#double depression

not the sharp kind that announces itself and gets treated.

The kind that has been present so long it stopped feeling like an event and started feeling like a condition of existing.

Tonight I am in this pain.

My body has been telling me things for years. Today I got some of it in writing: my spine curves two directions.

discs that have been pressing on things they shouldn't.

levels of my neck that are already compromised in ways that explain things I was told were habits

or carelessness

or just how I am.

Stumbling over my feet. "Pick up your feet, you're ruining your shoes!"

I got proof today of things I already knew.

and somehow having the proof doesn't feel like winning.

It just feels hollow

"Make you comfortable" echos from my doctor. She sent the results right to neurosurgery. Not likely good.

On top of that? I have double depression.

I want to say that plainly because it gets flattened so often into something smaller than it is.

I do not have a baseline that dips sometimes. I have a baseline that has never been at ground level. Every smile and good day I have is a battle. I am so tired of it looking like ease.

Tonight I wanted to wail and I have nowhere to put it.

The anguish sits on my chest like an anchor and I just lay there with it.

I have loved people with everything I had. I have shown up. I have held things together quietly and taken up as little space as I could manage

I have always tried to be the kind of person who closes their loops. When I have all the information I can usually act the way thet is wanted of me. But like Ragatha, people take issue with me, but somehow they can't make their complaints really coherent, as I wait for people to decide what they want.

I have practiced radical acceptance, not as a therapy exercise, but I built it because the ceiling was always low and fighting it cost more than it returned. I will only ever have so much autonomy. I have to work in the system.

Tonight I just felt the loneliness of that.

The specific loneliness of being cooperative in a world full of people who are not.

Of being seen partially,

or incorrectly,

or not at all.

Of having a body full of documented damage and a dopamine system that has never worked right and a nervous system that doesn't know how to stand down, and still being the one who sends the soft version.

No matter how many times that is met with harshness.

I am not nothing.

I know that in the abstract.

I cannot feel it tonight.

I also cannot pretend otherwise.

I am alive and I will remain so as long as I remain so. 🎵 My heart won't stop beating till my lungs stop breathing. 🎶

Out Of Sight Out of Mind |  さるものはひびにうとし

I thought for Mental Health Awareness, I’d write about Double Depression. It’s my official diagnosis and also the name is hilarious. I mean. Ya’ll really called it Double Depression huh.

I’m going to try to keep this short. I’m only explaining my experiences and don’t speak for everyone who suffers with the disorder.

What’s Double Depression?

Double depression is the official name of a mood disorder where patients seem to have Persistent Depressive Disorder (PDD; previously dysthymia) punctuated by Major Depressive Disorder (MDD).

MDD is what most people think of when they think of depression. It’s the most common type, consisting of a 6-24 month period of severely lowered mood as well as some other symptoms.

PDD is a little bit more rare only because it’s hard to spot. People who suffer with PDD often feel isolated or alienated even among depression support groups. Consider your normal mood as a baseline neutral. An episode of MDD would make your baseline mood dip lower into “very sad”. People with PDD have a baseline neutral just above other people’s major depressive episodes.

Here’s a chart if that’s confusing:

When they suffer with MDD, their lowered mood is much more severe. Some people—like me—who have suffered since adolescence don’t really know what it’s like to be happy. Our happiness is most people’s neutral baseline.

What’s it like to have Double Depression?

Uh. Well. I’ve had it as long as I can remember. Before I knew I had PDD on top of the MDD, I just thought, “Wow. What if this is just how I am? What if something’s wrong with me?” I could recognize that I was “sad” all the time and thought people were lying about being able to… exist without sadness or grief or pain.

When I was happy, it was such mundane joy. It was hard to justify the slog of life for what a cup of coffee feels like to most people.

How do you manage?

I have to set myself up for a lot of little successes. Doing stuff to prepare future me. Like hanging my clothes up in color order so I can easily find what I want to wear or cleaning the cat bowls in the evening so they’re easier to find in the morning.

It keeps me moderately happy or at a normal mood baseline.

Other than that, I seek therapy and take birth control. For some reason, birth control really helps moderate my mood. 🤷‍♂️ So I avoid things like melatonin that can inhibit birth control and prepare myself for sugar pill week.

In conclusion…