this is probably a common one but I feel like I've been increasingly afraid I'll never be able to find a romantic partner while being ace. It boggles me just how "important" or "nessesssary" so many people seem to find it? I'm terrified that showing this part of me to people I crush on will make them never give me a chance, or think differently of me, or despise me somehow. Its even worse when I think of online dating- how many potential partners would be driven away by it? How bad would things be if I leave it off my info but then have to explain it later? Expecially these days when it seems like a lot of people are having issues getting partners, is this just one more thing pushing me further from others?
The dreaded question of 'do I put it in the bio so its the first thing they see, bury it later in the bio so they see it later, or hide it until we're talking'
Reminder that you don't need a romantic partner to live a great life, and your aspec and ally brethren are always there if you do keep trying! Someone will get it!
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Vent writing (gore, body horror and similar purposely uncomfortable imagery under the cut)
Dedicated to the anger of a sex-repulsed asexual
Repulsion
Tongues slithered over each other like snakes fighting to the death, bruises crashed into the neck, collarbones, shoulders and chest aching like they came from punches, redness around the neck from the death grip of stone cold fingers. Uneven rough breaths rushed out between the suffocated gasps and the clashing of sharply chapped lips, humid breaths falling into each other and breaking apart the slimy bridges of saliva.
Clothes fell with metal zippers and buttons ringing against the floor, the pressing of hot sweaty skin against the freezing wall met with a hiss akin to that of near-molten metal being poured over with cold water. Voices hoarse and almost creaky from exhaustion melted into an untouchable lava-like alloy of bitter hatred and sour heat. It was enough to burn ears to a crisp, to burn a bloody flush into faces. Teeth dug into the shoulder, leaving behind two rows of marks from which blood almost screamed its wish to stream out of its vessel confines and onto the skin. With almost enough strength to decapitate, the whole head of hair was forced into a fist and pulled backwards. With enough vigor to tear a throat open, nails dug into the thin skin of the neck in retaliation. With enough hatred to kill an army, both bodies clashed within the freezing darkness, the hairs on their body straining upwards from the cold and the overwhelming pain.
Disgust. Hatred. Detest. Fury.
Scratches. Bruises. Sores. Bites.
Pure repulsion accompanied by intoxication with suffocatingly bitter smoke. Acid burned through tensed muscles as legs wrapped with crushing power around the waist, arms seeking out more skin to scratch and draw hot blood that would only come to mix with disgustingly sticky sweat.
Almost mangled-looking bodies twisted together against the now more heated wall. Squishy and warm entrails contracted, pulsed and squelched, the sounds of the intrusion resembling the spilling of gory viscera and only coming off more sickening with the hissing, growling and howling echoing off of the walls. Animalistic cruelty of violent frictions, the noise resembling rummaging through organs, the skin around the shoulder blades being scratched raw as if it was rubbing against sandpaper was all near vomit-inducing.
The scene was near incomprehensible. Disgustingly unsightly. Its beholding felt like whisking both eyeballs with a dull rusty fork. Like stabbing a splintery stick into the brain and rummaging through it, leaving it a mushy oozing mess.
Revulsion. Loathing. Nausea. Detestation.
The disgust permeated every cell of the body like a deadly toxin, making them try to tear themselves apart with the sole need to spill out all their contents into the empty space, hoping to erase the poison from themselves. Organs tried to twist themselves inside out, burning bile and stomach acid battling to escape the body as saliva pooled and dripped from the mouth in a precautionary alarm. Fingers ticked and twitched with the urge to dig into the eyes and hair to break the skull open, leaving the contents it’s meant to protect pasletered into the wall and leaking down onto the cold floor in chunks with wet plops. Or into the wrists, to leave chunks of skin and blood underneath the already dirty nails to set the blood free to paint the floor with a metallically-smelling crimson. Limbs convulsed, the neck thrashed to break open. Everything wanted to rip open to flee the dread and aversion of the inescapable. That is the only way to scrub off the near sooted burn out of the mind and the world around it. At least that way, it would all be clean of the repulsion.
Lovers twisted and morphed into animals ripping each other apart in a beastly starvation. The reek of innards and the deafening croaking shrieks of supposed pleasure turned into the blood-choked gurgling of near-death. The urge to let the inner organs escape with hard enough pushing on the throat to puke stood in place of any desire. The sight of those same two people clawing each other apart and biting through each other’s intestines would still make a more appealing image. Who wouldn’t rather drown in bleach, searing from the inside out but clean, or be torn apart piece by piece with dull rotting fangs, or have every bone mashed to dust still in their fleshy and bloody confines with a sledgehammer in place of this? This act, which makes it easier to send a bullet through the brain or cut the tongue off than to call it beautiful or, god forbid, loving.
Ok so, just as a preface, this isn’t me self hating on myself for being aroace. I still have my ups and downs with it, but generally speaking I’m accepting of the fact that I’m aroace and ok with it. But something that I’ve been feeling lately is just…feeling out of place when I’m with other queer people, outside of like 2 close friends. I advocate for aro/ace being recognized as being a valid queer/LGBT+ identities, but I still feel out of place. Back when I ID’d as bi and gay these feelings weren’t there. Idk, and it doesn’t help that I just recently stumbled across posts of some people saying ace isn’t lgbt and is never going to be comparable to their experiences as gay people.
I don’t really know where this is going , I just needed to vent it somewhere. I wish I felt like my identity was a valid queer one but sometimes it’s hard to feel that way. Sometimes it feels like I’m lying about being queer even though I am
Sometimes I wonder how much my own aceness could be related to my severe body dysphoria/dysmorphia and it distresses me out a lot. Like.... if I had a different body, would it suddenly stop disgusting me? If I was different, if so much was different, how much would it change me? Would it change anything? Would it still be just as repulsive to imagine even if I felt more like myself? It always feels weird to think about.
Repping the dysphoric/dysmorphic acespecs and questioning acespecs out there
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Their was ace discourse on tumblr from 2017, which affected a lot of ace people on tumblr even by our own community that should be with us instead of against us. While I dont know what exactly happened in that event, I feel immensely sorry for every ace person during this. By all means, feel free to vent about it in this post. Your voices deserves to be respected and heard.
I hate the feeling that i’m too queer for a predominantly queer space sex repulsion and asexuality in general are never a fucking struggle for me until i’m constantly reminded of how different i am from the vast majority of the population .
No matter how much I could try and conform and pretend to fit in I’ll only end up so disgusted I’d want to scratch my brain out if not just triggered out of my own mind and immensely uncomfortable
I want to fit in and relate so badly but I’ll feel outcasted again and again even if it’s completely unintentional from the other side . They’re just that way just like how i’m this way . Maybe I do need the reminders and reality checks that I Will struggle socially because of how I’m wired and I won’t always be lucky to find people who relate and understand, maybe I’m exaggerating all of this and just having a hysterical moment
I know I’m not in need of fixing just because of my identity and how it is at the moment but I hate hate hate hate feeling singled out everywhere except a circle of like 3 or 4 people to the point where it almost makes me feel wrong
I feel very fractured and weak . I hate being a minority within a minority within a minority . Constantly triggering my fear of wounding up alone whenever I try to interact with a broader circle of people
I feel like a whiny crybaby. I feel revolting and revolted.