#ftm uk

I can now do most day to day activities, albeit somewhat more slowly than normal. I also drove for the first time a couple of days ago, and it was much better than my first post-op drive after top surgery.

The sutures have started falling out; I have 2 left on my monsplasty site, all 4 of the hysto ones are still there, and quite a few *under* me (vaginectomy site, between my balls, and the underside of my penis), but I've definitely seen one come away in the shower, and 2 more just now when I was changing my gauze.

The drain site is still bleeding, but it's only a tiny bit now. I wouldn't feel confident going without gauze, yet.

In terms of discomfort, I am still a little bloated/swollen from the hysto, and it tends to get more uncomfortable as the day goes on. Everything feels too tight across my lower abdomen. And I have been painfully gassy today, but that's new, so it could be diet related, rather than surgery related.

Left testicle is still quite tender - there's a hard little lump under the skin, right at the end of the implant. I think it's a suture tethering the implant to the bottom of the scrotum. I'm not loving how rigid the left one feels. Especially as both balls are right between my thighs, and not loose enough to be cupped and manoeuvred forward so I can close my legs comfortably.

The SP catheter site sealed up in about three days, but I kept gauze over it for a few additional days just to protect it. It is... weird. When I piss, the area where the catheter went in is sort of sucked in. To the point it looks like a second (innie) bellybutton. It is the strangest clenching sensation. I think there could be internal scar tissue connecting my bladder to the abdominal wall, so as the bladder contracts to empty, it's pulling the wall of my abdomen inwards. Once the external scab is gone, I'll start some scar massage, and see if that helps.

I have attempted to stp in the shower. Penis is very much pointing down, and I'm not confident enough yet to pull him up. He is also pointing to the left - I think that's because of some swelling on the right. Presently, my stream is landing maybe 20cm in front of my left foot, and the last dribble runs down between my balls. So I don't think I'm urinal-ready just yet.

I have been able to jerk off, finally. Getting hard is fun and validating. I used my trusty bullet vibe to finish off, and it felt spectacular. Not sure if it was better than pre-op, or just an epic relief after an entire month of abstinence.

Next milestones will be: drain site to stop bleeding, sutures fall out, abdominal swelling/bloating to go away, tenderness in balls to go away.

It has been a long and busy week, and I'll try to remember all the details.

On day 15 I flew home from Serbia. The total journey time from door to door was 9 hours, 2 car rides, and 2 flights. I did it solo, contrary to advice, because I had no other choice.

It was *not* fun, but I made it because, once again, I had no other choice.

Sitting in cars and planes wasn't too bad, as long as I was able to lean back. If attempting it yourself, just make sure you have whatever snacks etc in your lap, because leaning forward to pick up your bag is not particularly pleasant.

I did have friends waiting to collect me from the airport once I'd landed in the UK, but I don't think any of us realised that the carpark was (or maybe felt like) a half mile uphill walk from the terminal.

I struggled.

I must have looked like absolute shite, because the moment they saw me they came rushing over, and I all but collapsed (cleverly disguised it as a hug) into my friend's arms.

Being home felt amazing.

I took a rest day, then started trying to get a little walk in each day.

On day 19 I did my voiding trial.

This was at home, and I just reported my results to the team via WhatsApp. I left my SP catheter plugged all day, and went to the toilet as normal.

I had no trouble at all peeing, although it stung a little, and at the end of the stream my bladder seemed to clench around the SP tube in my abdomen, which was an unsettling sensation, although I would quite describe it as pain.

Because I was able to empty my bladder, I went to A&E on day 20 and requested they remove the SP catheter.

This was met with a little resistance, but I was firm, and after calling a urologist from the next town over, the practice nurse was cleared to pull it.

Again, not a pleasant sensation, but not exactly painful. And it oozed, although I couldn't personally bring myself to look. I was given a stack of gauze and some tape, and told to change the dressing daily.

I left the hospital beaming.

The walk home (Google maps said 29 minutes, I'd normally do it in 23, took 55) was still a bit uncomfortable - there is a hole in my abdomen, but I was so damn happy to have that tube gone.

Day 21/the 3 weeks mark, I realised the taped gauze wasn't going to be practical in the shower. I had bought some waterproof plasters for showering, but they're quite small, and won't take a whole lot of exudate. I figured I'd put one on for the shower, then take it off and replace with gauze afterwards.

