I've always tried to be a serial NONmonogamist.
That probably sounds kinda funny. Because I still have multiple relationships in parallel, it's true. But my approach to NEW relationships is serial.
As in: I don't start pursuing new connections unless I am pretty sure I wouldn't be beyond my polysaturation point if I kept seeing everyone I'm already seeing AND anyone new I'm pursuing.
I'm looking for long-term, ongoing relationships, regardless of how often I see the person. So I go into every first date with the baseline assumption that it will go that way, even though of course there's no guarantee it will, which is also okay. Once I know I've got enough partners + prospective partners to consider myself polysaturated, I hold off on going on any more first dates until the sum total of my existing/prospective relationships means I still have room to add someone new. Sometimes, this happens even without a breakup, such as when I figure out that schedules mean a new sweetie and I can only see each other pretty rarely. And sometimes it happens because of a breakup.
But I never want it to happen because my eyes were bigger than my stomach. I've experienced how rotten it feels to realize you've been passed over for a shiny new thing, even when the person you've been seeing wasn't necessarily UNinterested in you. They've just gotten in over their head, and due to the limited number of hours in the day, ended up choosing someone other than you.
This year marks a decade I've been polyamorous, which is wild to think about. Anyway, my approach seemed to work reasonably well for me for, hmm, maybe the first five years or so. I don't really know what shifted since then. And I don't know if it's a shift in my local scene or if it's widespread. I'm interested to hear if others have noticed this, too. The problem I've been running into in more recent years is that more, if not most, people on the nonmongamous dating scene are dating in parallel, not serially.
The approach I see is that people go on dates freely. Over time, they figure out which connections they want to invest in. The other people may be formally told they're no longer a priority, but more likely, they get breadcrumbed. We're all supposed to be chill, keeping things casual by default unless or until two people just so happen to align in wanting more.
This...has caused me problems. I'm the antithesis of a casual dater. Sometimes feelings don't develop for one or both people, and that's okay. Sometimes I would rather be FWB. But I tend to figure that out later, only after getting to know someone with the intent of figuring out whether we're a match for a serious LTR.
Turns out there's a clash between these approaches that has led to me feeling disempowered. What happens is that I take someone at their word early in dating when they say they're interested in seeing me again but they don't name a time, for whatever reason. Because I believe their words, I do not schedule other first dates because I do not want to let a new person down when the previous person comes back around. The feeling I've had is that by saying "yes, let me know when you're free!" to the first person, I then owe it to them to keep enough availability in my schedule to follow through when they come back and name the times they're free.
And to an extent, that's true; that IS how I want to be. And I still offer it. But I've been needing to put a much shorter time limit on that than I have in the past.
Because I've spent weeks, months even, avoiding swiping on dating apps or trying to meet new people while waiting for someone who's put me on hold but never actually comes back around. As a serial dater myself, I want to take someone seriously when they say they're going to get back to me about scheduling. Because if I say something like that, I mean it. And if I realize after saying it that I didn't really mean it (because yes, I've been there too!), I circle back to the person, apologize, and tell them that I've realized I'm not feeling a connection. Unfortunately, I've learned others don't reliably do the same. (Disclaimer: I know that sometimes, direct communication to reject someone can be unsafe. I don't fault people for avoiding it in that situation.)
So that I don't put my dating life on hold anymore for parallel daters, my new approach is more like this: If someone says they'd like to see me again but can't say when (especially if they don't name a time *when* they'll be able to make a plan), I let them know that I'd love to hear from them, and that if my availability still allows when they're ready to schedule, I'd be happy to make a plan.
That "if my availability still allows" bit is the crux of it.
In the past, I would have thought that it was my obligation to people I already knew not to move on when they say their interest is still there. Now, I know that I'm in charge of how long I'm willing to wait. I worried about letting down a new person. Now, I know that I don't have to: I can choose to prioritize the new person I've met, assuming they're reliably scheduling time with me, and I can instead turn down the person who kept me on the back burner.
This doesn't mean I always will need to do that! Maybe the previous person comes back around and I happen to still have space. I'll probably be genuinely happy to schedule with them if so. This isn't about punishing them.
Also, the longer I've known someone with a pattern of seeing them, the more flexible I'm likely to be: Trust builds up over time. I usually like to know during or shortly after a date when my next date will be with someone; clearly, I'm a planner. I used to consider that a non-negotiable, but I've gotten more flexible about that over time. Still, there are limits. Eventually, I've got to know roughly how often I'm going to see someone (through actions, not just words), or I'll end up holding space for them that I could be offering to someone else (and also myself, to build the love life that I want).
