sammy and Ben, and we’ve got a special treat for you tonight. Our very own Ben Arnold is with Emily Potter at the King Falls Public Library, interviewing Dan and Larry, from the astoundingly popular hit tv show, Mission Apparition.

D: Sunday nights at 8, on spook tv, channel 13.

S: Dan. Larry. Now, you gentlemen have one of the top TV programs in the nation, and I venture to say that you’ve seen probably about everything one could imagine. What would you say is the craziest thing you’ve seen?

L: Ooh, Sammy, this one time, up in Cougarneck-

D: You know, we….don’t ever say that things are crazy in our line of work, Sammy. We’re dealing with souls that don’t know where they are, or why they’re here. Astral projections trapped in a physical world. Lost. scared. Crazy is not part of the equation.

B: So on your show,

Dan and Larry: Mission Apparition.

B: Right! Uh, well the show oddly gets massive ratings, there are uh a lot of detractors, critics, and viewers saying there isn’t really any science behind your work, and that basically you guys are just, well, uh, shysters.

D: Oh, yeah, right, shysters, like old Sammy up in the studio. Right?

S: Y’know, I didn’t really write-

B: Sammy. Let the guest answer. Please.

L: The show speaks for itself, y’know Ben? Dan and I, share a love for the paranormal world and, we just wanna know the how and the why of these lost souls and do what we can to get them back to where they belong.

D: Larry. You eloquent son of a b****. I just teared a little in my tear hole.

E: Aww. I love that you two take your job so seriously.

B: *frustrated noise*

S: Would you guys be cool with taking some phone calls?

D: We would absolutely love speaking with our fans. Bring it on, Benedict Samuel.

B: Sorry, Sammy.

S: Uh huh.

B: Give us a call here, folks, and speak with world renown paranormal experts *laughing* sorry, Dan and Larry, from Mission Apparition. 424-279-3858

S: Or you can tweet us @kingfallsam and we’ll pass on your questions and comments.

D: What’s that perfume you’re wearing, Emily? It exquisite.

E: Oh, do you like it, it’s Clinique-

B: Expensive! Someone who must really care for her must have gotten that for her birthday, after she said “hey, that’s too much for a bottle of perfume, Ben”, but then they did it anyway, because she means that much and more to them.

D: It’s nice.

B: Yeah! Oh, it’s nice!

S: Okay. So, the phone lines are lighting up, let's give lucky line one a try, good evening, you’re on with Mission Apparition.

Doyle: Oh yeah, baby, I’m just loving the show boys. All them spooks.

Multiple: Apparitions.

S: And who’re we speaking with?

DB: This is Doyle, Doyle Bevins. How you doing Sammy?

S: Real well, Doyle.

DB: How y’all doing this evening, Mission Apparition ?

D: Doing just fine, sir. Do you have a question for us?

DB: You better believe it. So I live up the street, in old Hollybrook.

L: We aren’t from here, so I’m not exactly sure where Hollybrook-

Db: Hey. Hey. hey. Can I finish Larry? Can I finish?

S: Lets stay on topic, Doyle. So do you have a question for the team?

DB: Ten four, Shotgun. So I got this apartment up the ways, right?

D: We’re following, Doyle

DB: Well sometimes, late at night, I get this real hungry feeling all rumbling around in my tummy, even though I already ate, right? So I go preheat my little toaster oven-

B: Doyle. Come on, man.

DB: And whoopadopa! That thing’ll snap right shut up on me, just a growling like grrrrmrmmmrrrr and it won’t open up for the life of me. Just got my hot pocket stuck in there like it’s in the toast oven purgatory, fellas.

S: Is it the crazies-

DB: Craziest thing you ever saw, boys.

B: Can we take another caller Sammy?

D: Excuse me, it was Doyle, correct?

DB: You got it, bossman.

D: Are you saying that your toaster is experiencing a haunting?

DB: Don’t you know it.

D: Y’know, Doyle, it it’s not uncommon in our line of work to see this. When you look at the toaster oven, how does that make you feel?

DB: It just makes me sad, bro. Trapping up like that. I just wanna work with it, make some goodies. Teamwork, universal harmony, bros.

D: Next time one of these late night experiences happen, look at it. I mean, I mean really look at the toaster and say these simple words. “I forgive you. You can go home”

DB: That is heartbreaking Danny boy.

D: I believe you’re gonna see a world of difference.

*hang up noise*

S: Thanks for the call, Doyle.

B: Maybe if anyone has any other, um, I don’t know, real things? That happen with spirits, give us a call.

D: Don’t downplay Ben, you can’t be too careful. You should be thankful it’s not your toaster that we’re talking about.

S: Line four, you’re on King Falls AM.

Troy, unenthusiastically: Hey Sammy. Ben. Emily. Dan. Larry.

S: Hey Troy, how ya holding up, buddy?

T: I’m okay. Just wanted to call in and tell Dan and Larry I’m a big fan.

B: You off duty, Troy?

T: Yeah, Ben, I’m off duty.

B: I was asking because, I’m worried about what the mayor said, not, to rub your nose in it, man.

T: I’m sorry Ben, I’m just touchy like my great uncle Herb.

S: We’re really sorry about the mess we’ve put you in, Troy.

T: Shucks, it ain’t nothing on you fellas. I just need to be more responsible with my time while I’m an officer of the law. Says Sheriff Gunderson and newly introduced municipal code 4.02.051.

S: You know what, we’ll talk real soon, Troy. We do have Dan and Larry here, if you’d like to-

T: Just a big fan of you, boys. Mission Apparition is can’t miss in the Kriegshauser household.

D: And we appreciate it, deputy.

L: Yeah man, thanks for watching the show.

