#fukazawa

He was a menace to be around. Always trying to prod you with irrelevant questions, as if bothered that he wasn’t the only enigmatic one in the room. Though your conversations were far from friendly, you felt he was the only one there you truly resonated with.

And that terrified you. Because Dazai wasn’t the most stable man alive.

So you kept your distance. Even if he was the only flame burning—one that stayed hidden, buried somewhere inside you. The only ember of interest.

And the bastard didn’t look bad either. Not that your thoughts about that were all that innocent. After all, you were still human. And a good fuck from time to time did wonders for one’s state of mind.

Unlucky for you, most of your experiences had taught you that it wasn’t even worth the effort.

Failures, every one of them. Usually ending with you finishing yourself off, alone. Not even a spark.

Maybe there had been one boy… Nicholas? Nikolai? Something had been more… interesting there. But you weren’t insane enough to go down that rabbit hole.

Your gaze drifted into nothingness, focused on that exact kind of thought. Though the space you were in, the empty space, was occupied by Dazai’s body. Your eyes might have been unfocused, lost in space, but you couldn’t lie.

You had looked for too long at that stupid cream coat of his. And what might possibly be hidden under it.

Dazai had one leg crossed over the other, hands resting loosely, and his smirk was the first thing you saw when you finally blinked out of your trance at the sound of his voice.

“I can’t tell whether you want to kill me or devour me with your eyes. Both seem equally flattering.”

You widened your eyes slightly, catching yourself and scoffing, rolling them with practiced disdain before turning back toward your desk chair.

“Fuck off.”

“Oh, I’m hurt. And here I thought we were getting along.”

“Not a chance.”

His smirk didn’t fade. He kept staring at your back as he stood from the couch, pretending he had something important to do. You both knew it was a lie.

With his hands in his pockets, Dazai whistled lazily as he exited the room. It made your right eye twitch.

Right. Now you could think in peace. Or rather, dissociate.

You weren’t sure since when, but something in your mind had been unraveling.

Trained to follow Fukuzawa’s orders, and not in a way you’d complain about, because he remained someone you admired, you’d managed to avoid thinking about your own self for years. And it showed.

Not knowing who you were, you began to vent your aimless frustrations into a range of destructive habits. Cutting contact with anyone who got too close. Hiding indoors as often as possible. Drinking more than you should. And the sex part… well, that had disappeared months ago. Still, you couldn’t care less.

But you couldn’t say there hadn’t been moments, fleeting ones, when something in the world made you believe life might still be worth living.

Even Dazai, in his own deranged way.

Even now, when you were reading a comfort book. One you always turned to when things became unbearable. And there he was again.

Dazai. Invading your personal space without asking, reading next to you. Even in that brutal silence you sometimes forced on him.

Not that he minded watching you. Not that you minded feeling his gaze.

—Lonely Castle in the Mirror by Mizuki Tsujimura—

“You know… Tsujimura might actually convince you that life is worth living. Be careful not to let her manipulate you, bella.”

Your usual eye-rolling sneer was still intact, but Dazai caught it—the small twitch at the corner of your mouth.

A hint of something. Proof that his months of pestering you might have finally cracked through.

Well. That made two of you.

Dazai never fancied himself the type to interfere in others’ lives without a reason.

He didn’t get to know people for the sake of it. There was always an intention. Always a motive.

He just couldn’t quite identify his own anymore. Not that night. So the safest explanation was the alcohol. Dazai wasn’t immune to intoxication. So why should he think there was any other reason to be caring for you that night?

⸻

Coming down the streets to Bar Lupin, it hadn’t been the wisest choice for a member of the ADA who had work the following morning. Still, a drink wouldn’t hurt anyone. Or so you told yourself.

At first, seeing you slumped over the bar counter with your head resting on it had been a bit of a shock—your face concealed beneath your hair, so the recognition came later.

Smiling at the bartender and ordering his usual whiskey, Dazai addressed you casually, just like he did with most strangers.

“Rough night, lady?”

His smile faltered slightly, almost betraying itself the moment you shifted your head between your arms and revealed your tired eyes.

“Bella, what are you doing here?”

