#couples privilege

My neighbour, when I told him my only means of transport were my bike and buses: "Oh, mine too! Well, my wife has a car, but I can't drive it."

My brother in christ!! You and your wife live together! I guarantee you have never stuffed your backpack with groceries!

Or my brother, when he told me it was gross I do my dinner dishes every morning because then they sit overnight, and I responded I was too tired to do it after work, biking home, and making dinner: "Well, my wife just cooks dinner every night and then I do the dishes."

TikTok by @relationship_anarchy

[beginning of transcript]

So a few folks commented that they have a Primary Partner and they don't exercise Veto Power in their relationship. First of all, I love feedback - thank you. Second of all, my heart is so happy to know that you all are not using Veto Power out there - [Veto Power] creates a lot of harm for people. Let's get into some nuance here.

I practice Solo Polyamory - that means that I see myself as a single unit like, I am my Primary Partner. For people who practice Hierarchical Polyamory, and they have a Primary Partner, they are navigating relationships as a unit with their partner. So it's not like you're a single unit, you and your partner are a unit.

There is power in privilege that comes with couples status because of the mononormative world that we live in. No matter how you decide to use that power and privilege, the most important thing at the end of the day is to acknowledge the power dynamic that exists. Because if you don't acknowledge it upfront - which it sounds like a lot of yall are already doing this which is great - if you don't acknowledge it upfront than it can actually show up and you won't even notice that it's there - you could be doing it on accident.

I'm guessing you're probably feeling really frustrated right now. I mean, you likely came into this polyam group sincerely looking for help/advice on how to go about adding a third person to your relationship and now you’re feeling like everyone is attacking you and telling you you're wrong for wanting to have the polyamorous relationship of your dreams.

But, here's the thing…we know something that you don't; we know that triads are hard. Like really freaking hard. They're expert level polyamory and require skills that you just simply don't have yet. You’re just not ready for it.

It's obvious to us that you're not there yet in the language that you use; you're centering your relationship and the needs and wants of you and your partner and how to add a third person to it. And that's not what triads are about. At all.

And if you go into it like that, if you try and start a triad before you're ready, you're gonna leave a path of destruction in your wake. We know, we've seen it, many of us have experienced it. And it's not pretty.

So, until you start picking up some of the skills you need, you're gonna be suggested to date separately, you're gonna be encouraged to examine your preconceived relationship beliefs, you're gonna be invited to examine the couples privilege you have and do the work to dismantle it before its used as a weapon against others.

55: The Cultural Pull of Romantic Pairing

I really like the idea and concept of polyamory but I'm scared that if I try it and decide I'd rather go back to being exclusive with my original partner that it'll be too unfair. Is that normal or is that being selfish?

You’ve set up a false dichotomy in your question, there - that is both normal and selfish. It is really common for monogamous couples to try “opening up” their relationship, decide that didn’t work for them, and “close it back up.”

In theory, this is fine - it’s totally okay to try things and decide you don’t like them. That is, in fact, the point of trying things. You’re not obligated to do something forever just because you wanted to try it.

But in reality, this creates a lot of pain and heartbreak for the other people involved. Imagine if someone started dating you, and then, for a reason that you have zero control over, on the whims of someone else, just dropped you. It hurts! This pattern is often referred to as “couples privilege” in the polyamorous community. 

That’s not to say that it can’t or shouldn’t be done. Just that you should be careful, self-aware, and go into it with very clear, honest, open terms and expectations. Do as much self-work as possible in the beginning, unpack your own baggage, get your own house in order. Talk with your partner about best and worse case scenarios. Daydream together about what you’d like. Strategize together about meeting needs.

If you do decide to take this step, make sure anyone you date knows that your relationship with your partner takes priority and may ultimately be a threat. Be patient about the fact that you’ll have a hard time finding someone to date on those terms. Consider starting out with something casual, identified as a fling or no-strings-attached arrangement. Be as gentle and giving as possible with any other person you date or sleep with. Keep them informed about where you are emotionally, and give them space to express where they are.