#existential boredom

Don’t forget to put on your human suit

Before you step out into the rain

And pop your umbrella open

Or sinch your hood around your neck

So that your face doesn’t get wet,

So you don’t show up at work

Looking like

You felt the wind in your hair and

Rain on your skin  

Cool air on your nose,

Looking like

You remembered for several paces,

On your walk from the door to your car,

That there’s more

Than dour, lifeless office carpet and

Staying up just a little longer, mostly to let my stomach settle (this is a lie). We ate dinner late tonight on account of having a late lunch and me going to a city council meeting for most of the evening and returning late. Also just took some vitamins and some medicine, and while that doesn't need to settle, it would be nice to chase it with some more liquids. (The lie: I'm staying up because I want to, damn it, and I don't want to go to bed yet.)

Sleep has been rough this week. Really, the week has been rough this week. Plenty of nights I had a hard time falling asleep; and then had one the other night where I woke up at 4AM or 5AM and Could Not Get Back to Sleep. Which is very unusual for me. Partly it was because I couldn't breathe - my nose was stuffed up, thanks to my questionable respiratory system - but more than that I needed something else going on in order to fall back asleep. Mind you, this was only a few hours after I'd finally made myself fall asleep in the first place, so it wasn't like I was well-rested. I did eventually get myself back to sleep by listening to some thunder sounds through headphones (noise bothers Hearthsnail at night most of the time), but damn. That was rough. (I was bored. I was so fucking bored that I couldn't sleep. I was existentially bored and frustrated from the week, which was rough.)

Like I said, the week was rough this week. It's been too long since I've had an adventure, and it's really quite eye-opening just how much a need that actually is. As in, I turn into the fucking joker if I've been cooped up or in the same rut too long. Just become an unbelievably crappy person to be around, and become volatile and moody and prone to just leaving for a day at a time and not telling anyone where I'm going or where I am. All the hard thoughts and feelings creeping back in - self-destructive impulses, and the deep apathy and despair - much less the inability to focus on anything, which makes working or even just playing a near-impossibility.

It sucks to have weird additional needs that are actual real needs that just, like. Don't exist for anyone else. It makes them feel frivolous and not real. But seriously. It's been too many weeks in a row since we went on an adventure - since before Thanksgiving, I think, since that trip ended up not giving me much of what I need on that count - so the last few weeks, and this week especially, were rough. You know what also sucks? I went on one hike yesterday - one hike to somewhere that wasn't even particularly fulfilling, to do a hike that I didn't particularly want to do, to at least force myself to spend some time outside and get some exercise; and I'm reasonably normal again today. Like, night and fucking day. I fucking resent that it's so clearly the problem and the solution, and ugh. It's more of a band-aid than a long-term fix - doing something I've done a million times doesn't really scratch that itch, but the nature and physical exertion at least stabilize it a bit - so I'm going to need to find a way to get some adventure time in over the upcoming winter break (which I am dreading because, what if it's just another two weeks of doing nothing). But it helps. That; and a city council meeting; and making some new dishes I haven't cooked before for dinner; helps.

(The other part that sucks is that - like the sleep hours versus brain time - there are too many needs that I have for all of them to be fulfillable individually. The only way to truly get me what I need is to double and triple up on things - which is why camping and hiking is such a mainstay pick. It's the nature time, and the physical exertion, and the completely disconnecting from the rest of the world to exist in real time for a little while. I wish I could find more ways to double up like that, just to have more options in my book.)