He could swear it was the longest eye contact you’d ever given him, even though all you roughly muttered was a “Shut up.”

Somehow, you had tried to send him a signal that night—one he didn’t decipher all that well. That’s why he didn’t even consider the possibility that you might’ve chosen this specific bar exactly because the chances of him being here were slim. Instead, you gave him a slurred excuse, claiming it was simply the first place you saw.

Burying your face again, Dazai dared to brush his fingers through your hair, revealing your fluttering, closed eyelashes.

His gaze was serious now, looking as if a million thoughts were crossing his mind all at once.

He didn’t joke anymore. It wasn’t a matter of lacking manners that kept Dazai from being serious in either dangerous situations or regular conversation. His way of being had always been difficult for most people to understand. Still, that night there wasn’t some other hidden reason behind his help, only the quiet choice to take care of you and carry you to bed.

Depression is a fertile ground for humor, but everything has its limits. And looking at your exhausted body now, it felt like you no longer cared about anything at all.

Once you got home, Dazai was the one placing you in bed. Because, creepy enough, he knew your address. Obtained earlier from Fukuzawa, who had, in Dazai’s opinion, contemplated for far too long before agreeing to persuade someone.

A realization you reached later — but which, at that moment, only stirred your deranged fascination with him even further.

It was a surprise for him shen you started speaking, turning your face toward him just as he’d leaned in slightly for a final glance before leaving. Only your eyes were visible, the rest of you hidden beneath the blanket he’d pulled over you.

“You’re a weird person, you know?”

He felt his mouth twitch, but the moment was laced with a kind of tension he didn’t dare ruin with his usual antics.

“Yes? What makes you think that, bella?”

“That I don’t understand your intentions.”

His gaze was unreadable, even if a small smile had started forming on his lips.

“I assure you that, right now, I’m not doing anything too double-faced.”

You furrowed your brows slightly, the alcohol was scrambling your thoughts, sending out a pulse of pain.

Still, part of that expression came from irritation, revealing a little too much of how his words affected you.

“And stop saying that stupid name.”

There was a glint in his eyes, playful.

“And I assure you I can’t do that.”

You let out a barely audible scoff. Then your eyes locked with his.

He said nothing for a while. Immersed in whatever analysis he was making of you, looking for… hidden thoughts he wasn’t ready to speak aloud yet.

Then, he rose from the floor, uttering one more thing over his shoulder before vanishing into the night.

“Good night, bella.”

You didn’t say anything. You couldn’t. Just watched him leave until the world around you dissolved, and only the dreams remained.

⸻

Dazai is very bad at driving. That fact was confirmed today, when you dragged him out of the car by the collar.

“You’re not fun!” His dramatics didn’t faze you as he gestured exaggeratedly when you pushed him into the passenger seat. “But being manhandled by you was kind of kinky, bella.”

You rolled your eyes, starting the car again which had been left on the opposite lane—lucky the area was deserted. The destination of the mission assigned by Fukuzawa this morning wasn’t far.

“I’m not in the mood to die today, Dazai.”

While he gestured where to turn, guiding you, Dazai answered with a pout.

“Why not? A shinjū would end the day even quicker. And it’s romantic.”

“Romantic my ass.”

He gasped, placing his hand dramatically over his mouth.

“Language, miss!”

You replied, irritated by his lack of seriousness.

“Dazai, tell me what fucking direction I’m supposed to take.”

He chuckled, returning to guiding you after an obvious waste of time when you picked the wrong street.

Still, today’s mission felt like it had been orchestrated in advance by Dazai.

⸻

The first shock was that the man you had met on that cringe conversation site was now standing in front of you. Apparently, his name was Nikolai. Nikolai Gogol.

The Decay of the Angel was a terrorist group specialized in organized murder.

An organization the man in front of you had just admitted they were part of, almost as if he wanted to be found after the brutal, grotesque murders of four government officials in just one week.

As horrific as they were, the murders were symbolic for the Buddhist Cycle of Existence.

And since four of the five “angels” had already been shown, the Agency deduced the fifth would happen soon.

Dazai’s friend, Ango, had found out too late that the man had infiltrated intel, pretending to be someone else.

