🧿

No, actually I can.

I can do exactly that. If I want to see them multiple times a week with no commitment and no exclusivity I can.

If I want to cuddle and kiss and not be any more intimate than that I can.

If I want to go on fun dates and spend time together and have little adventures but never call them my partner I can.

If I want to do these things with multiple people at the same time I can.

If I want to call it hanging out instead of dating I can.

If I want to keep things private but also post us being silly on my close firends stories I can.

I can do anything I want to as long as all the parties in the relationship are happy and it's not hurting anyone.

Idunno. Love to me is inherently boundless, infinite. So that's a meaningless question, I guess.

But I don't think that's probably the question you're trying to ask.

I think they question you're trying to ask is:

What if they're thinking about the other person when they're with me?

What if they want to spend more time with the other person than I'm comfortable with? More than they spend with me?

What if I feel less loved than I did before?

What if I can't escape the feeling of being secondary, even if its not true?

And I think a good practice is to actually answer the question instead of treating them as just anxious hypotheticals.

now if only we can figure out four…

How many time do I need to reccomend the Smart Girl's Guide To Polyamory by Dedecker Winston! I feel like I never shut up about it and still people have never heard of it! I am just going to create a quick list of all the polyam books I have read. Because when I was first learning about polyamory it felt like you were required to read certain books before you could get your polyamory license yet so many other people haven't read any books! One day I might write out longer reviews for these.

The Ethical Slut: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships & Other Adventures by Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy- This is one of the first ever books focused on polyamory. As such it is a bit dated. Despite that I think it is still a good book that people can get a lot out of. Just keep its age in mind.

More Than Two: A Practical Guide to Ethical Polyamory by Franklin Veaux and Eve Rickert - When I started learning about polyamory this was the holy bible of polyamory that everyone insisted that everybody must read. I honestly liked The Ethical Slut better though. Since then though the book has been utterly condemned by the community and people are now very quick to scream how nobody should read this book because Franklin Veaux was revealed to be abusive in his relationships so now suddenly the book is a guide to teach people how to be abusive in relationships. I guess??? Eve Ricket has put out multiple statements about the book about if people should still read it or not but I am sure I will miss something if I dive into that. Like more The Ethical Slut, just keep in mind it might have some problematic aspects. But I personally think there is still some good stuff in it that people might find value in. It has been a while since I read it but I don't remember it being problematic, just a bit dry and boring.

The Smart Girl's Guide To Polyamory by Dedecker Winston - I'm skipping right to this to say this is my favorite polyamory book! It is very unfortunate that that the title isn't great. And indeed it is written to be aimed at women but honestly I found very very little in the book to feel exclusive to women and not apply to me (a cis-male) just as much. I love this book so much that I re-typed up a passage from it, had it printed on a large poster, and framed.

Sex At Dawn: How We Mate, Why We Stray, and What It Means for Modern Relationships by Christopher Ryan and Cacilda Jetha - This is another book that used to be worshipped in polyamory circles and wholehearted reccomended. I am so glad that it is now mostly forgotten. Why? BECAUSE THIS IS NOT A POLYAMORY BOOK! This is a very scientific anti-monogamy book. So I was waiting for all this set-up to talk about why polyamory fixes all these problems of monogamy it has taken so long to explain. Spoilers! Polyamory is only briefly mentioned in the epilogue of the book in a half-hearted, "Maybe this solution works for some people". Let's be clear, this is not a bad book. It is a very good book at using scientific evidence to point out flaws with monogamy and can lead to interesting discussion. But it is not a polyamroy book and shouldn't be recommended as such.

Love's Not Color Blind: Race and Representation in Polyamorous and Other Alternative Communities by Kevin Patterson - Another great book that is highly underrated. But note this is not a Polyamory 101 book. I consider this a "next-level" polyamory book. And to be clear I am white/Caucasian and I learned so much from this book and really love it! It opened my eyes in so many ways.

