#empathy problems

For those who don’t know, Alexithymia is a disability that makes it so you have a hard time feeling your emotions and understanding other’s’ emotions, and also because of this you have a hard time empathizing with people. Additionally apparently 1 in 5 ppl with autism have Alexithymia (such like myself).

Sometimes I find it hard to just EXIST as someone who has this dude, cuz everyone just… expects you to understand people’s emotions?? Entirely??? Like on sight???? Idk it’s weird man. It’s especially hard when people who know still expect you to be able to, even though I literally can’t??? Like tf am I supposed to do???? This all kinda led to whenever I’m trying to help ppl with issues, I always default to rationalizing because it’s kinda the only thing I can do, but I know sometimes people need more than me telling them “That’s not true!”.

Another problem is people misunderstanding what “a lack of empathy” means. Firstly, I’m not unfeeling. I still care deeply for my friends and loved ones, I just can’t cross that socio-emotional bridge, y’know? Secondly, I can still sympathize with people, which yes, they are two different things. Empathy is being able to feel other people’s feelings. Crying when someone else is sad, becoming enraged when someone’s angry etc., Sympathy is just feeling for another person’s situation.

My whole process with when someone shares bad news or something they’re going through is basically:

Person: My dog died.

Me: Ah, that’s bad, I’m sorry you’re going through that.

What was this post exactly? Idk, I guess sometimes I feel like my existence is a bit anachronistic… I’m someone who cares for people, and yet I can barely connect with anyone… feels lonely, like I’m some monster, yk?

I feel so drained. Something happened Friday night that really fucked my head and I haven’t been right since. All that happened was my mom told me a story about some family members we lost to suicide and how-which I had not known as I was FAR too young to hear about this before.

I don’t think I’ll ever forget that night. I’ve been trying to but nothing feels the same anymore. I really feel like that was a core memory/world view changing. I remember feeling tectonic plates shifting under me before. And those are moments I haven’t forgotten. Ever. Not a second. I can full world hallucinate them at will even. They are STUCK THERE. I think this night will be one of those.

I have no one to talk to about these things. It’s not anyone’s fault. My illnesses make it basically impossible to confide in, open up to, or speak of anything truly troubling or going on inside of me. There are demons that were there ages before my body even materialized, and they have rules I MUST FOLLOW. Punishments are horrific, so I follow. But I’ve been noticing that it’s a very draining position to find myself in. I don’t know how to explain these things within my limits.

Imagine going though a change so intense you feel it just as much physically as emotionally, even more so spiritually. One of those times you find a piece of yourself and the whole puzzle starts to ripple. It’s so much, you know it’s important and serious. It SHOULD be discussed. It SHOULD be explored. Because if I don’t explore it I feel I could actually just explode into a million pieces.

But

I

Can’t

Even

Open

My

Mouth

They’ve

Sewn it

Shut.