So initially, when you arrived to investigate, the man looked like a member of the Special Division for Unusual Powers, so no one questioned Dazai when he began torturing the fake witness placed there by Nikolai.

While your face was horrified, staring at another version of Dazai, blood drops hitting the ground from multiple cuts, though not deadly yet, Nikolai looked at you with a side glance.

“I’m surprised to see you here, lady.”

You couldn’t answer yet, even though it had already taken too long. Both Nikolai and Dazai had a smile on their face that didn’t match the situation at all while the man in front of you screamed in pain.

Dazai spoke over his shoulder.

“Oh, you already knew Nikolai, bella? Maybe you’ll introduce me…” He delivered a particularly hard blow with his knee, making the man fall to the ground, still tied to the chair. “…over a drink.”

Dazai’s gaze dropped slightly, noticing your discomfort by how hard your muscles tensed.

Still, he didn’t say anything about it.

“Not happening.”

Nikolai chuckled while Dazai continued interrogating the witness, but you didn’t want to hear it anymore. Especially since the witness kept swearing he didn’t know anything.

Only when Dazai seemed (but wasn’t) distracted, Nikolai spoke lower, though that weird smile remained on his face.

“Was it that bad last time? You looked like you were enjoying yourself.”

Another man you had to roll your eyes at.

Still, you needed the distraction from the horrible truth in front of you. You’d almost forgotten Dazai wasn’t just that annoying coworker, cheerfully stupid all the time, who you also want to fuck occasionally.

“Can you shut up? As you can see, we have to finish this mission.”

Even though you threw him a glare, Nikolai made you stop in your tracks, forcing you to glance back when his eyes glimmered with something suspicious.

But it was already too late for you.

The object from above—more like the boulder from above—was difficult to intercept or even accept that it was happening, although you sensed it just in time, throwing yourself backwards, flipping to land crouched, palms to the ground.

“You’re even more fucking insane than I thought!”

Dazai was already looking at you when you nodded at him, showing him you can handle it, just as the man tied to the chair managed to escape when no one was watching. So, Dazai start chasing him (with slow steps).

Nikolai chuckled, his hand slipping into a… pocket size portal? The curiosity in your eyes was enough for it to hurt as a sudden sharp pain struck your leg, when the portal slashed through with a blade.

“Fucking asshole!”

Ignoring the pain, you began charging toward him, fists clenched tight as he began dodging.

Your speed was impressive as you almost hit his perfect face at one point. Which made him want to disappear faster from here, vanishing after a fatal move.

It was horrifying that this was a new ability you’d never seen before, but even worse was that you didn’t see the portal forming right in the center of his stomach.

From it, a blade emerged—one that didn’t hit you. No.

It hit Dazai, who—using that terrifying speed—had moved in front of you before you could even register it.

Your shock was visible as you gasped, still Dazai smiled, placing his hand over Nikolai’s.

Nikolai furrowed his brows, analyzing the naive man in front of him who had just stabbed himself saving you.

Just as Dazai grinned at him, a line of blood sliding from his mouth as he spoke in that dangerously slow tone, looking right into his opponent’s eyes.

“No longer human.”

Then his eyes widened when his portals stopped forming, Nikolai jumped back immediately, his surprise obvious. Knowing even the slightest information about the man in front of him, the only correct choice was to retreat for now.

The wind blew your hair aside, some strands sticking to your lips while your legs trembled.

Your gaze was fixed on the red patch expanding around Dazai’s abdomen.

“Dazai—”

Your first words came out as a whisper, until your voice began to panic when his legs dropped under him. You eased him onto his back, a few tears slipping unconsciously from your eyes while frustration surged.

“Dazai, what the fuck is wrong with you? You know I can’t heal that! Why, why—”

Though panicked about what might follow, Dazai looked at your teary face one more time before closing his eyes, a smile still painted on his lips.

He couldn’t say the words through the pain, but he only felt happiness when death was near. And this, this right here was the perfect occasion.

Even the act of saving you shouldn’t be romanticized too much. He was still very much in control, so he shouldn’t be scared or anything like that.

Everything I ever want to keep, I lose.