Taking the gauze off was nerve-wracking because I had no idea what this hole was going to look like. And to make matters worse, my abdomen is still slightly swollen, and the hole is sort of beneath the swelling, so I can't see it when I look down. I ended up using a mirror to guide myself.

Thick yellowish-white, sticky-looking gunk oozed out. I fought the urge to throw up. I gently wiped with antibac wipes, then carefully applied the plaster, and enjoyed my first tube-free shower.

After the shower, I reversed the dressing process.

I still feel the tugging sensation when I walk, and am most comfortable if I hold the wound site stable while moving around. I'm hopeful that it heals quickly, and I will be able to walk a little faster by the end of the week.

In terms of my actual junk (the catheter was taking up so much headspace, I've barely thought about anything else), sitting up straight is still a no-no. Even with my donut cushion there's too much pressure.

My balls are very much *directly* between my thighs, and feel quite tight still. They feel bruised/sore to the touch, although they look great. My left has descended perfectly, and I expect the right one to join him in time.

My penis is still wedged between them, swollen, and pointing down and to the left. When I pee, the stream seems to go whichever way it chooses, but usually it's a mess. I'm not even going to attempt to stp any time soon, unless the urge strikes me in the shower.

I'm planning to wait until the stitches on the underside of the phallus have fallen out, and I can start manipulating him a bit more.

The vaginectomy drain site is still bleeding, but I have been told that is normal. And I think some of the stitches have started disappearing from the monsplasty site.

My updates have been very sporadic, but that's actually quite reflective of how I've been feeling.

I had the Foley catheter out yesterday - nowhere near as painful as I was expecting - and that has been a huge weight off my dick mind.

The suprapubic catheter is uncomfortable - the incision is sore, but not infected, and I have a serious psychological hang up with it. Hopefully it goes in 13 days. I already know the new urethra works, as I've been (not deliberately) pissing through it every time I poop.

Pooping has also been such a hassle.

After the epic dump on the night before the op (dulcolax suppositories - I will absolutely be using them again for play prep), I then didn't go again for 5 days. And it wasn't some mega-poop then; more like a double-shot of lumpy gravy.

And for the last few days it's been the same, but I'm going every few hours, and the liquid-y consistency has threatened to leak between trips to the toilet.

Apparently it's okay that it's not solid again yet, even though my diet has (almost) returned to normal, as I'm still on antibiotics and have likely nuked my carefully cultivated guy microbiome 😭.

I am trying to repair the damage with high fiber, probiotics and prebiotics, but maybe it's for the best that I don't have to drop a monster shit just yet, given the wounds still healing in that area.

Due to swelling, I can't see how well the incisions underneath me are healing, but the only bleeding I still have is light, and from the vaginectomy drain site. I have read reports of folk still bleeding from there for up to 8 weeks, so the little bit of spotting I'm getting is not too bad at all.

My gut is still bloated. Which is annoying as much as it is uncomfortable. Again, psychologically, not having a flat stomach hits my "stop eating!" emergency button, and I have to work to ignore it.

Internet research again throws up 8 weeks as a maximum time frame for post-hysterectomy bloating to go down.

I have to keep reminding myself; it's only been 8 days. I am doing amazingly. My body is tough, and my mind is tougher.

Exciting times!

I have been in contact with Miroslav Djordjevic at the Belgrade Center for Genital Reconstructive Surgery.

We have provisionally booked the date 14th April 2025, subject to payment and general terms (letter of recommendation etc).

I chose Miro for the results I'd seen online, and also because he offers an all-in-one surgery: hysterectomy with bilateral oophorectomy, vaginectomy, metoidioplasty with urethral lengthening (UL), and testicular implants. There is even an option to have top surgery at the same time!

The compromise is that the center is in Belgrade, in Serbia, and I will need to stay there for two weeks post op, to monitor recovery. I will then have to fly home with a suprapubic catheter in place, and find a local doctor willing to remove it at a later date.

I live in the UK, where we have an extreme shortage of options for lower surgery: it technically *is* available on the NHS, but I imagine I will be drawing my pension before I get anywhere near the top of that waiting list.

Due to the shortage of UK-based surgeons, the private waiting lists are almost as long - and the cost significantly higher.

