The Loss of Poetry

No throuple. No free love. More like Anaïs Nin + her two husbands only my partners know about each other's existence. I have one primary + one secondary. My secondary has me + one primary + our primaries do not have live secondary connections of their own at this moment, so, yeah, safety isn't that hard when your partner/exposure network is a small closed loop.

I do like a simpler one myself, but some people have much more sprawling networks + will have to be much more active in terms of testing frequency, communication, etc to remain ethical + responsible. I personally don't have the energy or wish to navigate that complexity, lol.

The primary/secondary split is somewhat hierarchical for me, but probably not as hierarchical as you may expect. Things are not very rigid + there is no ever-increasing list of rules that we all must surveil ourselves + each other in line with to ensure compliance, instead there are fairly basic ones that focus primarily on ethics + care for everyone involved.

Since it happens even in more traditional structures, I don’t believe we can control people's feelings or if a partner will leave or cheat or lie through setting up a giant fence around any relationship. That is, to me, just the illusion of control. + I know from experience that I can only really control how I will deal with any choices others make that aren't in congruence with my desires for myself. Now, some people would disagree heavily with me on that + be much more strict with themselves + others in order to try to prevent xyz. Thankfully they don't need to date me.

Primaries are lived with, but my secondary + I still speak daily + try to visit each other 2 or so times a month for at least a day, a night, + part of another day. He either travels to my house or I travel into + across London to his when our primaries are elsewhere. I'd not just indiscrimately add more + more people to that. I care a lot about fit + no one getting the short end or feeling neglected.

But I've also had secondary connections that are less overtly romantic/enmeshed + more loose + my last one was that way, although he wasn't poly by rule + I think he struggled despite my near-militant care to never toe the line of various boundaries + implicit + explicit rules.

Ultimately, I think he wrestled with ambivalence due to feelings, wants, +/or experiences that he couldn't for whatever reason integrate peacefully into his life +/or psyche + so the friendship was tossed to reduce discomfort or existential strife. Or he wasn't into me at all + was just my friend for as long as it took to bed me several times. One must always accept that as a possibility I think, lol.

Anyway, I was still very happy in that connection + found it uniquely generative for my thinking + my art. We had a lot of intellectual + creative intimacy + respect + the sort of tenderness + true sense of play + safety with one another that comes with long-standing philia. This is kind of just meant to illuminate the different forms things can take + that it is okay for those forms to be different with different people as long as you're able to appreciate things for what they are with the knowledge that they may not last, be honest with yourself + those around you, + negotiate/renegotiate as things come up or change.