⸻

You didn’t visit Dazai at the hospital, too horrified by what had happened.

Okay. Only the first night, when you brought him in, staying the entire night while he didn’t wake up. And after the doctor told you he would be fine, you didn’t want to see him anymore. You kind of wished you never had to again.

He’s not good for you to be around.

First of all, the torture of that innocent man still haunted you, even though you had brought him in the same night. But something told you Dazai wouldn’t personally go kneel and apologize for that.

Second, the impulsive decision he took, which you still couldn’t understand, another trigger for every other thought you had about him and how little you actually knew.

And then there was the fact that you couldn’t take the tension anymore. Not when lately it seemed to grow even worse than before.

Yes, Dazai had acted as if nothing had happened. And that made you give him the silent treatment.

A silent treatment so loud, he deemed it necessary to come to your apartment. At night. Through the window.

After knocking politely at your door first like a gentleman he was.

You stood up in panic, glancing around for something sharp, your heart pounding until you realized only two people had access to your address.

Which is why your voice came out irritated, raised.

“No fucking way.”

You opened the door with an angry expression, pouty enough that it widened Dazai’s smile.

“Good evening, bella. May I come in?”

You gestured dramatically, hands clutching at your thighs when his presence touched the room’s threshold, until you turned away.

“Do I even have a choice? You’re already inside!”

He only stepped in slightly, leaning against the doorframe.

“Someone seems quite upset with me.”

You planted one hand on your hip, standing in the middle of the room, rubbing your eyes with the other.

“No shit. Who would’ve thought? Who could possibly imagine I’d be upset at someone who almost got himself killed in front of me? For me? Or for your usual fucking stunts that stress me out?”

Fuck. A confession you prayed he wouldn’t analyze too closely. The very subtle raise of his eyebrows was carefully hidden behind his bangs.

“I’m flattered to know you care about my life, sweetheart. Or even better…that you’re capable of feeling something about me, even if it’s anger.”

You shook your head, disbelieving, shooting him a glare. Until your pulse thickened, eyes dragging from his head to toe only to meet that stupid smirk again.

“You’re fucking insane!”

You didn’t know which one of you had the more manic expression. But after your outburst, Dazai stayed perfectly composed.

He started walking slowly toward you, hands slipped inside his cloak, like always. His gaze asked you to look up at him.

“And how much does that bother you?”

Your body froze, his presence now dangerously close and you felt your throat go dry.

He wasn’t ashamed. Not even a little, when his eyes lingered on your parted lips. Lips that invited.

“Do you want to fuck me, Dazai?”

The pause that followed was awful as your pulse thrashing, vision slightly blurring around the edges.

“Depends, bella.”

His reply snapped your thoughts back into motion, pushing you to end this maddening tension. But Dazai had other plans.

He made you step backward, slowly, until you hit the desk near the bed.

“Depends on what?”

His expression shifted, more serious now.

A reminder of the dangerous man standing in front of you. And yet, his voice dropped just enough to make your knees weaken.

“Do you want me to fuck you?”

You looked at Dazai with an intense impression, as if it were a mix of repulsion and longing at the same time. You crave him, you truly do. And gladly, you weren’t the only one.

The atmosphere had become so dense it was almost suffocating. Your eyes hurled daggers toward him, attempting to slice him open with your response.

“Yes.”

Intentionally allowing your pulse to escalate, Dazai waited a moment before cupping your cheek and pressing his lips against yours.

You moaned at the sensation, the purring desire of his mouth consuming yours.

As you eagerly parted your lips wider, your fingers tangled in his hair, grasping it tenderly, just as his tongue slipped inside your mouth. You attempted to dominate the kiss, leaning further into him, kissing him briefly before catching his lower lip between your teeth, tugging softly.

Dazai exhaled a low, guttural breath, his warm breath grazing your lips. His eyes, obscured by his bandages, cast a cryptic shadow, while you stared at him with feral, untamed eyes, pressed against the table.

A wicked smile curled on his lips.

In a second, he was looming over you again, chasing your mouth, one hand still on your cheek, the other gliding along your back.