I have currently been quoted €16000 (approx £13650) for the whole procedure, in Serbia. Which is extremely reasonable. However, I am prepared for that cost to increase. For example, I highly doubt that is going to include my accommodation, or food for two weeks, and I seem to think I've read something about tax, too.

Flights to and from Birmingham airport only comes to about £200.

My other concern is that I don't have anyone accompanying me. Loneliness and boredom don't worry me as much as my physical incapacity and potential lack of ability to feed myself...

It’s been a while but life goes on.

I am so greatful for falling in love with the gym and with myself and fully taking care of me.

Life update to future me. 7 months since the love of your life left. It’s been tough, one of the toughest things I have ever experienced but I’m freaking proud of where I am. Even though you may not be fully over her you have done everything you said you were going to accomplish and more.

And here is a quick comparison to where I was at 7 months ago. Onwards and fucking upwards.

It is 14 days until my surgery, and I keep coming up with more questions.

Must write a list and email them to my surgeon's secretary.

I am having double incision, with no nipple grafts, with Guy Sterne at the Nuffield Wolverhampton. Total cost somewhere in the region of £8500 (awaiting invoice - must include invoice request in email to secretary).

No nipples is a personal choice largely down to the prevalence of breast cancer in my family. The surgeon is taking ALL the breast tissue. As such, I won't be having the "masculinisation" effect that surgeons usually aim for.

I have no emotional attachment to the nipples, so it doesn't bother me. In fact, I know it will reduce the duration of the surgery, and I hope it might have a positive impact on my speed of recovery.

I do plan to get some nips tattooed on at some point, after a year or so of healing. And I have seen temporary tattoos of nipples that I will try out for funsies.

One of the benefits of going with Mr Sterne is that he doesn't use drains or post-op binders. Although this does mean I am going to have to follow the rules absolutely to the letter, if I don't want fluid build up. (He said that a small amount of fluid can build up, but the body simply reabsorbs it, whereas draining fluid encourages the body to produce more.)

About me: I am within the healthy weight bracket for my height, work out three times a week, and have no underlying health conditions (except some allergies). As such, I am optimistic about my recovery, and hope to get away with 3 weeks off work, followed by a phased return (week 6 would be a week off anyway, so I figure I can cope with a couple of weeks before that at part time).

I have started stocking up on paracetamol - I'm allergic to ibuprofen and codeine backs me up. I have also bought some of the silicone scar strips, and plan to purchase BioOil. I have already started using a serum oil on the chest area to make sure the skin is in as good a condition as possible.

Looking into buying a mastectomy pillow and seat belt cushion but they are really expensive. Surprised there aren't any secondhand ones for sale on FB marketplace.

Not entirely sure how I'm getting to or from the hospital yet. It is over an hour's drive away. I'm hoping my partner will take me, although that means our son will have to come with, and we'd need to leave the house around 6am...

And as I don't even know if I'll be discharged on the same day (email secretary...) I don't even want to start worrying about how/when I'll be getting home.

Words cannot express how excited I am. And while I am disappointed that there were delays, and this hasn't been the binder-free summer I was expecting, I am now counting down the days of binders and sports bras. I'm looking forward to being able to breathe properly when I go running, to being able to take my son swimming, and to sunbathing in just a pair of shorts.

Life in general is pretty good, I have nearly everything younger me wanted. A loving, kind and loyal partner who also happens to be an insanely hot firefighter! The black Labrador of my childhood dreams, a job I am passionate about and enjoy. Loving friends and family. I miss my mum, more than ever and there are issues with my dad but all in all I cannot complain.

I met a lovely woman at work today and we had a good chat about the transitioning (I mainly didn’t stop talking, and she kindly listened) I forgot how good it was to talk about it and remember how I used to feel pre T, pre even knowing I was trans! Reading some of my early posts, I am so happy that I genuinely feel like a different person, in a good way. I still feel like I’m finding myself and working on myself, but I don’t think that ever stops.

I’m 30 this year and I’m quite looking forward to it, I want to find peace and happiness and I want to take better care of myself. I have been unkind to my body and mind in many ways over the years but for the most part it is doing it’s best at keeping things going so I want to help it out.

Anyhoo, here are some recent photos of me.