since i have a very small following, i feel safe being able to vent here. so today was thanksgiving, and it was pretty good overall. i tried to put aside my stress and anxiety and tried really hard to have a good day. i didn’t think about all the jobs i might not get or get. i didn’t think about how upset i am with where i am in life even though it won’t be forever, there’s something in my mind that doesn’t truly believe that. anyways, after seeing my family and eating i came home and went downstairs to take something up to my room. i overheard my mom describing to her sister on the phone about what’s been going on with our family lately-- bragging about my sister, always talking about all the things she is worried about with her, always finding a reason to feel sorry for her. then she started talking about me, i could tell because she seemed really distant in her voice. she complained about me not being able to find a job and how i’ve been “badly” behaving. it really hurt hearing it, she even made a comment about how i don’t move, like her girls do (my cousins are very thin and fit and i am not). she even went as far as to say how she’s embarrassed of me so much that she doesn’t want her older sisters to know about how disgusting i am. yes i’m disgusting to look at and i’m fully aware of it. anyways i went upstairs and applied to a few jobs, certain i wouldn’t get them, but i wanted to feel better about myself regardless of what happened. the holidays always seem to remind of me of all the reasons why i’m so not ok with who i am. i remember feeling sort of this way last year, i just remember feeling so depressed but i held it in and put on a happy face. i always knew my moms family thought low of me. they always faked it. yes i’m the only fat girl. yes i know they probably say even worse things about me behind my back, my moms says so much shit about me. anyways now my day is ruined and i’m writing this because i really don’t feel happy right now. i don’t feel ok. nothing on tv will help, nothing in a mall will help, nothing wrapped up in a box will help, even my mom was really trying me tonight making me feel bad when i didn’t really want to go volunteer tomorrow. i just wish i could stop feeling. i wish i was numb all the time, everything is so much more painful now. i don’t really know why. i feel so upset to be alive. i wish someone better was me, because i am not worthy of my life. i am not worthy of how i feel. there is no amount of things a person can have in this life that can erase the damage that comes from feeling depressed and upset to be breathing.