#primary partner

TikTok by @relationship_anarchy

[beginning of transcript]

So a few folks commented that they have a Primary Partner and they don't exercise Veto Power in their relationship. First of all, I love feedback - thank you. Second of all, my heart is so happy to know that you all are not using Veto Power out there - [Veto Power] creates a lot of harm for people. Let's get into some nuance here.

I practice Solo Polyamory - that means that I see myself as a single unit like, I am my Primary Partner. For people who practice Hierarchical Polyamory, and they have a Primary Partner, they are navigating relationships as a unit with their partner. So it's not like you're a single unit, you and your partner are a unit.

There is power in privilege that comes with couples status because of the mononormative world that we live in. No matter how you decide to use that power and privilege, the most important thing at the end of the day is to acknowledge the power dynamic that exists. Because if you don't acknowledge it upfront - which it sounds like a lot of yall are already doing this which is great - if you don't acknowledge it upfront than it can actually show up and you won't even notice that it's there - you could be doing it on accident.

I don’t have any experience with poly relationships, but my understanding was that if you’re not the primary partner, you are essentially second best. That doesn’t mean that you’re a worse person, or a less important person, or a less attractive person. But isn’t a primary partner always going to be the primary romantic priority? If you’re the secondary partner, isn’t it important to accept that you are secondary, and not to expect your partner to be as equally committed to you as they are to their primary partner? 

I’m saying this because you’ve used the word ‘primary’, not because it’s impossible for two people to be equal partners to another person. I know there are plenty of poly relationships where two or more people are equally committed to the same person, or where every person involved is equally committed to each other. But if your partner has a partner who they refer to as ‘primary’, it makes sense to assume that you are ‘secondary’, and that they are more committed to their primary partner. 

Terminology Reid Mihalko and Allison Moon use to describe their relationships. -- More at: https://www.theopenphotoproject.com/r...

-- Allison: I think for me the word primary just means the household stuff, the life decision stuff. Like I wouldn't ever make a decision or changed my life drastically without talking to all the people in my life that matter. But for me, it's like, if I were to want to move Reid would really need to be on board with that, you know? 

 Reid: And ultimately to you can do whatever you want with your life. I kind of submit to that piece. And if you wanted to move, I would be figuring out how to make that work for me; for me to be getting what I needed from our relationship. 

 Allison: Most people misunderstand primary as being, you know, more important. And I guess I could see it that way, but at the same time the way I use it is, we share finances, we share a home, we share the electric bill. So that to me is what primary means: that you're just primary in my life in terms of the practical stuff. The difficulty extricating yourself creates a primacy 

 Interviewer: Are there other times you feel close to using? 

 Reid: We use partner. 

 Allison: We use my partner. 

 Reid: which is only confusing to people don't know us when Allie and I are at a business conference. People are like, “business partner?” 

 Allison: I think people in the straight world think that too. Because marriage is still the default for most of the world. So if I introduced him as my partner, people assume business partner unless were in a queer space.  In Urban space it looks a little bit more acceptable. But when we visit my folks in North Carolina this definitely a moment of "Wait wait who? What?" 

 Reid: Yeah. And it feels weird to use girlfriend. And you're not my fiancé.  Fiance is not really the word for that. 

 Allison: Honestly, usually if I'm talking to super normals, I call you my husband. 

Reid: Really? I'm never call you my wife. Should I? Allison: You have. You've done it before. 

 Reid: In my sleep? Allison: On road trips and stuff. When we're driving to the south. Reid: Oh! Yeah yeah yeah “this is my wife”. Or “I'm waiting for my wife”. It just makes more sense. 

 Allison: Yeah. They understand what that means and we won't be getting separate beds in a hotel. Introduce you as my partner its just like “oh you're on a business trip?". It's like “no, we’re on a sexy trip”. 

 Reid: What if I introduced you as my parole officer? 

 Allison: That's funny. Kind of. 

 Reid:  No ? OK. 

 Allison: More trouble than it's worth! 

 Reid: And we're in! It's on! 

 Interviewer: do you consider yourselves polyamorous, consensual non-monogamy, open, something else? 

 Allison: I use the term ‘open’. I hang out with poly people and I feel like people who identify as polyamorous tend to, in my experience have a slightly more activist leanings. Or it seems like in polyamory they're actively looking for more relationships. They want multiple relationships and don't feel fulfilled unless they have them. And again, that's just my own personal experience of people. For me I feel like I could be perfectly comfortable with one partner. Again, Reid and I were monogamish from the outside for a very long time, before I started seeing my girlfriend. 

 Reid:  I guess “monogamish” is a good term. We were still having threesomes and stuff. And I never stopped sleeping with all my friends. 

He has a primary partner, that's fine. But this bugs me? Maybe it's because she's local....or maybe he'll find her more interesting than me....or maybe I'll be replaced.

Actually...that's probably it. I'm worried about being replaced.

When I've done poly before I either was the primary partner, so I felt safe in the relationship, or I wasn't really that into the person, so there was nothing to lose.

Desiree