He began to knead your skin gently while kissing you, and when his hand slipped beneath your shirt, touching your bare warmth, his mouth wandered from yours to your neck, planting slow, perhaps overly sensual kisses that made your knees falter.

“F-fuck.”

His grin widened above your neck, his hand traveling upward, lifting your shirt slightly in the process until he reached the nape of your neck.

Tightening his grip so he could maneuver your head, granting himself more access to your neck and chest, Dazai began to mark you. The pain ignited such profound pleasure that your hips bucked into him, pleading for his touch. He felt a pulse of exhilaration when his bites elicited your moans—pain, it seemed, aroused you more than anything else.

“Calling my name like that and I might do anything you want, bella.”

The hand on your neck drifted into your hair, pulling just enough to make you gasp.

“Fuck me, Dazai. I need you to fucking have me.”

Dazai leaned close to your ear, pulling harder on your hair as he lifted your leg, placing it on his hip and drawing you closer. You couldn’t breathe.

"I'm surprised to hear that, Bella. I thought you didn’t like me." Dazai’s movements made your knees buckle again, his lips capturing your earlobe, sucking on it languidly. You felt yourself growing embarrassingly wetter as he bit it and then soothed it with his tongue. “But we’re not rushing anywhere."

You swallowed, feeling more delicate in his arms than you ever did in your own solitude, surrounded by four silent walls and an exhausting existence. Yet somehow, Dazai made you feel entirely at his mercy. Entirely his.

You murmured between shallow breaths, moving your hand to his abdomen, feeling the firmness beneath his black satin blouse.

"Do whatever you want to me. I need—"

He let out a soft chuckle, making your heart jolt as he shifted his hand—one lifting your leg higher, the other slipping between your thighs.

"You want to use me, more like. Isn’t that right, beautiful?"

Words failed you. You merely shook your head, denying it, as his fingers teased your inner thighs. You spread your legs for him, and though he delighted in being a tease, your desperation began to unravel his control.

Your head fell back when Dazai touched you exactly where you needed, your pussy throbbing against his hand as he spread your arousal from your clit down to your entrance, then back again.

“Mhm—”

As he circled slowly, deliberately, you leaned your head onto his shoulder, moaning his name while he finally pushed a finger inside you. The second came swiftly, necessary, considering how soaked you were. His breath grew ragged against your ear as he guided you through it.

“Let go for me, bella. Yes, like this. Now.”

Your legs gave out, and his hand came in a swift motion to support your body as you climaxed hard, muffling a cry of his name into his neck.

He gave you only a moment before turning you around. Seeing the bed ahead, he let you collapse onto your belly, ass slightly raised. You glanced back over your shoulder at Dazai, licking your lips in anticipation as he found your pants, yanking them down quickly, making you yelp.

You never imagined needing someone this close. Your breath caught in your chest from how badly you craved his touch. Maybe it was after the orgasmic vulnerability or so you hoped.

He climbed onto the bed with one knee, his hands flanking your sides as his loose curls brushed against your skin, sending shivers down your spine.Then, a gasp escaped you when you felt Dazai's lips trail down your back until his head slipped between your legs. You raised your hips, ass tilted toward him, and Dazai eagerly began licking you over your soaked panties which had no right to still be on.

You clenched the blanket in your limp hands, letting out shameless, continuous mewls of pleasure.

"You're so... so fucking good—"

Your face pressed down into the mattress as Dazai let out a deep chuckle, slipping your drenched panties to the floor and caressing your trembling thighs in between his languid licks.

You gasped as he moved you again, this time onto your back, positioning himself over you. With hesitant fingers, you brushed the strands of hair from his face as he offered that signature smile.

His gaze revealed the mutual yearning between you, though his wasn’t as evident as yours. You never expected much from Dazai—but touching him, being here with him, made him seem less like a threat.

Dazai, however, remained detached. Though he allowed you more tenderness than he probably should have, considering the volatile boundary between you. One that, to him, signified weakness.

Still, he responded to your kiss when you pulled him down by the neck, resting one hand there to keep him close. When you moved to remove his shirt, he seized both your wrists and pinned them above your head. You didn’t insisted, barely noticed what you did.