The Polyamorists Next Door: Inside Multiple-Partner Relationships and Families by Elisabeth Sheff - This isn't a bad book but I also didn't really find it to be a good book either. It feels neither pro-polyamory or anti-polyamory. Just a whole lot of stories and facts. I think it might be most interesting for a monogamous person to read.

Polyamory by Marissa Blake - Worst book I have ever listened to and I am pretty sure it is plagiarized. Been meaning to do a project where I research that claim but just haven't been interested in doing so. it is utter garbage.

The Polyamory Breakup Book: Causes, Prevention, and Survival by Kathy Labriola - Another advanced level polyamory book. But I think an especially important one for everyone to read. When you date more people you have more breakups. And when "cheating" is far less of an issue it is becomes hard to understand when you should breakup.

Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Nonmonogamy by Jessica Fern - The new holy bible of polyamory that everybody in every polyamory group will recommend immediately. It is a good book but honestly I think it is overrated. I think it is aimed at a very certain kind of person struggling with polyamory but it didn't resonate a whole lot with me on a polyamory level. I thought Secure Attachment was very interesting but I felt the actual polyamory aspects of the book were a little lacking to me. I do recommend the book but maybe not as someone's first polyamroy book. I think there are better polyamory 101 books. To note I have not read Polywise yet, the authors sequel book that just came out. I think I have higher hopes for that one though.

Ready For Polyamory by Laura Boyle - Most recent book I read and I had wanted to write a full review but I forgot. This is a fairly good book. I feel like it doesn't stand out much from the other Polyamory 101 books but overall solid. The one place where I give it the most praise is it has the most up-to-date definitions of terms which over the years have evolved and changed over time. The spectrum of polyamory styles I think is especially important for people to read. Older books didn't mention this at all or it was only Parelle VS Kitchen Table. Now we have a much wider spectrum and I often see a common mistake for newbies is for 2 partners to be at different point of the spectrum and never acknowledging it.

Been a while but I checked in on my messages today and had a decent number of folks asking how to start with poly and get into the community. Starting off can feel overwhelming and everyone is throwing recommendations at you. Ill lay out a simple few ideas here I think are a solid place to start. 1: Read "The Ethical Slut" by Dossie Easton and Janet Hard. Its a solid basis for the aspects of self and society you will need to face opening up to ENM (ethical non monogamy).

2: Follow Polyland blog and poke through their posts. Its a decent blog for beginners and easily accessible.

3: visit and read the https://www.unicorns-r-us.com/ website. Its a really solid break down of unicorn hunting and being/seeking a 3rd. There are a lot of common pitfalls that folks hit when starting ENM. Unicorns R Us is a great way to help you avoid them.

4: look on facebook for poly groups in your area. Many areas have groups that set up regular munches or meetups for folks that wanna connect as a community. Discord often has these too but they are invite so facebook ends up being the connection point. Get together and chill.

5: once you have a basic understanding I would recommend reading: Polysecure, & Love is Not Color Blind. Two excellent second step books to help you in your ENM journey.

God.

1 in 5.

You're very likely just behaving as a human: even if you share certain occasional traits with your caregivers or any other human being you may consider "bad", you aren't doomed to be a bad person too. Not to mention that probably you have picked up a behaviour from your parents to save yourself, and this doesn't mean you're a copy of them at all: this single trait of you doesn't define you. And you can even unlearn this trait with time and patience, and welcoming it for the time being, just to understand where it comes from and care for it (our shadow traits are still part of us, a scared part of us, a scared mini-us -our child version, if you want-, and we cannot pretend they'll heal and leave us alone if we keep them at a distance and don't wanna listen to them. I mean... how can a child stop crying if you close them in a dark room alone?)

You can change anything you want of yourself as you grow more in touch with yourself and become aware also all the differences you share with your parents/caregivers. Focus on these too, not just on what may make you occasionally similar. This trigger is just a reminder of where you were and the journey you're going through to become yourself.