#fearful-avoidant

i hate how there’s always this invisible line thing going on and no one is able to cross it because even if it’s subconsciously i won’t let them.

The fearful-avoidant attachment style (also called disorganized or anxious-avoidant) is a more recently recognized attachment style, exhibiting characteristics of both the dismissive-avoidant and preoccupied-anxious attachment styles. People with this kind of attachment style have an ongoing ambivalence in the sense that they never want to be too close to their partner, but never too far either. They have a need for love and intimacy but fear it at the same time, creating a push-and-pull dynamic within the relationship. They oscillate between the spectrum of fearing too much closeness and too much distance from their partner or close relationships, and go through a lot of inner turbulence, causing this to serve as a breeding ground for anger and resentment.

People with this attachment style tend to pick up a lot of subtle micro-expressions like their partner’s change of tone, or slight change in mood and expression. Resulting from trying to observe and predict their caregiver’s behavior, their hyper vigilance to other people’s behaviors manifest as a need to manipulate their way out of being controlled, manipulated, or betrayed. They generally fear not deserving or being worthy of love, and have a hard time trusting or needing another person in fear of having their needs left rejected or unmet. In childhood, the person they turn to for comfort is also the person who caused them pain. The fearful-avoidant wants to love, but when they start loving outside a certain degree, they tend to feel helpless or trapped, turning that feeling into resentment and anger towards their partner. They can look for subtle flaws in their partner to make sense of the negative feelings they feel and self-sabotage the relationship. Sometimes this type finds themselves with a dismissive-avoidant partner, and they can exhibit more anxious behaviors, depending on the situation. They tend to express feelings well, but typically good at communicating needs.

Some characteristics of the fearful-avoidant:

Negative view of self and others

Constantly “testing” a partner with negative behavior, looking for signs of abandonment

Self-sabotages relationships

Low self-confidence and self-worth

Tendency to avoid relationships

Difficulty building trust

Feeling trapped and smothered when a partner gets too close

Finds it hard to express feelings, show affection and seek intimacy

Fears being too vulnerable or revealing too much

Constantly seeks approval from their partner for security

Disassociation, feeling detached from reality and feelings

In childhood:

Fearful-avoidant attachment is the traumatic result of emotional neglect or abuse during childhood. The fearful-avoidant child does not really develop their ability to self-soothe, because their caregivers do not fully deprive them of their physical and/or emotional needs. They are totally dependent on their caregiver to meet their needs, but at the same time does not fully trust the caregiver. Their needs will sometimes be met, and sometimes be dismissed, creating insecurity and turbulence within the household. Because of this, they fail to develop an organized attachment strategy, hence the term “disorganized”. The key emotion experienced by the child is fear. The child might have seen their parents regularly fighting, abusing each other, or even be the recipient of abuse. The child might also have only had their needs met under conditions (like when they sit down quietly for a certain amount of time, else they are punished). They learn, at an early age, that love is turbulent and chaotic. That’s what becomes familiar to them, and they associate it with what "love" should be in their adult lives.

How to work towards secure attachment:

Seek help from a professional. A therapist would serve as a secure attachment, while helping the fearful-avoidant process and resolve past trauma. The therapist can help them identify triggers and come up with solutions that help regulate emotional distress, slowly working them towards a more secure attachment.

Be more mindful and aware. Being more mindful and aware of your attachment style can give you a clearer understanding of why you feel and act the way you do and can help you look at things more objectively. Mindful practices like meditation can also help rewire your brain, reversing damage caused by past trauma.

Seek secure partners. Partners with an insecure attachment style can cause more damage and trigger a fearful-avoidant person’s unhealthy behaviors. A securely attached person can help provide a sense of security and acceptance to the fearful-avoidant.

Learn to communicate needs. Fearful-avoidants tend to internalize things, often having suspicions for their partners. They may overanalyze their partner’s actions and hold on to things that validate their suspicions, and may lash out for seemingly no reason.

Learn to express vulnerability. For a fearful-avoidant, expressing themselves and their vulnerabilities is a difficult task to do. Expressing themselves might communicate that they care, and for them, caring can make them seem more susceptible to being harmed or rejected. In a relationship, vulnerability is important to build emotional connection. The fearful-avoidant should realize that they are no longer children, and are strong enough to handle being vulnerable to whatever problems come their way. They need to realize that they have autonomous control over their actions and decisions, and are able to leave in events that they are harmed.

Set clear boundaries. Being able to communicate boundaries helps your partner have a clearer sense of what you need to feel more secure. For example, in an event you start to feel smothered, communicating the need for space could be the only thing you need to solve the problem.

Repetition and emotional regulation. The traumatized brain was programmed through repetition and emotion, so rewiring can be done in that way, too. Repeatedly give your brain reasons as to why you're safe and no longer trapped, helpless, and powerless. Convince yourself you are safe in love, and that you are strong enough to handle it. You are no longer a helpless toddler, but an adult that has gone through growth and experience.

Resources:

@EmotionEnhancement, Rachel. (2018). The fearful avoidant attachment style. Retrieved from https://www.emotionenhancement.com/single-post/Attachment-Styles-In-Adults/The-Fearful-Avoidant-Attachment-Style

Personal Development School — Thais Gibson. (2018, September 3). Fearful Avoidant Attachment Style [Video]. YouTube. Retrieved from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nJJJpvJ2TAc

Levine, A. & Heller, R. (2011). Attached: the New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find--and Keep--Love. TarcherPerigee

I have no idea what I’m doing. On more than one count. I can do the honesty thing at least. 

I’m 21 and I feel like life is continually taking a bat to my knees. Like, I’ve always looked forward to being an adult, and I am so grateful that I finally am one, but oh my fucking god did I not expect adulthood to just be me making the same mistakes over and over again until something clicks. Like, if I were to go back and tell 15 year old me anything, it’d be “well, your life is gonna suck just about the same as it does not, the only difference is that now everything is gonna be your fault”.  

I want to be kind to myself, but it’s so hard to even show myself pity when I’m the very worst of my problems; I never show love to myself and that’s why I have to practically beg strangers to show me affection. The most ironic thing is that once someone does, I get so scared of making a genuine connection with them that I avoid them, because I learned that love = pain and the only way to preserve yourself is to hide away from those that show you love. I wish I could just tell them “when I’m hostile and I push you away, when I say I hate you, when I grow cold, distant, and not worth loving, that is when I need you to love me the most”. How can I tell them that I’m gonna be the hardest person for someone to love? 

The Four Attachment Styles are secure, anxious-preoccupied, dismissive-avoidant and fearful-avoidant. The attachment theory is a psychological model that attempts to describe the dynamics of long-term and short-term interpersonal relationships between humans. Our relationship styles is believed to be developed very early on in life, largely influenced by the relationships we have with our parents and sometimes peers. In this video, we hope you learn about the basic four attachment styles and share with us yours!