He leaned in to capture your lips again, kissing you slowly, his tongue gliding over yours, making your heart pound erratically for something that was supposed to be just sex. You furrowed your brow, forcing away the overwhelming emotions, because with Dazai…you felt alive.

You remained silent, afraid your vulnerability would spill out and ruin you. So instead, you let him heal you—if only a little. If only for tonight.

Dazai continued to kiss you as you spread your legs, feeling him press against you through his black trousers. You relished that moment, even if it wasn’t enough, wrapping your legs around him.

He bit your neck again, in the same places, the pain exquisite, and you abandoned your shame when all you could do was moan.

"More, Dazai—I can't..."

Though his hands reached for his belt, his gaze darkened, unreadable, as if he demanded something more intimate before surrendering.

"If you confess something to me."

Hearing the click of the belt, your eyes flicked from his hands back to his face, anxiety tightening in your chest.

"W-what?"

He cupped your cheeks gently, forcing your eyes to meet the void within his.

"That you like that I adore your sadness more than your smile?" Dazai murmured, sliding his pants off discreetly. "That you'd let me dismantle you until you respond only to me?" His voice thickened. “That even if I walked away like the cruel man I am... you'd still crave me?"

You swallowed hard, heat rushing through your entire body at his depraved, seductive words. Feeling him at your entrance made you weak—pliant, and so easy to ruin.

“I hate you.”

His smile returned, laced with doubt, as he took his hardened cock in hand, spreading his pre-cum over your folds.

Your mouth fell open at the sensation, chasing his movement with your hips, your eyes still fixed on his.

“I don’t believe you, bella.”

Your vulnerable gaze was all Dazai needed before he pushed into you, his mouth parting as he slowly filled you. A moan escaped him and you clenched around him at the sound as he began thrusting deeper, slower.

His hand wrapped around your throat, squeezing just enough to steal your breath, forcing your eyes open when they fluttered shut.

He slid his thumb into your mouth, watching your lips close around it as he increased his pace. A single tear slid down your cheek from the overwhelming bliss.

“You’re so good to me, D-Dazai—Fuck! Fuck! Please, harder!”

He shifted, lifting your legs and holding them up to thrust deeper. His fingers found your clit again, sending you over the edge.

“Yes? Then let go for me again, bella. Prove it to me.”

“K-kiss me—”

You felt the moment passing by, Dazai looking at you indecipherably as you were, unraveling yourself in front of him. From another perspective, you almost felt like he was avoiding it, dissecting the intimacy of the moment. But still, his kiss came, swallowing all your moans when two more moves of his fingers get your orgasm closer and closer until you come all over him.

He didn’t stop no, his thrust became deeper, merciless, making your breath stopped between the thrusts. Dazai leaned his temple over yours, groaning as his own orgasm came faster. He quickly got up off you, pulling out to release himself on you, flowing between your legs.

You couldn't take your eyes off him, somehow feeling that he wouldn't let you look down, only at him.. It was like a trance that only he could put you in and take you out of.

After your breathing calmed down, you slowly got up on your elbows, avoiding his gaze.

"Can you bring me a towel?"

He nodded slightly, even if you didn't see it, moving silently toward the bathroom. When he came back, Dazai was no longer the same person he had been a few minutes earlier.

You could feel your heart beating in your chest as he began to wipe away what was left of you, with a serious, indescribable look on his face.

You didn't even know what to feel. That was the effect he had on you. You crouched down a little, looking for your clothes, and he onserved you, so he picked the clothes up off the floor. He had already gotten dressed in the bathroom.

You didn't expect to be hugging or anything, he didn't seem like that type. But you couldn't help feeling sad—

Your eyes widened when Dazai leaned toward you, whispering in your ear.

"See you tomorrow, bella."

You felt his lips leave a soft kiss on your cheek before he left, taking his cloak from the chair.

As your hand rested on your cheek, staring into space, Dazai smiled a little. One more glance at you before he left your room.

You knew what you were getting yourself into with a man like him. And yet... you don't think you'd back down if the opportunity arose again.

But don't you think it's too soon, considering that Dazai was arrested after the evidence was found after Mushitarō's ability stopped.