#realaf

Let me introduce myself through these words

Ive never been the type that screamed to be heard

Not gonna sugar coat shit, and let me say my story is disturbed

From day 1 I never stood a chance

My birth mother was a junkie, a baby wasn’t in her plans

Born into withdrawal; my skin crawls

No fucks given at all

In and out of foster homes, a little girl should never feel alone

Tough love was all I got, I used to cry a lot

Pissed off at the world for treating me cold

Wreckless & out of control was what I Ben told

Clear to see I was on a dangerous road

My free spirit died way too soon

Right then I knew I was doomed

Chained up to a substance, accustomed to destruction

Cant be trusted, family and friends are disgusted

The day came that I finally got busted

Cuffed up for burglary

The guy needed surgery

It was all just a blur to me

Cant stay out of jail, I never go bail

I was in too deep, making promises I

couldn’t keep.

Rehab after rehab, relapse after relapse

My soul is collapsed, is there any coming back?

Losing weight on the daily, mindset is hazy every morning sweating, shaky yelling

at God like “Please take me!”

I look at my surrounding, dirty needles with

the orange caps, brown cotton on the burnt

spoons, on the table there is residue

Walking the streets, no where to go

Starting to get sick, stealing, robbing, lying

anything to get my fix

That was never enough, I had to start turning trix

How the fuck did I get like this?

Hopeless, headed no where

feeling nothing, not even fear

cant even force out a tear

This is the last of my binge

I hear my heart cringe

As I stick in the syringe,

Over and over again

Till there’s blood flowing in

I see the color red

I push it all In as I sit on the bed

my head falls down,

My mouth turns to a frown

Eyes slowly close as

I overdose, all alone until my demons

We all need an outlet. So as I welcome any reader along my journey, I am also welcoming myself. I am here to remind myself that staying in tune with who we are is important. Life is beautiful and I am here to also remind myself that through the ups and downs of everyday, we will all be ok. I have had my fair share of every emotion on the emotion radar, but everyday when we rise in the morning and have our coffee (or tea, no judgements here) that its a new day. I am guilty of sometimes having a Monday mentality, that when I’m having a bad Tuesday, Thursday, or Blahday, that the whole week is ruined. And it will only be ok when a new week starts. FALSE. Our brain knows that’s not logically true. But damnit, I know its hard to get out of a funk sometimes. I am here to turn those bad days, those embarrassing lessons, and hard truths into fuel for growth, self reflection, and grace. I am guilty of sharing only good times in my life, only pretty pictures, but man sometimes that’s not real. I am here to let my guard down. I want to be real and raw, with some humor of course. The truth is, sometimes its scary to be vulnerable for fear of being judged. This is a no judgement zone. So, as much as I am here for myself, I am here for you. 

Love, ButterBaby