#existentialmemes

but i realised that the main reason i was feeling like an actual human being was because it was like 10pm and i was talking to a friend and i had my hair all messy and i was sweaty from sport and i was cleaning my room and laughing at myself and for a second, i didn’t have a mask on! i wasn’t hiding myself or acting a certain way for anyone else’s gaze! and i was REAL for just a few minutes!!

so anyway i think part of the reason so many people are depressed and otherwise mentally ill is that we’re taught to behave a certain way all the damn time instead of just Being

like social media, is, uh, horrendous. but even just the ‘normal’ things of “sit like a lady” or “speak professionally” or “wear appropriate clothing” like we don’t let anyone exist how they actually want to even in infancy and childhood! how is anyone supposed to have an identity when we were given a character to play at the age of six?

My brain: Because he holds an extreme amount of control and power, whereas you feel powerless because of the fact you were born in a cult and are at odds with your own sexuality, forming the notion that you have little to no control in your own life. You also find a way to subconsciously look past his horrible traits because you see yourself as a monster, even if you aren't abusive, manipulative, or evil like he is. It just so happens that Vivienne made a monster that you identify with and (to an extent) desperately want to be. You broken, limp wristed fool.

Me:

they said you’re smart.

they said you’re brave.

they said you’re bold.

and i believed them.

they say everyone has three faces: one, you show it to the world. second, you show it to close friends. and third, you never show it anyone.

and now that they are gone, now that i am all alone, all by myself, now that it’s just me and my existence, who am i? am i bold and brave? am i quick and smart? am i loyal?

everything that i was, i was for them, because of them. now that they’re gone and now that i don’t have to be brave or smart or witty, who am i?

i’m someone’s sister, i’m someone’s daughter, i’m someone’s friend. i’m just another face in the crowd. i’m nothing, i’m nobody.

people say loneliness does things to mind that nobody can explain. i say i was always lonely, yet being alone has driven me to this point.

doctors will give name to this. but like everyone else, doctors will be gone too.