#flinch

@summer-of-bad-batch prompt: “In retrospect, this was a bad idea.”

Phee said she knew some pirate friends who could help on the next mission… never again…

Flinch #11 - Red Romance (February 23, 2000)

so, this is all rather complicated and ofc I don’t expect some sort of diagnosis but hopefully there’s someone here who can kind of say what could be going on or give me some advice?

in january of 2025, i developed motor tics. they were mostly my neck going to the side, facial grimacing/rapidly closing eyes. and eventually i visited my family doctor and i was given a lot of vitamins/pills related to digestion, i was pissed to say the least, since at the time i genuinely thought that they must be mental health/nervous system related. and i took them for like a month and then stopped taking them (looking back, probably not the best decision) anyway, as time went on, i noticed myself doing them more and more, though yeah there were periods where they were very frequent and periods where they were less frequent.

now, there’s another part to all of this. ever since i could remember, i was the “sensitive” child. i used to cry daily at kindergarten and elementary school, i only ever stopped around 7th-8th grade. i don’t particularly remember a lot of what happened before middle school, though i vividly remember having to do p.e. in 5th grade, and sitting there, crying with my ears covered because of how noisy it all was. i was begging the teachers to let me sit in the changing room, just anywhere else but in there. i remember covering my ears near the loud ass school bell that would make me almost panic, in restaurants i was genuinely afraid of the hand drying machine. i’d wear headphones anytime i could, many times i’d be sitting somewhere, pushing my headphones into my ears and crying, just hoping, wishing that my classmates would quiet down. eventually, i found myself with some “coping skills” i guess, well: fidgeting. there was one year where I would excessively twirl the front part of my hair, and i mean that i was doing it constantly: in class, outside, in public, in private, those parts were so greasy all the time. it was comforting to me, feeling it’s texture, even at night when i was trying to sleep and my wrist was hurting, i just had to twirl with it. (actually apparently since i was a LITTLE kid, I used to twirl and play with my hair a lot, very comforting) another year, i used to scratch my scalp A LOT, as in there was blood under my fingernails and my scalp was itchy and red but that pain kind of kept me going, the texture of the bumps it made and the movement itself, amazing. ok this is getting ridiculously long, i also used to let my hair fall down my whole face and I’d stay like a shrimp, since the hair blocked out light and I’d sit and rip apart my split ends, for several classes every day. even as I grew older though, I would have those horrifying moments sometimes. sometimes all the noise, lights, touching, really gets to you, you know? tests were often hard to concentrate on, with the students whispering, teacher talking, pens clicking, paper flipping, electricity buzzing, i still remember one time when i was just rocking back and forth, scratching myself, twirling my hair, crying my eyes out and breathing heavily because i just couldn't focus on the test because of the environment, and the teacher just walking over to me and telling me that not everyone is good at her subject.

fast-forward to this year, i started excessively flinching from noise. i mean LITERALLY, from everyday sounds. someone sneezes? flinch. drops a pen? flinch, accidentally touches me for 0.01 seconds? flinch. and it’s BAD, like i do it so frequently that people ofc make fun of me, the louder the sound is, the worse my reaction is. and i found myself getting overwhelmed by noises WAAAY more frequently than ever before, i can’t handle it anymore. and i could never properly get if i really had tics or if i just flinched excessively, turns out i kinda do both? and like, my sensitivity to noise stresses me out, and the more stressed I am, the tics worsen, but sometimes i find myself flinching from a sound and then having tics after? i feel like I’m going crazy. and sometimes i find myself having “tic attacks”, especially when I’m already overwhelmed by my senses.

about a month ago, i’ve noticed myself having some vocal tics as well. though i was finally sent to a neurologist and he just told me to stop staying on my phone and not to stress out over things, i only have “motor tics” officially “diagnosed” I guess.