I've stopped talking, so my dad doesn't know I've had a shutdown over nothing. I'm just sitting here, biting my tongue. Literally. I'm not metaphorically biting it, I am literally biting it. But not hard! More of a soft pressing between the teeth, to the point where I feel a numbness about it.
I feel like I could sit here in stressful silence for ages, but I want a shower. So I'll have to wake my dad up. And I guess I'll have to tell him about this. I think he's used to my meltdowns, but idk if he's used to my shutdowns. I'm still not used to them. I mainly get them when I'm on my own.
I have 1 meltdown or shutdown every single day. I can't go a day without having s meltdown or a shutdown. What…what does that say about me? I don't want to know. But I feel like it's something pretty bad. Probably confirming that I'll have a stress heart attack before I ever reach 50.
I had my shutdown because I learned a movie I wanted to watch was far more depressing than I thought it would be. I couldn't bring myself to yell and act up about it, so I internalized it and wound up stressed in silence. That's how it works, I guess. A meltdown is external (exploding outwards at others) whereas a shutdown is internal (collapsing in upon myself). I feel like it still says something bad about me that I'm so chronically stressed that I have daily shutdowns or meltdowns.