T: Keep on doing good work, guys. Sammy. Ben. I’ll talk at you soon.

B: Bye Troy.

T: Bye, Ben.

*hang up noise*

S: Thanks for the call, Troy. Take care. Line ten, you’re on with Sammy and Ben.

Greg: Hey Sammy, it’s Greg Frickard.

S: Hey Greg, nice hearing from you. Are you a big fan of Dan and Larry’s show?

G: Yeah...not really, no. Granny doesn’t like the jump scares at her age, so I don’t get a lot of time to watch the old boob tube to myself. I was actually calling to see if I could speak to Emily? If that’s okay?

B: We, we, uhh, we’ve got a bad connection, Sammy, you’re, you’re, you’re breaking up, I can’t hardly-

E: I’m here! How’re you doing, Greg?

B: Are you serious, Greg?

G: Well, heyyyy, hi Emily, I’m a big fan of your work.

D: Um, sir? Are you talking to Emily, or are you talking to Mission Apparition?

G: I’m speaking to Miss Potter, slimer. Do you mind?

B: Can he please stay on topic, or go to another call, Sammy?

E: Ben...it’s alright. Did you say you were a big fan?

G: Oh yeah! I really think you’re doing some amazing things. *stammering* Down at the library. Uh, the reference sections reshelving? Really kind of makes the back area of the second floor pop.

E: You think so? I didn’t think anybody noticed.

G: Oh. I noticed. It’s really nice. You’ve got a great eye.

S: Greg. We appreciate you calling in, but the Mission Apparition guys are about to do a little investigation down at the library themselves.

B: And not the ‘hiding behind the Encyclopedia Britannica’ kind, Greg.

G: Oh, sure thing Sammy. Can you just give me one second?

B: Lets cut it off, Sam?

S: Umm...sure.

E: What’s on your mind, Greg?

G: Emily. I’ve been studying you from afar for, well, longer than I’d like to admit.

E: Oh. Okay. Thank you?

B: *clearing his throat?*

G: And I know you’re pretty good friends with Ben there, but, I’ll be honest, I’d really like the chance to court you myself. Ben said you two were only pals…

E: You know, Greg, you sound like a really nice guy, and I’ve actually been down to Granny Frickards-

G: Oh, man, that’s, wow, I’m happy to hear that. And I am a nice guy!

D: Guys, I am, I’m so sorry to break up the love fest that’s happening here, *Ben choking in the background* is Ben okay?

G: Look, I’m just putting it all out there, Emily. And I don’t need an answer now, but I just think you’re the most beautiful thing in all of King Falls. And I would regret it for all of my days, if I didn’t do my darndest to tell you how I feel.

E: Oh...wow...uh, I, that’s...really sweet, Greg. I think maybe that’s something we can- *crashing, Emily gasping*

L: It’s got him! Holy s***! *Ben choking* It’s got him!

E: *gasp* Oh my god! Ben!

S: What’s going on? Is everything okay, guys? Ben?

g: You tell me, Sammy, sheesh. A man staples his heart to his to his sleeve-

B: Oh god!

G: -and all I hear about is-

S: Greg, we’re gonna have to talk to you later. We’ve got a situation, it seems.

G: I love you Emily!

*hang up noise*

E: Somebody do something! Hang on, Ben!

B: *struggling in the background*

S: Guys, what is going on?

E: Put him down! Right now! I mean it!

D: Yes! Do what she says, you magnificent ethereal being!

L: Sammy, it’s Larry, you gotta call your deputy buddy, it’s getting crazy here! The phantasm, it’s choking Ben!

S: Okay, I’m sorry, what was that again? I thought you said-

L: Some sort of see through figure is choking the hell out of your buddy Ben. Then he picked him up, ten feet in the air, and I can’t watch, it’s too much!

D: You put that man down there this instant, John Wilkes Booth!

S: Okay, did somebody just say John Wilkes Booth?

B: *still choking and struggling in the background* You….racist!

L: He’s, he’s gonna, he’s throwing Ben!

E: Sammy, please call Deputy Troy!

*rushing wind*

L: He got loose, Ben got loose!

B, out of breath: What the f*** is going on here!

S: Ben! Are you okay? What-

B: Larry, get the doors open, we’ve gotta get out of here.

E: Ben? I was so scared, are you okay?

B: I, I’m okay, we’ve gotta get out of the library, s*** is hitting the fan, Sammy, I was pacing back away from the group and that mustachioed son of a b**** grabbed me

S: Ben, please be careful, I just texted Troy, I think he’s heading up there right now. You don’t have to stay on the air, get out of there.

D: Four scores and a five dollar bill, that’s Abraham Lincoln.

S: What?!

L: President A. Lincoln has got a big ass gun, we’ve gotta go, Dan.

B: Emily, stay down. President Lincoln has a ghost gatling gun, man. I think he’s about to blow Boothe to hell and back.

D: Oh s***, yeah, that’s a gatling gun

L: The door’s open, Dan. You gotta get the hell away from there. Move your ass, let's scoot!

D: Larry, Larry, get back here right now! We gotta film this, Larry, grab the camera!

B: Emily, let’s go, Sammy we’ve gotta split, I don’t know how ghost bullets work, but I don’t wanna stick around to find out.

S: Get out of there, Ben, be careful.

D: No no no wait, don’t shoot Mr. President, camera isn’t on yet! Mr. President, we’re on the same page here, this guy shot you, in a theater, you should be angry, you should be furious, this gatling gun should be going when we hit the rolls, you should be going, on the mark, on your mark, no no nonono! Pull back, pull back Mr. President, we aren’t rolling yet, we aren’t rolling, NOOOO!