#fzm

Today I’m officially 3 years on T. 3 years filled with up and downs. There were moments when I cried at the top of my lungs and moments when I danced around my house singing Disney songs giving all I had. It wasn’t always easy and I know that it will never be but life goes on and everything will get better in the end. People left me on my journey, some threw rocks in my way and some hold me tight and whispered in my ear that everything will be fine. In the end all that matters is that I’m still alive and that I’ve become the person who I always wanted to be. A content one. I hope with that transition pic I can give some of you hope. T is not an all-round solution but it makes life so much easier and enjoyable. Before T I had the wish to die, now I have the wish to stay alive. 

I'm a little over 1,5 months on T and even though I'm thrilled I finally am, I still struggle mentally for the following reason:

I put a lot of pressure on myself to change "fast enough" so people can see and hear some changes when they see me again. I know it's stupid and I can't influence the speed of the process at all but I just can't help it.I feel like I'm not only disappointing myself but also every one around me if my voice hasn't cracked or my facial structure hasn't changed or whatever until the next meeting and it's exhausting and doesn't help with my confidence at all.

To some extent I even feel like I have to prove myself with these changes to those I came out to long before. Like you need evidence in a criminal process instead of only a couple testimonies or something, you know?

Vor 3 Jahren habe ich Ihn über das Internet kennen gelernt und die Interesse an dieser Person war sofort spürbar, nach ungefähr einem Jahr mit fast täglichem Schreiben vertraute er mir sein wohl größtes Geheimnis an und erklärte mir dass er Transsexuell sei, ich hatte damit überhaupt nicht gerechnet trotz Pre-T dachte ich zu jeder Zeit, dass er auch ein biologischer Mann sei, wusste aber, dass ich Gefühle für diesen Menschen entwickelt hatte. Wenige Monate später wurden wir ein Paar und von seinem ganzen Transweg bekam ich eine Menge mit und versuche ihn nach wie vor zu unterstützen, wo es mir möglich ist.

Sitting together with two female fellow students, who don't know I'm trans. I'm coming back from the bathroom...

A: We just talked about women stuff, I guess you don't wanna talk about it? *laughing*

N: Or how do you feel on your period? *laughing*

Me: *laughing like a nervous fuck, pretending Idk a thing* Idk, I guess it hurts badly ah...

A & N: ...